Cancer Widow/Widower Club

I always have mixed feelings at this time of year. It was a time of year that Sue loved - "lambs and daffodils" she called it. The daffodils she planted round the orchard look better eery year, and they are complemented by the forget-me-nots which have seeded everywhere. It was also her birthday at the end of April and mine shortly afterwards.

However it was also the time when she went into hospital for the last time, and then to the hospice, a period that spanned both our birthdays. However I can celebrate the time we had together, and I know she would be proud of what my son is doing.

John

Hi everyone

Is it just me or are weekends worse? Everywhere I look there are couples out and about enjoying their lives together and making plans and I now long for Mondays! Never felt that before.

Marianne - welcome and I hope you find lots of love and support here. Everyone is wonderful and we all know your pain and understand your feelings. I too looked after Toni for the last 5 months of his life and it was a privilege to care for him. No-one can ever take that time away and although it was hard and sometimes we rowed and I was so tired I was able to ensure he kept his dignity and maintained his privacy and he died at home where he so wanted to be. I understand the loneliness. It's a horror and unless you've experienced it people simply don't understand. It's not the living alone it's the sharing the moments of your day, laughing at a joke or sharing some news together. Time is a great healer in that it helps you come to an acceptance of the situation but I don't believe the sadness will ever go away.

Bill - sorry to hear you've had a bad day. The dates and anniversaries creep up and hit you hard. You sound a brave man and it's true what you say about being here. None of us wanted it and it's a club that you don't want to be a member of. I'm glad you get comfort here. I certainly do.

Carol - you too commented on this forum and it really is helpful to know that people understand and most of all that they care. Total strangers coming together and sharing sometimes their most intimate thoughs and nobody judges or thinks you should 'get on with your life' as people who don't know can be quick to say. I don't want to be here yet I do! Everyone understands.

Pammie -thanks for the dragonfly story. Hugely comforting. Toni loved his garden and last year I planted a few forget-me-nots in his memory. This year they are rioting and it makes me smile as I'm sure it's him with his green fingers who's spread them all over the border.

Daffie - I used to dwell on his last months and couldn't get past the image of him wasting away and suffering. Now I'm able to step back from that and remember him when he was well. But I grieve for the life we had and the future we've lost and it is indeed a different kind of grieving. I am not able to look back fondly at our life but I do find sometimes I can smile at a memory and I feel I've come a long way in the past year.

Trev -  hope you are okay and that you are coping. It's still early days for you and I can only say that we are all here to support you and we care.

We're all at different stages but we're all coping and getting on in our own ways. Sadly life does go on and it's very hard to make it the best you can. It's lonely and it's tough and thankfully we can come here and share with each other.

Love to you all

Claire xx

Claire, clearly another skilled typist, yes yesterday the  worst but today much better and hope for now the storm and waves have subsided.   The worst time for me is believe it or not washing up, well I only do it about  every other day now but after the evening meal we did it together , I washed (don't believe in wiping)  and Jean wiped (hated washing), we were a real Jack Sprat couple and to me of such things are marriages made in heaven .  We must all have these little things , insignificant to anyone else but they are the essence of what we have lost.    Watch the forget-me-nots, they will be everywhere when they seed . I rather prefer Rosemary for remembrance but the bushes have taken a pasting this winter, very easy to propagate though , and with roast lamb !!!!.

Having a really bad day, cannot stop crying don't know if it is because I am having Tom's ashes buried in the local church tomorrow and I don't know how I am going to react when I see the casket with the ashes in.

Tom was never interested to know what I was going to do with his ashes as he believed that when you died that was the end and it didn't matter what happened to you,but I need somewhere to go to visit him and talk to him.

Hope I can keep it together tomorrow.

Hello all,

It has been sad and touching to read your posts. It is so important that people have a chance to share what they are feeling.I wanted to let you all know again about a new support group that has been set up to support people who have lost their partners to cancer.

The Bereaved Partners Support Group will be holding its first session on Monday 18th April. The Bereaved Partners Support Group (BPSG) is a new support group for people who have lost their partners to cancer, and is the first of its kind in the UK. The aim of the group is to create a regular space for people to share stories and experiences with others who have experienced a similar kind of loss. It will be held at the Vale Community Centre in northwest London from 6:30pm – 8:30pm.

We aim to show people they are not alone in their grief and to support them through their loss. The group is defined by its users and we want to make sure we continuously provide reliable and beneficial support, therefore, the group will evolve according to members’ needs. We will have the chance to share experiences over refreshments, and we will occasionally have speakers, which will be announced on our website. However, a constant element of the group is space – the space is there for you to talk, listen, or simply to be. If you are bereaved please do feel free to come along. We are here to support you. And please do spread the word to anybody you think may benefit from the group.

We are lucky to have a very special speaker for the first half of our session this coming Monday (18^th April) – Dr Jennifer Wild. She is a clinical psychologist specialising in trauma and bereavement, and she will talk to us about the experience of bereavement. The second half of our session will give attendees a chance to share experiences in an informal and warm environment. Refreshments are provided.

