Cancer Widow/Widower Club

Hi Everyone 

 This is my first post  on this thread,I lost my darling husband Tom to oesophagus cancer on the 10th march and I miss him so much.I have been off work since the middle of Oct and I am so glad I was able to spend the last 5 months of his life with him 24/7 as they were times I woild never have been able to get back.It has only been 5 weeks but it seems a lifetime since I last saw him and it hurts like hell the thought of life without him fills me with dread and I don't know how I will cope without him I am so lonely even though I have family and friends who want to help me they are not the same as having Tom there to hold me and for me to talk to and spend the rest of my life with.I hate it when people say they know how I am feeling as no they don't know how I am feeling or when they say time is a great healer as I don't think time will heal it will probably help me to cope better but it will never heal the sadness I feel. My love and thoughts go out to everyone in the same situation as me.

Marianne.x

Marianne    

Marianne,

I am so sorry that you need to join this site, but you will find others in the same awful situation.  I hope when you the read posts, you can take some comfort from others going through the same nightmare.

I lost my husband of 43 years to mesothelioma 4 months tomorrow.  I don't really remember much of the first five weeks after Gary died.  Everthing seemed one big blur.  As time has gone on, the pain hasn't got any less, but I am gtadually learning to live one day at a time.  I have even had a few, very few slightly better days.

Don't be afraid to share thoughts you want to keep from family and friends. Saddly everyone here understands how it feels to be alone.

Wishing you every strength for the days ahead

Daffie  xxx

Hi Marianne, sorry you have had to join us, but want you to know we all support each other, we understand what you are going through. This site has been a life line for me, without all the special people on here I think I would go mad. You can say anything, no-0ne will judge you. I have said things on here that I am unable to say to family. Sometimes you feel people will get fed up with listening to you, people who have not gone through what we have, but on here no-one gets fed up. You cand talk, cry, rant whatever. You will never be alone, i promise.

Please stay here with us, it now feels like I have a special family who I can talk to.

Sending hugs carol xx

Hi Marianne, none of us want to be on here and none of us want anyone else to be on here. Sounds rude and selfish  doesn't it till you think about it, so sorry you had to join us, we didn't have any choice either.  Take comfort from the support we give each other , We can pour it all out as we are all well known and yet anonymous, essential for a bloke like me.  Today has been a very bad day after a bad couple of weeks, it can only get better  . Approaching the 6 month mark now .  You will cope, he would want you to and I am sure expect you to.  Don't be afraid to make friends if you want to talk privately with someone, they will only what you want them to  but it does help  , I am a lonely old man but less lonely on here . I look forward to the day when  I can say to myself, 'no I don't need to be there any more',  hoping anyway .  All the best, it is hard , so very hard.   Bill.

Hi Bill,

Sorry to hear your having a bad day today its hard when we think we are making some sort of progress then find ourselves almost back at square one.  I often wonder when I will ever feel "better" and happy again then it makes me feel more depressed so I'm just focussing on one day at a time still. Cant believe its nearly 11 months since my Bill died - time is doing strange things to me at the moment.

Marianne sorry you had to join us I used to read your blog about Tom's battle with oesophageal cancer what a great fight he put up.  My husband also died of this cancer, why does cancer take the best? will never understand it. Love to all who post here.

I don't know if you have heard the story of the Dragonfly.  But if not, I thought I would post on here for you to read.  I have found this story a great comfort when I have been in that dark place.  Hope it gives you the peace it gives me.  My Martin is the dragonfly and I know he is looking out for me ...somewhere....

Once, in a little pond, in the muddy water under the lily pads,
there lived a little water beetle in a community of water
beetles. They lived a simple and comfortable life in the pond
with few disturbances and interruptions.

Once in a while, sadness would come to the community when one of
their fellow beetles would climb the stem of a lily pad and
would never be seen again. They knew when this happened; their
friend was dead, gone forever.

