Cancer Widow/Widower Club

Hi Daffie, Joe, Bill.

Hope everyone has had a better day today, apart from the weather, Bil my son and family went to my caravan yesterday, they live in Plymouth, the caravan is at Selsey, so its a good chance for me to see them. The weather has really changed so its not the best time for them to be in a caravan. Im going tomorrow, as you know I wasnt looking forward to playing happy nanny but as my son said the reason you are so down is because you are spending to much time on your own. So I will go and try and have a happy time, I know Del wouldnt want me to always be on my own. And I have to think of my son aswell, he has lost his dad and probably wants to talk, as I havnt seen him since Dels funeral.

Daffie sorry you thought i cleaned the car, no I take it to Asda they have the pollish there, have never cleaned it myself, that was Dels job. Tomorrow Im driving 98 miles to Selsey, I have never done it on my own as I always went to the caravan with Del and he did most of the driving. Another 1st, also my son is taking me out to lunch, another 1st, Del would always be with me. These 1sts are so hard arnt they.

Today hasnt been so bad as the last 2 days although I did have to get flowers to do a funeral spray for my neighbour to take to a funeral tomorrow, that was abit hard as the last funeral flowers I did were for Del. (I used to be a florist so did alot of Dels myself with my ex boss).

I am so glad we have each other on here as its only people that has lost loved ones that know how we feel, I get fed up of people saying you are coping well or you look much better now, you must be getting over it. I want to scream, Im not coping, i dont look much better and Im not getting over it. Im a wreck I look it and feel it and I will never get over loosing Del, he was my life and now my life is empty, I have lost my husband, my friend, my soulmate. Does everyone else get those sort of remarks.

Take care everyone and thanks for everyones support. Hugs Carolxxxx

Hi Carol

I know what you mean when you say you get fed up with people saying you must be getting over it as you look better.  I feel like screaming as well, because inside the emptiness and despair doesnt go away, but you try to put a brave face on.  I think it makes other people feel better to think you are getting over it, but I agree I dont think I will ever get over losing Bill, he was such a big part of the whole of my adult life.

I thinking of going back to work and part of me doesnt want to as I'm scared that I'm leaving Bill behind and I cant do that.  Does anyone else feel guilty if they have a better day and feel a little bit happy.  The emotions are all over the place and I sometimes feel I dont want to move on and want to be grieving for ever as dont want to face up to living without him.

Dont know if that makes sense and maybe I'm so confused I cant think straight, but does anyone else feel this.

I'm lucky my son and daughter live nearby and I see them several times a week which is a great help.  Carol, enjoy your break with your son and his family, he'll be missing his dad too and its good to support each other.

Have a good day everyone, I'm going to meet a friend that Bill and I met through the Brain Tumour Action group.  I've not seen her since Bills funeral, so expect to be emotional.

  Love and support to everyone. thank you for being here. X

Linda

Thank you for the post Ash - it is very touching, and very important that people have a chance to share what they are feeling.

I thought it would be worth letting you and others who read your post know about a new support group that has been set up to support people who have lost their partners to cancer.

The Bereaved Partners Support Group will be holding its first session on Monday 18th April. The Bereaved Partners Support Group (BPSG) is a new support group for people who have lost their partners to cancer, and is the first of its kind in the UK. The aim of the group is to create a regular space for people to share stories and experiences with others who have experienced a similar kind of loss. It will be held at the Vale Community Centre in northwest London from 6:30pm – 8:30pm.

We aim to show people they are not alone in their grief and to support them through their loss. The group is defined by its users and we want to make sure we continuously provide reliable and beneficial support, therefore, the group will evolve according to members’ needs. We will have the chance to share experiences over refreshments, and we will occasionally have speakers, which will be announced on our website. However, a constant element of the group is space – the space is there for you to talk, listen, or simply to be. If you are bereaved please do feel free to come along. We are here to support you. And please do spread the word to anybody you think may benefit from the group.

