Cancer Widow/Widower Club

FormerMember over 14 years ago

314 replies
13 subscribers
612135 views

I've decided to create this as it seems that when you lose your life partner, people don't know what to say or family members think they know how you feel. People give me puppy dog eyes and family members feel they need to fill up my time by either visiting me or inviting me to there houses or ringing me to check on how I'm coping.

I feel like i've become part of a club of people that know how I think and feel and it brings me such great relife to talk to strangers that actually have a clue.

I lost my husband 2 half weeks ago and I've felt numb, I haven't cried much and people keep saying I'm strong, Why? I'm not strong I've had 6 months to come to the idea that my husband was so poorly that he was going to die, I cried for two days solid and made excuses to my daughter so not to upset her and each time the chemo didn't work I cried. So I'm not strong I just had a longer time to get my head around the idea that my husband wasn't going to be around for long, I've just got to get on with my life for my sake and my daughters and there is not a day go by that I don't think about my wonderful husband and at night times I cry when nobody is present. I have to go back to work and I can't face it the thought of people saying how sorry they are and giving me sad faces just make me want to be sick and makes me nervous. I'm not one for being the centre of attention and I know this is going to be the case. I find myself through out the day just stopping and staring out of the windows or staring in to space almost like day dreaming but not.

So the widow club is so that you can write down how you feel at that moment. Everything you write someone will probably have felt at some point.

Ash x

FormerMember over 13 years ago in reply to FormerMember

It's absoulutely dreadful isn't it Marianne. It was just 12 weeks yesterday for me so time wise we're not too far apart. You just long for a hug from the one person who can't give you one, and all those little things that keep reminding you of the awful truth. I don't know if you're old enough to remember those readybrek adverts from many years ago when kids were shown walking to school with a 'glow' around them ..... if you are, then just think of all the love Tom had for you and imagine it all wrapped around you in a protective warm glow ..... nice thought!

Stay strong Trev

FormerMember over 13 years ago in reply to FormerMember

Thank you Trev for that lovely image.

Nearly five months on now, I still miss Gary so much. I know I always will. Just lately I have stated to be able to remember him as he was before he was diagnosed. A very fit 66 yearold, looking forward to a retirement spent travelling and enjoying time with our grandchildren. But it was not to be....I try to be thankful for the short retirement we did have.

FormerMember over 13 years ago in reply to FormerMember

Hi Daffie, yes, it is a nice image isn't it, imagining it myself sometimes gives me a bit of a lift when I'm feeling low.

It's nice that you're beginning to recall the more pleasant memories of Gary, hopefully I'll be able to do that soon, for the present I'm still getting very unpleasant flashback images of the bad times during Pam's final months that just spring in to my mind when I'm least expected it .... maybe they'll start to fade in the near future. Your plans were very like our plans for retirement, do some travelling and of course enjoying the delights of grandparenthood. We were a few years away from that though, but the plans were there ..... like you though, it's not to be! It's very cruel .... we've all been cruelly cheated.

Take care Trev

FormerMember over 13 years ago in reply to FormerMember

Hello everyone. I can't believe that I started this page nearly a year ago when I wanted to let out my feelings about losing my wonderful husband. It's been a difficult time and coming up to the day that I lost him, it feels strange still as I don't feel lonely in my house and then someone times I feel so alone. But true to their words my husbands brothers and friends have kept in touch and worry about me which is lovely that they haven't forgotten me nor him. So I think back to when I lost my husband and I'm amazed on how far I've come from those early days. In the beginning I thought I'd never ever be able to live my life and be normal again but people said that it gets easier and to be honest at that time I didn't believe them, I couldn't understand how they could say that when I love him so much, but it does get easier life goes on. I tried to explain to my sister in law - it's like everything is the same, looks the same, smells the same taste the same, but it's all different because that person isn't their. Yesterday my friend came to visit and we had afternoon tea and we were talking about my husband and she was talking about him in a past tense, now this sounds silly but I got annoyed slightly as my husband is in his urn in the cabinet behind her - then I realised his gone. But I don't know whether you guys believe in this stuff but I swear sometimes I hear him for example, I was in the hospital the other night and I heard a whisper of "Ash" in his tone, whilst my daughter was sleeping. So this is me saying a year on that things do get easier - But I don't know whether it's because life just carries and you just go along with it and other things occupy your mind or whether it's because in my memory his fading slightly which is strange to say but that's what it's like. Ash xx

FormerMember over 13 years ago in reply to FormerMember

Hi. Not been on here in a while but now realising that there are a few of the dreaded 'first anniversaries' looming. Next week its would be our sixth wedding anniversary. I have been through Christmas and birthdays but somehow I think this one will be the toughest for me because it is the most personal. Christmas and birthdays were shared with family of course and therefore there was very much a sense of sharing the loss. But the wedding anniversary will be just me and memories. I'm not even sure if the date will register with most of my family, neither do I want to proclaim it. Despite our busy lives Patricia and I always made time to do something special for our anniversary, usually heading off for a couple of days back to the beautiful corner of Scotland where we were married. It was always a precious time for us. I simply don't know how it is going to hit me on the day or how to deal with it. I know I will visit the cemetery but what to do then?