Please see our website for details:

www.bereavedpartnerssupportgroup.com

Best wishes,

Erin Thompson

erin.thompson@bereavedpartnerssupportgroup.com

07761-466-713

Hope you managed to bear up Marianne,  think everyone knows now what I did with Jean's but you must take comfort in that he would have wanted you just to do what you thought right . My sister's family did that, it was right for them and her.   We are all with you,  Bill.

Just came on to say hi. Sorry to hear some of you have had a not so good few days. For me it is just seems totally random where I am going to be from one day to the next. Weekend was not too bad and probably helped by the fact that I got involved in a fund raising event for Marie Curie Cancer Care on Saturday organised by my stepdaughter and a few friends. It was good to be involved in doing something positive and really moving to witness the kindness and generosity of spirit of so many people.  

Had a dream about my wife last night.  Woke this morning and lay for a few minutes as I sometimes do to work out which way my head was going to take me. Shed a few tears, but am now feeling ok. She was laughing in the dream so that is a nice memory for today.

Marianne, so sorry you find yourself on here and I hope you can find some strength and peace from many of the good people on here.

Kind thoughts to everyone,

Joe

Hello Linda

Thanks for your reply. Like you I have seemed to cope quite well, so many practical things to do and all the cards, visitors, flowers, funeral etc to deal with. Now feel very flat, had to go and have knee surgery yesterday, was an emotional wreck in recovery ward..they said probably was anaesthetic but I just felt so alone. I got a taxi into hospital and my sister collected me in evening but just makes me realise how different life is now without my big strong reliable husband. Sorry to be so down...blame the op. I broke my other ankle in Nov. 10 and messed my knee up trying to assist my poorly husband on one leg. Have said I will go back to work mid May but not sure now, everyone thinks you should be 'getting over it' now, but dont think you ever get over it, just learn to live with it.

Good to talk to you

love Helen x

First time on line for a little while and everyone's posted so much.

So sorry you've had to join this group Marianne ..... I'm fairly new myself and I echo what many others have replied to you, it's not a group that any of us wanted to join, but the fact that we've all lost the one person who meant the whole world to us to this vile disease means that we all have the same sickening sense of loss and injustice in our lives.  We can all understand exactly what each of us are going through ... and try as they might, no one else can come close to doing so ..... indeed, many seem to think that after a few short months we should be almost back to normal .. they just don't understand, and how can they ... we can't realistically expect them to.

Much has been said recently about returning to work.  My situation has been a little different to most of you in that apart from taking a couple of weeks when Pam passed away I never actually stopped working.  When I look back I feel I was lucky to be employed by such a very understanding company.  Much of my work could be done remotely from the office and the amount of travel around the UK I did could be scaled back somewhat and overnights avoided.  So I combined working mainly from home with caring for Pam.  I wasn't sure how it would work out but I gave it a go.  I reduced my workload to suit and did just a few hours when ever I could during the day or evenings 7 days per week when ever Pam was settled, reasonably well or sleeping.  Don't get me wrong, it was very hard to switch from carer into work mode and then back again several times a day, and looking back I'm not sure how I did it but I think it helped to keep me sane .... I forced myself to try to concentrate on work for short periods.  It was at least something from my 'normal life' .... everything else was not my normal life.  Running the house was Pam's domain and that's how she liked it ... so all the shopping, washing, ironing, cooking etc ... etc.. was new to me, I didn't find it a problem, it's all relatively simple and straightforward to do .... but it was new, not part of my 'normal life'

Since her passing I find doing all of these things very difficult to do, not because they are physically difficult, but because I feel I'm trespassing into her territory .... I suppose that sounds a little crazy .. as I know I have to do these things myself from here on ....... the worst one is the shopping, I get very stressed on my way to the supermarket and end up rushing around in record speed.  As I said earlier, I only took a couple of weeks of work and started back 4 days after the funeral.  I didn't really know whether it was the right thing to do or not but I forced myself to try it sooner rather than later.  I found it very difficult to be in the office that first day. I just didn't fit in at all ... the world of work just continued as it always had, all the banter going on in the background about normal life and how great their weekends had been etc..etc..  It was like I wasn't there, like I was looking in on it all from 100 feet in the air as a spectator.  I only lasted a few hours and had to go home in a bit of a state.   I've persevered though and do go into the office for short periods of time and alternate it with working from home.  I'm also doing a little more travel around the UK.   I can fully understand those of you who've not been able to go back to work.  I'm sure that if I had to work for full days at the office in my job it would be just too much.  I still feel dreadful for most of the time so don't get me wrong ..... motivating myself for work is not easy ... it all seems so unimportant now .... but it is giving me some structure, something to try to focus on.

Take care .... Trev

Well we buried the ashes today I didn't cope too well,but my 3 year old grandaughter made us all smile she said the casket was a treasure chest  and that Grandads treasure was in there and to all of us his family he was a treasure. This is another step I have taken today but it does not get any easier.

Love and thoughts to everyone.

Marianne,x