Cancer Widow/Widower Club

Hello Trev

Thanks for your kind words. Nearly over but HAPPY BIRTHDAY, or hope your day was ok.

This grief thing is such a rollercoaster of emotions. not felt able to return to work yet, things all to raw. My dad dying as well is just too much to cope with. He is going to be buried next to my husband on 24th June, there has been no other death in the village so that is next plot, will take some handling.

First Cruse appointment today and things came out that I had forgotten about, now feel pretty low,

Sorryto go on

Helen

Hi Helen,

You do have so much to cope with. Organising and even just doing day to day normal activities is so difficult when you have the extra burden of grief. I returned to work relatively quickly but only because it wasn't a big deal for me and I felt ok about it. Also my employers were very understanding if, on the odd day, I just didn't feel up to going in, that was ok with them. The main thing was that I was able to do things at my own pace and I think that is important. Don't feel you have to be rushing at anything. 

After a few of the bereavement group meetings I also hit a bit of a low. The meetings themselves were positive and helpful and I have out of them feeling a lot better and chatted to other members but then you get home and a certain reality kicks in again and down you go.

Hi Trev and Bill I know you are both regulars on here and other threads we all seem to be on this same awful journey. Hope you manage to have some not so bad days. (Thats as good as it gets for me at the moment)

Take care all,  Joe

Don't apologise Helen for 'going on' as you call it.  Absolutely no one who is likely to read your post will think you're 'going on'.  we write what we want to, what we need to, to me it's as simple as that.  We are all just trying as best we can to navigate our way through this awful period since we lost our dearly loved wives/husband .... and there can't be any rules, the route will be different for each of us probably, but the things we share are that it's the vile disease cancer that we lost them to and the fact that we, and only we can truly empathise with each other.  You now have the additional heartache of losing your dad and my heart really goes out to you, life can be so cruel. I lost my Dad, my Mother-in-Law and Grandchild all within a few days of each other just as Pam was first becoming ill and you wonder what on earth else could be thrown at you.  I hope you're able to cope OK next Friday, I'm sure it will be tough, especially given the location of the burial .... but you'll get through it somehow.

Knowing how I'm feeling just now it doesn't surprise me (Helen, Bill, Joe) that you all seem to be in a similar place to me.  For all the support mechanisms and coping strategies we use, the one basic fact always remains when we get back home and reality grips us again and takes us to our low points ...... our soul mates are no longer here.

Take care  Trev

Hi Ash, I am now at 9 months and your words ring so true.  I am not lonely at home but I do feel so alone at times.  Like being cut in half I suppose and one half is missing.  Yes life does get easier somewhat, although as you say, does it get easier, or do you just learn to live with it better. Yes everything is still the same and life still goes on, but with the main thing missing.  But this is the life we are left with and live it we must no matter how hard it is at times.
Don’t really know the answer to it all, if there really is one.  Just take each day as it comes and hope one day we will wake up and feel whole again.  Will that day ever come, I don’t really know, but we can live in hope can’t we.

Oh Joe, these first anniversaries are a really bummer aren’t they.  I have done the this time last year he was diagnosed, this time last year he was told that they could only give him palliative care.  I have still got the first birthdays, wedding anniversary and the big one to come and do not know how I will deal with these.  But we do, because we must.  Probably with the help of a glass or two of the old vino. 

Helen and Trev, I have no wise words for either of you.  Just to say take as much care of yourself as you can.  It is early days for you both yet and you need to treat yourself kindly.


Take care
Pammie x

Hi to all on this thread.

 Pammie thanks for your thoughts. I am in the middle of it now/. Tomorrow would be our 6th wedding anniversary.  Memories are so vivid! Our wedding actually started on the Friday night and went on for two days so I am feeling it now.

Yes Pammie we will get through it (a fine Islay malt was actually the favourite tipple for both of us).

Peace and best wishes to you all.

Joe

Just a short note .... I hope yesterday wasn't too much of an ordeal for you Helen, and that for you Joe, you get through today as best you're able.  All of us in this club know how tough these 'special' dates can be.  As Pammie says .... they can be a real bummer!