Then, one day, one little water beetle felt an irresistible urge
to climb up that stem. However, he was determined that he would
not leave forever. He would come back and tell his friends what
he had found at the top.

When he reached the top and climbed out of the water onto the
surface of the lily pad, he was so tired, and the sun felt so
warm, that he decided he must take a nap. As he slept, his body
changed and when he woke up, he had turned into a beautiful
blue-tailed dragonfly with broad wings and a slender body
designed for flying.

So, fly he did! And, as he soared he saw the beauty of a whole
new world and a far superior way of life to what he had never
known existed.

Then he remembered his beetle friends and how they were thinking
by now he was dead. He wanted to go back to tell them, and
explain to them that he was now more alive than he had ever been
before. His life had been fulfilled rather than ended.

But, his new body would not go down into the water. He could
not get back to tell his friends the good news. Then he
understood that their time would come, when they, too, would
know what he now knew. So, he raised his wings and flew off
into his joyous new life!

Take care

Pammie xx

thanks so much for the story of the  dragon fly it made my evening after a fairly bad week.  Went into meltdown a few times in the last week so wasnt a good place to be.  So back to square one a take a day at a time.  Hope things are gettng better for you.
Look after yourself
Theresa xx

Back to square one indeed.

I feel overwhelmingly sad; almost as bad as 6 months ago, just want to retreat into my shell never to surface again. I miss him so much.

Does this ever go away???

K

Hi Helen

I'm so sorry your husband lost his battle against this dreadful disease.  My husband died on 29th December 2010, which was exactly a year since he first started getting symptoms, although he wasnt diagnosed until the February.  I've been off work since 1st November, when Bill wasnt really able to be left on his own, he then went into hospital on 24th November and never came out,  He deteriorated very quickly.     I'm still off work, was thinking of going back end April, beginnng of May, but now thats coming round, I dont know if I'm ready yet.  I've had a few bad days in the last week,        I go to one to one counselling at our local Maggies, which is a cancer support centre within the hospital,  Bill and  I went there during his illness and the emotional and practical help there is fantastic,  I dont think we would have coped without it.

I went to see the counsellor on Friday and it totaly drained me, I think just facing up to how I feel and thought I had been on a fairly even keel over the last few weeks.  The counsellor said to expect some really bad days coming up and reading others posts this seems to hit you 4-6 months into this journey.  Anyway i cried all the way home, then opened a bottle of wine and finished it off.  ( I dont really drink) and sat and cried and cried all night.   I had a really bad day yesterday and felt totally drained  (the headache from the wine didnt help).   It doesnt seem to get any easier, still feel very emotional today.    There is no normal and I've been advised to go with however you feel on the day, dont try to fight it.

Its very early days for you, I felt ok up until 4 weeks after Bill died, then I just went to pieces and could barely talk to anyone, then I forced myself to keep busy, meeting friends and some retail therapy.  Now I like to have some days on my own, theres no right or wrong way to deal with this and unless you have experienced this journey of losing your life's partner, no one can know how hard this is.   You should try cruse, I've found talking to someone who understands really helps and although its hard, dont expect to get through this on your own.    There is no normal, GBM is a cruel, cruel cancer and watching it destroy someone you love takes time to get over.

I'm thinking of you and know what you have been through and how you feel.

Linda

Thank you for the dragonfly story. 

It's exactly four monthsago today since Gary left me, and I am feeling very down.  This time last year, he in remission, and we had so many plans for the coming summer.  We did manage to fulfill most of them, and for that I will always be grateful.

The memories of those last awful months as I watched helpless while  Gary wasted away, have begun to fade a little.  But, in their place,  memories of much happier times are starting suface, so now I grieve for the happy life, being part of  a couple, that I lost the moment Gary was diagnosed with mesothelioma. 

It seem s the grieving process is starting again, on a different level.  I only hope that one day I will be able look back fondly on all that we shared together.