We are lucky to have a very special speaker for the first half of our session this coming Monday (18^th April) – Dr Jennifer Wild. She is a clinical psychologist specialising in trauma and bereavement, and she will talk to us about the experience of bereavement. The second half of our session will give attendees a chance to share experiences in an informal and warm environment. Refreshments are provided.

Please see our website for details:

www.bereavedpartnerssupportgroup.com

Best wishes,

Erin Thompson

erin.thompson@bereavedpartnerssupportgroup.com

07761-466-713

Hope you had a good safe  trip , and home again, to Selsey, I can imagine what it is like with the change in the weather . I,m getting confused with all these Bills mentioned on here , as bad as when I had as sister Jean and then found a girlfriend later my lovely wife Jean.  Bill W.

Have been reading all your posts, so many.  Have not been on for last couple of days. Do you find that sometimes you are always on here and yet others you do not seem to want to, don’t know why.  I suppose it is how the mood takes us. 

Trev,  sorry you have been having a few bad days, but then, that is the nature of the beast.  We think we are getting a handle on it and then BAM that wave hits us again.  I am told, that in time, the waves get smaller and further apart.
I too find the best place for Martin’s ashes is in the bedroom.  Then they are there for me alone. 
I hope that the more you go to the group meetings at the hospice they will be better for you.  I think all the new things we have to do on our own are a bit surreal.  I started at the gym, and for the first few times I hated it.  Another thing I was doing alone in my new life.  But I now do not find it so bad.  So keep persevering, they may be a help to you.  I think that is a good idea to have your ashes scattered together, especially in a place that you both held dear.  Try not to let the thoughtless people upset you.  They have no idea how it feels to be bereaved and to be honest Trevz, I don’t think we did before we were right in the middle of it.  Just remember, those who have walked in your shoes really know and that’s all that matters.  You are never really alone. 

Those dratted couples, they do it for me every time too. 

Bill W, it is good that you have Jean’s ashes under your Magnolia tree.  Martin was given a Christmas tree that he planted in the garden.  He always wanted a tree to put lights on outside at Christmas.  So I think, in time, I will scatter Martin’s ashes under the tree.  The time is not right for me yet, but one day….
Sorry you are also having a tough time, as I mentioned before, this comes over us in waves and I do find that if you ride those waves you do get through.  After all, you were with Jean for such a long time, how could you fit into your new life without the waves. Loved the picture of your Magnolia.  Take care xx

Christine and K, I am at just over 6 months, so a bit behind you, but I too found the first time I sat in the garden or did any gardening it was so sad.  I do myself not mind the longer days now, it is much better than having to close the world out early and have all those long lonely evenings that winter brings.  But I keep looking at the barbecue and wonder if that will ever get used again.  Martin loved his barbecues and that makes me happy and sad at the same time.

Piglet1, I too find all the families hard to take, I went for a week in the Canaries with some friends recently and found it so hard to see all the couples laughing and enjoying themselves.  I had some very unchristian thoughts.  But I think this is all normal, all part of the grieving process.  I hope you enjoy your few days in London, a change of scenery might be good for you and as you say, you have to do these things.  We cannot just sit back and grieve, that would not be fair on our partners who had no choice.

Carol, I do not find the need to take Martin’s ashes with me as I think that his presence is all around me.  His spirit, his soul, whatever he was is still there and follows me wherever I go.  I keep his ashes in the bedroom so that they are there for me if I need the odd cuddle.  But it is my private time.  But if it makes you feel better to keep them with you then there is no harm in that.  I think your son is right, it seems as if you are spending too much time on your own.  I am sure you will enjoy being with your family.  Your son has lost a dad and you should be comforting each other.  It is so easy to just sit back and grieve alone, but you have to force yourself to fit into this new life.  It is not easy but has to be done my friend.  If anyone asks me to go anywhere I always say yes.  It was so hard in the beginning, but it is something you have to do to get through.  And as time goes by it does get easier to go out into the world again.
Del would have wanted you to get on with your life, and that is something you must do.  I get so many bad days, but also now get some good days, but I know I must keep going for Martin, he could not live his life, but he would be sad if he thought I was not living mine. I hope your drive to Selsey, it is great that you are attempting it.   I find audio books help on long journey to pass the time, they may help you. 

