Cancer Widow/Widower Club

Trev and Linda,

Thank you both for sharing.  It's coming up to four months since I lost Gary, and I was just starting to see a chink of light at the end of the tunnnel, when wham, back I went to square one. 

It certainly is roller coaster ride from one day to the next.  Silly things still set me off.  I colected a new car this afternoon, and drove it home in floods of tears because Gary was not there to come with me, as he had so many times before.  Another first that I wasn't ready for.

For the first weeks, i was kept pretty busy with all the paperwork, but now that is finnished, i find myself wondering what i can do with my time, (I am retired), there is only so much housework and gardening that a body can do.

I am dreading the Royal Wedding day.  I'm sure it will trigger so many memories of my own.  I am intending to drive my new car to visit my grandchildren that morning.  It's a hundred fifty miles.  I have never driven so far before, Gary always insisted on doing all the long distance drives. The prospect is daunting, another one of the long list of things I now have to do by myself.

The worst thing for me is the sheer loneliness.  Knowing that i will always come home to an empty house is heartbreaking.  But, i have had some very very slightly better days, so i must hope there are more to come.

As you say Trev, it is good to know that others empathsise with the pain of loss. Wishing you all strength for the comming days

Daffie

Hi Daffie,  The car Pam and I chose together and ordered months ago should be delivered soon.  Pam had the final word on the model, colour and trim etc ..... obviously this is another bitter sweet thing coming along!  In one respect it will be nice because she made those choices but like you I'll be alone ... she won't be there with me!  In all honesty I've lost all interst in it anyway.

Take care  Trev

Dear All

My lovely Dad died two years ago at the age of 61 from lung cancer which had spread to his liver and maybe further.  It was very sudden and thankfully painless but we were all left utterly devastated and still are of course.  I have two sisters and we have become much closer since his death but two of us are in a constant state of guilt and worry about our mum.  We all live close by and phone her every day. I call down every Friday and Saturday, if not more and one sister also does her best to take my mum out during the week.  My mum works full time but we constantly feel guilty and cant imagine how she must feel. Feeling guilty is a constant reminder of all our loss and we want to try to help our mum as best we can.  She is also the youngest of her brothers and sisters and is contstantly worrying about their health.  She has gone to counselling and is now on antidepressants.  We bought her a dog so she gets out every day and she has some friends but her and my dad spent most of their time together and she doesnt put herself forward. I would appreciate any  advice from anyone who was in the same situation on either side.  What would have helped you.

Thanks so much for listening xx

Daffie, yet again as our cases are so close in time they seem to be mirroring each other,  we both had the psychic experience and now at 5 months I  was feeling better then suddenly 2 weeks ago it turned and bit really hard.  Seem to be getting a bit better this week now.   I was thinking of getting a new car, I love my old Discovery and so did Jean so  the reverse applies for me and I think ofd something small and more suited to just me  , but then we did/do so like the old beast . We all have so much in common, so many of us we can't all be wrong about it.  Also trying to be positive, if you lost your partner to any other cause is there support like this we have on the site  , the suffering must be the same.  All the best,  Bill.

Hi Daffie and Bill, I also had to pick up my new car, its a mobility car as I have bad arthritis and my mum also needs it, I went with Del in November to have a look and he picked the car, he loved it, he always picked the car and I picked the colour. I had to get it 25th March, i went with my son. When Del died I tried to change the colour as he didnt like the blue I picked, but it was to late to change it. Del would have been excited getting the new one. In a way Im glad he picked the car as I always trusted what he said, but am so sad he never got to ride in it. Saying that when I go to the caravan I always take him, so I suppose in away he does ride in it.

Last week I wasnt to bad, but last night and today its gone bang and have spent most of last night and today crying, just cant stop. Im so glad for this site, Im not getting any councelling and think I would have gone mad if it werent for the great people on here. Im just so sad there is so many of us.

Sending thoughts and hugs to everyone. Take care Carol xxxx

Carol,

Gary was just the same.  Always picked the car.  I was allowed to choose the colour, but even then he would he would often veto my first choice. He would always spend a long time poring over catalogues until he made his choice.  Safety was always his first priority.  Just before he died, he instructed our daughter to ensure that i traded in his large car, much too big and powerful for me to handle, or so he thought, and my small run about, not enough safety features he said for me to drive long distances for a medium sized car with all the safety bells and whistles.  So I have done what he wanted.

When i parked my old car for the last time, I felt that i was losing yet another link with Gary.  I had driven him to so many medical appointments in it, at times it felt like I was running a hospital taxi service.

Today has been a slightly better day.  I drove over to an out of town shopping centre, really enjoying drivng my new car.  After a morning of retail therapy, i spent the afternoon in the garden.  I noticed that several plants and shrubs i thought had died after the freezing winter are beginning to show signs of life.  I would like to think that this might be a sign that i too am emerging into a new life...............

Hi Daffie, Del was the same always more interested in cars, I just drive it, but he was always safety concious. He just fell in love with the new mariva and all its gadgets, that I still dont know what half of them are for.

Taking my old car back was sad, because it was also the car that took him backwards and forwards to hospital. I even hated cleaning it before i took it back, some how it felt like I was clearing him out. Also having it for 2yrs before Del was ill it had many happy memories..

I also did some gardening today, i have made a special part for del. Last night and today has been bad its nearlly 13 weeks now since I lost him, and have been crying most of the night and today, just hope tomorrow will be better.

Hugs take Care Carol xxx

Carol,

I hope you have found a little peace today.  I have to stay in this morning for the gas man.  Something else Gary always did. 

It's cold and grey here this morning,  with spits of rain. I'm glad i cut the grass  yesterday, although I managed to pull some chunks of moss out, so there are now some brown dents where it used to look green!  I shall have to get some of that "patch repair stuff" they show on telly.  Don't expect it will be cheap, but need to do something.  At least it's the right weather for grass to grow.

You put me to shame.  i didn't clean my old car before it went back.  I have never cleaned a car, another one for Gary.  I have found a band Polish car cleaners based near here, so have been paying them to do the cleaning.  they are very thorough, and reasonably priced.

A friend who lost her husband two years ago, tol.d me recently that when people started to congratulate her on getting to grips with the technical stuff her husband had always done, she them that she had always known what to do, had just never been allowed to do it.  That really sums up how I feel too.....

Have as good a day as you can

Daffie xxx

Haven't posted on here for a while. Sometimes I come on to the site with the intention of posting but then after reading various posts I end up feeling too sad and weary and end up signing out again. Of course reading the posts here we all can identify so much with each other's situation. One thing that strikes me and I find odd is that no matter what I am doing or where I am its like my brain (whether I want to or not ) is always trying to connect that activity or place back to my wife. Daffie and Carol you are talking about cars and their connection to your partners even when it is something as mundane as cleaning the car out. This sadness is just everywhere I guess but then again maybe it is no bad thing to have constant reminders. Last week I had my family to dinner and although I have had people round before several times for meals, on this one occasion when I set the table (before anyone had arrived) the numbers meant that there would be one empty chair at the table! I looked at it and simply sat down and cried. I just did not see that one coming and I had to then take the chair away and put it aside in another room. And so it goes on.

Apart from all that, today is going along on a even keel.

Best wishes to you all, Joe

Daffie, from what you  say about the weather today sounds like you are here  in Hampshire.   Big problem I have with the garden is that there are so many reminders there, not so bad today with the chill wind though covering up the  real reason for the wet eyes . Bill.