Cancer Widow/Widower Club

I to, have my husbands ashes still i can't bring myself to part with them - not at this time anyway - , Its 9 months since i lost my jim, and i miss him more that ever iam just coping with life the best i can. Since the season has changed the longer days and warmer weather seems to make it worse just reminds me of all the times we spent sat in our garden chatting drinking coffee and just enjoying life, simple delights just gone oh how fragile life is..................

christne

Christine Thats how I feel about the longer days, and the nice weather.

My husband loved the garden in the summer, like you we spent hours out there.

So fragile!!!!.

Take care all,

K

Hi all,

The lighter nights and warmer weather does seem to be hard to take - see too many families enjoying themselves together and it makes me feel so sad - the longing just to be normal like them.  Im off on holiday at the moment so finding things really hard at least when Im working I have something to focus on.  Going away for a few days to London with my son tomorrow - something we had planned as a family but were then unable to do - not really looking forward to it but I have to push forward for my son.  Take care all of you and be kind to yourselves.

Hi everyone,

Its nearly 13 horrible weeks since I lost Del and things arnt getting better, every day is hard no matter what Im doing I just cant concentrate and be happy about any thing. I to have Dels ashes, during the day he is on the little table next to where he always sat  and at night he is upstairs with me, thats our private talking time (and crying), most nights I have gone to sleep cuddling him and when I wake I find my dog is also on the bed with her head on his casket ( Im sure she knows its him). If I go away Del comes with me, i have told every-one if they want me to stay then they will have to have him. When he was alive we did every thing together and Im not stopping now.

I also agree the days now are worse, hearing people and knowing they are happy, the bar-be-que Del bought last year will stay covered up, I have no use for it now. He enjoyed being in the garden, he loved the sun, now even that is hard. Not the same, cant bare to sit out there on my own.

Take care all of you, hugs Carol.xx

Hi Bill,  That's a lovely thing you've done with Jeans ashes and it'll be nice each year when the blooms are out.  My thinking at the moment is that after I fall off my own perch I'd like my children to scatter mine and Pam's ashes together at a special place we used to love to go and visit.

We're all going through the same very painful experience and it's so very clear from what everyone is writing that we all share very similar emotions and anxieties ..... the way we deal with them may be different in many cases but at the core we all seem to be in the same sad, lonely situation.  It's now 8 weeks today for me and over the weekend I was floored by comments made by an acquaintance I meet in the supermarket to the effect that maybe I should be starting to be coming to terms, getting over it etc ... by now! he's never been married or lost anyone close so really hadn't a clue so I suppose, like many others who haven't had the misfortune to walk in our shoes he hasn't a clue! ..... but his comments really did floor me as I just was not expecting it at all.

Walking back home from the supermarket yesterday in the lovely weather I saw so many couples taking a stroll, enjoying the rare sunshine ..... I couldn't get home fast enough ..... it's so hard not to feel completely cheated out of the simple pleasure of being able to do that myself.

Take care everyone .... Trev

Hi Claire,

Just wanted to say that I hope tomorrow (the 12th) is not too distressing for you.

Take care, Trev x

Morning Trev, picture of the Magnolia can be seen in photos, Kay was very generous to me with the stars ,  it's a variety called 'sweetheart' which she stilll was and called so after 60 years. Asd I say its for us but not everybody .  Just hope she doesn't  find out how much it cost. but she would love the thought.  In due course I will join her and current plans are that when I am gone our two oldest boys will move in here .  Like I said too , who you saw in the supermarket, I only listen to those with experience,  easiest thing in the World is to tell someone what to do especially if you don't know  how what is involved .   All the best  Bill.

Morning Bill generous no...well deserved my friend.

Take care,

Kay

Trevz

Its not unusual to feel worse 8 weeks on,  I felt like that too.  I was ok following Bills death and throughout the funeral etc.   I was about 6 weeks into this journey and it was the anniversary of him being diagnosed.  I think I cried for 3 weeks non stop, couldnt speak to anyone or even think of anything without breaking down.

I'm now 14 weeks into this and still have very bad days, but if I keep busy, its not too bad. Sometimes just coming into the empty house hits you and I can breakdown.    I agree that you need to have experienced this grief to ever know how bad it is.  No one can explain how bad it is unless you have been through it and its very patronising for someone to tell you you should be getting over it. 

My doctor said that I might never get over it, but I will learn to deal with it , but there is no time frame and can only think one day at a time, you can even feel ok in the morning, but by the afternoon can be a wreck.   Its so sad that there are so many of us out there going through this, but its good to know that someone does understand the pain and emptiness we all feel.

You say that you werent sure of the support group, but you might find comfort in it if you persevere.  I attended a carers support group while Bill was ill and it helped that others shared my thoughts and emotions, I now go to one to one counselling with the counsellor that took that group and I dont know what state I would be in without her.  She helps me understand that how I feel is normal and its good to talk to someone face to face who really understands what I have been through and still going through.

Linda

That's a beautiful picture of your Magnolia Sweetheart Bill and I think Kay did you justice with the stars.

Thanks for your feedback Linda,  we're not that far apart in how far we're in to this ..... 14 weeks is also only a very short time (though some people may not think so).  Like you I'm amazed at how suddenly you can change from feeling reasonably OK to feeling absolutely wretched .... and I agree absolutely that it's really good that all of us in this awful situation are able to empathise completely with all the pain and emptiness we have, and that some other people in our lives struggle to understand.

I am going to continue with the support group along with a few other things that I'm trying.  I'm likening this experience to being up to my neck in quicksand and trying to grab on to as many things dangling over me as possible in the hope that at least one or a combination of them might enable me to drag myself up. 

Take care ... Trev