I too take my car to the Polish car wash, they make a great job of it and I do not feel the need to clean it myself.  Martin used to take it to them in the last few weeks, as he did not have the strength to do it himself so I see no reason for me not to carry on doing so.

Claire, I hope the 12th went as well as it could.  I do think the thought of these dates are worse than the actual day and hope that was the same for you xx

Linda, it is that dratted roller coaster ride.  You think you are OK one minute and then the next that great wave rolls over you and you are back to being a wreck.  I am now just over 6 months on and can honestly say that I am getting stronger as the months go on.  Don’t get me wrong, I still have many bad days, but I also now have some good days.  I know I will always miss Martin, but I think I am learning to live with the loss and as time goes by will get stronger and more able to cope.  I can look a little further into the future now.  Not too far, as that is still too scary, but I can plan a couple of months in advance which would never have happened before.  I am glad your counselling works for you and gives you some comfort.  We all need some comfort don’t we.

Daffie, all these dammed firsts are a real pain aren’t they.  I am glad that you have your new car, even though there were some tears.  You do need a reliable car now.  I will not be watching the Royal wedding.  I cannot see the point of watching two people looking so happy.  I have come a long way, but not quite as long as that.  I know I sound a bit grumpy, but that is just how I feel.   I am sure your journey will be OK.  It is a long way, but if you stop and have a rest if you are feeling a bit tired you will be OK.  I have invested in Audio books, I have problems listening to music, so on long journeys I put on one of my audio books and it helps pass the time.  Coming home to an empty house is not good and I hear from people further on than me that this is still the case for them.  You just have to get home, either sign on here or phone someone up and have a chat.  Glad you enjoyed your retail therapy, I do find it helps somewhat and that you enjoyed your new car.  It is a good thought that the new plants springing into life might be a sign that we are emerging, if just a bit slower than them x.

Oh wal_fcj. You are doing all you can for your mum.  She has to deal with her grieve the best way she can, but it must be so good for her to know that you and your sisters are there for her.  That is all you can do, just be there xx.

Joe, I had the same problem as you at Christmas, when the family came to dinner.  It was my first one and I just did not know what to do with the space where Martin sat.  And then my youngest granddaughter, who is 6, just went and sat there.  Well I smiled to myself.  Martin used to look after her sometimes when my daughter and I were at work and there was a special bond between them, so it was just so natural for her to want to sit there. There are so many things that jump up and floor us aren’t there.  But as time goes on, I am sure these will get a bit less.   
 
Linda, you can’t win can you.  If you go round moping all the time people think you should be getting over it and if you put on a brave face they think that you have.  You want to say to them,  NO I have NOT got over it.  I am still grieving, you cannot get over it just like that.  But then, if they have not walked in our shoes they have no comprehension of how we are feeling.  After all, did we before we were bereaved, we probably did not have a clue either.  That is one thing about this site, you know that we all KNOW how you are feeling x. Yes, the guilt trip is always there.  If we are feeling a bit better or laughing over something then the guilt feelings well up as if to say, you should not being doing this it is being disloyal.  But these are feelings that we all feel and I am not sure how we overcome that one.  I just hope that time will sort that one out.  But just think, they would have wanted us to get on with our life and would have been so sad to think that we did not.  Don’t forget Linda, whatever you say on this site will always make sense to us. I hope you enjoy the meet with your friend x.

Well, as you can see from this very long post, I have had a couple of hours to waste.  I was out in the garden earlier doing some digging, but can only cope with half an hour at a time.  But it is a job that has to be done.  It was Martin’s job, but now mine.  I am going round to see a dear friend this afternoon who has walked in my shoes so that will be good.

