Cancer Widow/Widower Club

Its not suprising that we feel the presence of our loved one.  My Bill was  'my other half' for so long and it wasnt until he was gone that the saying meant so much.  I feel his presence and like to think he is looking down on me,   i dont really believe in the phsycic world, but you do wonder if there is something to it.   Bill actually said to me the day before his diagnosis that he thought he was dying. At the time I told him not to be so silly, but the next day our world fell apart when he was told he had a terminal brain tumour. Life was never normal again or ever will be.

I struggle to deal with his loss and hope that in time it will get better, just now that doesnt seem possible.  I've still got the anniversaries and birthdays to get through. Bills birthday was christmas day and he died on 29th December, so christmas for me, although still a long way off, fills me with dread.   I cry when I look at my beautiful little grand daughter and how much Bill would have enjoyed her as she starts to speak and toddle around. She was only 7 weeks old when he first took ill and he found it so hard to think of her and he would never see her growing up, he had so looked forward to her birth.

I'm still of work and read in one of the posts that work has helped, but I dont think I can face everyone coming up to me without me breaking down. I've said I may try to go back at the beginnng of may, but thats getting closer and I'm not sure if I'm ready or ever will be.  Anyone got any advice in how to deal with this hurdle?

 Trev,
I know what you mean about feeling alone.  I never knew what they meant about being alone in a crowd, but I do now.  As you say, I like to be at home, but that always brings with it the heartache of knowing they will never be there with us again.  I have been trying to sort out our dining room/office and keep coming across paperwork that is so emotive.  This date he was there, this date he was ill, this date he was gone. 
I hope your visit to the hospice gathering went well and gave you some sort of comfort.  We need every little bit of comfort we can get. I am sure you will also get comfort walking through the bluebell wood.  What a lovely thought.

Linda, yes you do find that the stark emotion of bereavement comes over in waves.  You can feel not too bad one minute and then ‘bam’ you are overwhelmed with that extreme sense of loss, which at times seems unbearable.   I am hoping that these waves will ride over us less and less as time goes on.
I hope you can enjoy your weekend away somewhat.  I went for a weeks holiday with friends a couple of weeks ago and it was OK.  No sense of excitement, but I knew I had to do it, I had to try and make this new life fit and get on with life no matter how hard it seems.  So it is something you have to do and I am sure it will be good to be with your family.
As you say, there is no right or wrong way to deal with grief, you just have to do whatever it takes to get you through.

Yes I have Martin’s ashes in the bedroom too.  I talk to him and sometimes, when I am really blue, I just sit and hold them as if I was holding him.  I do get comfort from this, but I bet some would think I am losing the plot if they saw me.  I have still yet to decide what to do with them.  I think I will probably scatter them under this Christmas tree in the garden.  But I do not think I am ready to do that yet.  But I will know when the time is right.

Oh Daffie, I do not think you are losing your marbles.  How can you dispute what you saw/felt, as they say ‘there are greater things in heaven and earth…’. I have not seen Martin around the house but I have sometimes thought I have felt him pass by.  I am sure they are still around, keeping an eye on us. I hope you are feeling a bit better today, as you say it is so very hard.

Clare, glad to have you here, although not for the reason you have found us. I hope the 12th goes OK for you.  Sometimes the thought of these dates are worse than the actual date.  I keep looking back to this time last year.  Oh, this time last year Martin had not been diagnosed yet, we had no idea what the next few months would bring. (He was actually diagnosed on 23rd and I lost him 5 months later on 23rd September) This path we tread is such a lonely one, but one we have to tread alone.  No-one who has not walked in our shoes can start to imagine the pain that losing your partner brings.

Hi Piglet, glad you found your way here and hope reading the posts can help somewhat.

Well I think I have been on here enough for tonight.  So I will wish you all as good a night as you can have and I will now pour myself a large drink and settle down to watch TV.  At least TV numbs the mind for a while.

Take care and keep swimming

Pammie xx

Pammie, we do what we have to do , there are no right and wrong . I am still amazed at the advice I have been given by people who have not had the experience , on how to cope and what I should and shouldn't be doing . So many of us say the same sort of thing on here though, yes Jean and I had reached the  happy stage where we knew what the other was thinking and could finish sentences, I think that is the  hardest part which the loneliness emphasises for me.  No one to talk to , I have started putting it down, it may get on here one day.    Even a gainst the tide ?.  

Bill.

Hi Ashbonce please accept my condolences for your mum.  I dont think it is strange at all keeping your husband's ashes.  I have kept my husband's at the moment I feel I want to keep them so one day we can both be together when I die my ashes can go with his.  Dont know if I'll always feel like this.  Sometimes I think about putting some of them into a keepsake but not sure about disturbing them.  As you can see Im confused so at the moment Im not going to do anything.  Take care.

John, I think the only good advice I was given was …Do whatever it takes to get you through… and that is so true.  We all have different ways of dealing with our grief and we must do whatever we can to make each day bearable.
As you say, the loneliness is so hard, when you are used to living your life with your partner for so long how do you get through the days without them. But that is something that we must do, because what is the alternative.

Ash, my condolences for your mum.
What you do with the ashes is completely up to you.  I am still not sure what to do with Martin’s.  But I am sure I will know when the time is right.

Well, I am now going to watch the TV and pour myself out a large drink.  Well what’s new.

I hope you all have as good an evening as you can and keep swimming

Pammie x

I too have my husbands ashes...I went away last weekend but had to take them with me!

I cannot leave them behind; realistically I know I cant live life in the long term like that, but for now thats how it is.

I often cuddle them, and they go to bed with me every night! Oh dear... Like Pammie said, do what ever it takes. So so true

Take care

K

I've been feeling quite low recently .... nearly 8 weeks on and if I'm honest the last four or five days have been the worst so far. 

Many of you have recently mentioned that you have the ashes of your loved ones somewhere in your homes and whilst I agree that it's not for everyone I too have Pam' s ashes with me in our bedroom .... for me it's the only place she should be!  apart from the kitchen that is.  She loved to spend hours in there cooking, experimenting with different recipes and listening to her music, the kitchen was her domain and until she became wasn't really allowed to do much in there.  On balance though, I think the bedroom is best, it's very rare that anyone else other than me goes in there and I can speak with her at night and when I wake. 

Pammie, I'm not too sure about my visit to the group meeting at the hospice, early days yet but I will go again and see how it develops.  It's difficult, I know when you sort through stuff and something hits you off guard .... as you had when you were doing your dining room.  I've had lots of similar things happen. and they always hit you when you're completely off your guard don't they?

Ash, The lady who (if I recall) started this off.  Lovely to see your recent posts and so sorry to hear of the loss of your mother.  Life never gets any easier!

Trev

Hello Trevz, I got a certain feeling of release and what I thought was closure when I put Jean's ashes in the middle of the front lawn and planted a Magnolia on top of them, this is what I know she would  be happy with and was right for me , I had to do the  disposal thing being on a deadline with the  tree planting and I was comfortable with it.  Thought I was through the worst but suddenly a fortnight ago  everything turned completely about and the past couple of weeks have been tough  .Still very fragile inside despite telling myselfd it has got to and will get easier  . They tell me this is how it goes, well time will  tell the truth of it but the only ones I listen to are those who have been there and I think you know I have reservations about the professional counsellors .  Hope you come out of it soon and if you will excuse me I hope I am there with you,.  All the best Bill.