Take care all ...... Trev

Hi everyone

I am just siiting here trying to compose myself before going to my dad's 80th birthday get together it is the first family do since Tom died and I am dreading seeing everyone in their couples enjoying themselves. I just hope I can get through it for my dad's sake.It will be 4 months on the 10th since I lost Tom and I don't feel any better my bereavement counsellor says I am doing well but I think I am getting very good at hiding my true feelings from her nobody knows how empty and lost I feel inside I have lost my soul mate and I know I have now got to make a new differant life for myself but I am just not ready to do it yet.

Well love to everyone and bye for now.

Marianne.xx 

Unfortunately Ash things seem to have a habit of turning up when you least expect them ....  just like your piece of paper, and our responses to them can be any one or a combination of the range of emotions that we have .... anger being just one.  As you say, maybe it's better that you hadn't seen it, I don't know!  all I do know is that these things happen and if we aren't careful we can tie ourselves up in knots trying to understand or make some kind of sense of them.  Speaking for myself, I think we've enough to contend with in any case without anything else jumping out and biting us.  What ever these things are, they're in the past, we have no control over it, we can't change it, we can't ignore it either but it is what it is and we have to just deal with it  .... very easy to say  .... less easy to do.

Good luck with your Dad's birthday get together Marianne, it will be tough but I'm sure you'll get trough it reasonably well.  I can empathise completely on the couples thing .... just seeing a couple together walking in the street or doing their shopping can very easily set me off .... what would I give to be able to just do those simple things that we took so much for granted again.  I too have been told by 'professionals' that I'm doing very well .... and in a 'mechanical' sort of way I suppose I am, my house is clean, my shirts are ironed, the grass is cut, the car is washed etc .. etc ... but what's going on between my ears is a different matter.  When I'm told that I'm doing very well I always respond with " well if I'm doing well then I'd hate to think how I'd be feeling if I was doing badly'

I'm finding I'm living 3 lives now (well, existences really if I'm honest)

No 1 is when I'm at work and during that time in order to get through it I wear what I call my 'work mask' which basically means me putting on an act just so I can get through the day.  Being busy helps the mask to work, and it does work reasonably well.  I've had a few months practice now and the he 'imaginary' mask does fit quite well and rarely slips to let the real me through .... so much so that many work colleagues (those who've never experienced a loss such as we have) think I'm over it ..... absolute rubbish! ...  but it gets me through the day.

No 2 is when I'm with family and/or friends.  This mask doesn't fit quite so well and can often slip a bit and I may show my emotions at times.  I suppose I wear this mask so they can see that I'm 'not too bad and because I don't want them to worry too much about how I'm coping.

No 3 is when I wear no mask at all .... my real life ... it is when I'm alone (generally at home) and I'm sure I don't need to explain how this one plays out because this is the reality of the life we all now have.

Take care everyone ..... Trev

Hi Ash , Marianne and Trev. Just reading your posts. Sadly we all seem to go through the same experiences and thoughts on this awful journey.

Ash I know so well that feeling almost of a time-slip. Sometimes memories of conversations come into my head and as you say I have the weirdest feeling that it just happened yesterday. I am now about 6 weeks from Patricia's anniversary but more immediately is the anniversary of when she first got ill and all the horrible memories which accompany that period. The memories of that time are what I find most difficult to cope with. Although I do have my own coping mechanism it sometimes fails on me and the I get hit by the 'train'

Marianne, almost 1 year on functions and events are still difficult for me. I am sure if it is a family event there will be many people looking out for you and supporting you. As for bereavement counselling I guess it one of those areas where you can't really gauge how much it is helping you. I am sure you are not the only person to hide your feelings but equally your counsellor will be aware of that and probably knows how to deal with that. It is still very early days for you yet (I'm sure everyone tells you that). Just do what you need to to get through the day.

Trev, I too have those 'masks' as you say. I do get through the working day too and you are vaguely aware that people probably do make the judgement that you are doing well and lets face it, under the circumstances we probably are. Its just that 'doing well' in the grieving process is a world away from normal life 'doing well'. Unless  you have been hit by the storm which we all have suffered then you simply have no idea.

Love and best wishes to you all