So I will just finish by wishing you all as good a day as you can have and don’t forget, you have to keep swimming
((((((((((((((((((((hugs)))))))))))))))))))))))

Take care
Pammie xx

Thanks Pammie, that was some post there, you must be better at the keyboard than I am , I spend as long correcting typos as the typing .  You see I liken it to a tsunami rather than waves, spent my college years at Aberystwyth and loved the sea in all its moods but these feeling just are so much more still.  All the best of whatever there is.  Bill.

Thank you indeed Pammie.

You are very wise I think, a lot of what you have written makes so much sence.

Take Care,

Kay

Hello Linda

We have spoken before on wtbt site but I have now joined 'the other side' and this is my first time on this site . My darling husband died of GBM brain tumour on 13th March. Just feel I need to talk to someone now, did you try cruse? Have you gone back to work yet? I have been off work since Sept. 2010, 4 months full pay. then 4 months half pay but this has now ended. Dont know what to do, how long is 'normal' to be off work? My husband was exactly a year from diagnosis to death.

love opal (Helen)

Hi all have been away for a few days - wasnt as bad as I thought it would be actually enjoyed myself some of the time then felt tearful and guilty about it, guess it goes with the territory.  Thank you for the post Pammie, reading them cheers me up. 

Hi Opal I went back to work about 3 months after my husband died, had been off for 6 months with him before he died.  Dont really know when the right time is I dreaded it but it had to be done as I needed the money.  Everyone was really kind and it wasnt as bad as I thought it would be.  I can usually manage to keep up my outside face when at work and if I crumple when I come home so what its part of grieving. 

Hugs to all who post on here.

Hi everyone

Well I got through the 12th and as so many people have said the day itself was not as bad as the build up. The worst time was at 1am the time of his death when I just broke down and sobbed and sobbed. Ended up cuddling the urn, something I've never done before, then finally calmed down and eventually managed to sleep.

On the day I went to work and found that to be the best thing for me. It was a normal day in the office but those who knew were very kind and thoughtful. I had some cards sent and also got some flowers and on the evening me and 20 people, close friends and family, went to Toni's favourite restaurant and had a meal together in his memory. We also set off a chinese lantern in Sainsbury's car park as it was far too windy to go on the prom! That was funny and brought the evening to a nice close.

Since the 12th I find I am moving towards an acceptance of his death and all the events suroounding it, with the cancer and how he suffered.I am more able to take a step back and look at things objectively and it is bringing me a huge sense of peace. Where before I felt guilty if I did anything new or enjoyed myself now I think this is my time, it's got to be, and I must get on as best I can. This is not to sound callous or as if I don't miss him as much as I did before, it's just a dawning realisation that this is all there is now and so I have to begin a new life and all that it throws at me.

I didn't go back to work for 7 months after he died as I simply wasn't ready. Everyone is different and you must do what is best for you. I couldn't face it before then and it was hard when I did go back but so many people were so kind and caring and I was allowed to go back on reduced hours to start with that it helped. Now I'm glad I'm back as it gets me out and keps me busy. I get a greast sense of pride and achievement when a work day goes well that it all contributes to my sense of well being and acceptance.

I've now done all the first dates and many other firsts without him. It's made me stronger and more empathetic but it has also made me selfish to a degree. Having seen a big strong man of 41 die in such an unspeakably cruel way as cancer ravaged his poor wasted body I now find I put myself first in many ways. You only get one life and his, and your loved ones, had it taken away. So my life now is for living and it's all about me. I'm getting out more with friends and the need to be sociable is only human. I've done the being alone in the house and not going out and that was right for me then. Now I like to get out more and be with people.

These are all steps and I think whatever is right for you as an individual at the time is right and no-one should ever think otherwise. That is what I've learnt over this last awful year of being on my own.

I have scattered some of his ashes in Richmond where we got married and some in Kenya. Some is in the boot of the car from when the urn tipped over and spilled, and the rest is in the house in the urn which is in the hall so he can be part of the life of the house. I've put one of his hats on the urn as well.

Love to all of you xxx