In the following weeks, after the wedding anniversary, are a couple of the horrible ones, the day she fell ill and five weeks after that, the day she passed away (and of course all the bad memories of the days in between). Does it really get any better after the first year? Looks like its going to be a difficult summer... miss you so much Paddi xx

Hope you other folks on this page are still keeping your heads above the water.

Best Wishes , Joe

FormerMember over 13 years ago in reply to FormerMember

Hello Joe

Not much activity on this site is there? My husband died brain cancer 3 months ago. Someone told me this first year is the worst, and those important dates to get past, our youngest daughter was 18 yesterday and that was a very emotional day for me. She woke up in the morning and said she had dreamt vividly of her dad and he was laughing and joking as usual, I had wanted to ask him when he was still alive if he wanted to buy her a present just in case he wasnt here for her big day but could never pluck up the courage at the time.

My dear old died also died suddenly 2 weeks ago so live a bit grim. Got cruse coming to see me later, did you have help from them?

I would try to endulge yourself for your anniversary, it will always be a precious day for you.

best wishes

Helen

FormerMember over 13 years ago in reply to FormerMember

Dear All,

For those who are interested - the Bereaved Partners Support Group will be holding its next session this coming Monday 20th June. It will be held at the Vale Community Centre in northwest London from 6:30pm – 8:30pm.

Please see our website for details:

www.bereavedpartnerssupportgroup.com

We will continue to share our thoughts and experiences in our informal and warm environment. The space is yours to share, listen, or simply just to be.

We also have our ever-increasing BPSG library available – please feel free to loan out books which you may find helpful. Over the past month we have scheduled in speakers for future sessions, so their books will be available to attendees.

Refreshments are provided.

If you are bereaved please do feel free to come along. We are here to support you. And please do spread the word to anybody you think may benefit from the group.

Best wishes,

Erin Thompson

erin.thompson@bereavedpartnerssupportgroup.com

07732-070-972 / 07761-466-713

FormerMember over 13 years ago in reply to FormerMember

Hi Helen

Thank you for your thoughts. It will all be still very raw for you and to have your dad die so soon afterwards must have been awful.

I expect sometimes the anniversaries just seem like a set of hurdles to get over. I am resigned to the fact that there will always be sadness attached to events and anniversaries from now on. But maybe it just becomes less difficult to get through them.

I think it is good that your daughter seems to be able to talk about her dad to you. That shows a good bond between you. Cruse may be good for you also. I attend the bereavement group at the hospice where my wife spent some time and it does help even just hearing people voice thoughts or experiences which you may also have but keep to yourself for whatever reason. Finding out that your state of mind is shared by others is good for your sanity.

Take Care, Joe

FormerMember over 13 years ago in reply to FormerMember

Hi Joe, Helen,

Yes ..... special dates and anniveraries can be very difficult, I've had a few in the 4 months since Pam passed away. Our anniversary will I'm sure be very hard as it was on Valentine's Day .... the 35th anniversary of our wedding that she actually died. I managed quite well on her birhday at the beginning of May as I pre-planned to spend the whole day photographing bluebell woods to get a nice picture to hang as a tribute to her and now have a lovely picture on the wall as a result. It's actually my birthday today and I'm finding that really tough, no card from her ...etc ...etc.

Hopefully at some point the pain of this loss will ease but so far there have been no indications of that.

I too visit the hospice where Pam died every week and the group sessions on a monthly basis and find that being in the company of those in the same sorrowful situation as we are quite comforting, it's useful to share experiences and offer and receive suggestions on coping strategies and such like.

Take care Trev

FormerMember over 13 years ago in reply to FormerMember

All I can say Trev is that it is 8 months for me and not really any better, reconciled now to it staying like this . Stands to reason 52 years of wonderful married life, just the normal rough and lumpy bits to start , has to be balanced somewhere down the line. Coping and surviving , it's what we do. All the best anyway, Bill.