Cancer Widow/Widower Club

Christine,

I am just three months on from losing Gary.  Like you, I am finding it very hard to go on.  For the first month or so, i was on automatic pilot.  Then there was all the paperwork and legal formalities, and an inquest.  Now with all that over, I  realise i have no focus for my life, and i don't know how to go about finding  one.

From time to time, different things have triggered memories of Gary, but yesterdy I had such an unnerving experience, call it a flash back, vision or whatever.  His presence was so real, the picture of him seems to be etched into my mind.  I can still see him, although not as clearly as at first.  I don't know where he is in the image, but he is smiling kindly at me, and looks as he did before diagnosis.

I am not a phsycic person.  I don't believe in mystism.  My working background was scientific and mathmlatical research.  I alm at a loss to undeerstand what happened.  Rationaly, I know the answer is probably that my grief stricken mind is playing tricks, but a tiny part of me hopes that Gary is sending me a sign.

Oh dear I have just reads that back.  It sounds as if I am losing my marbles.  Just plain old grief I guess, but today has been very hard.

Hello everyone

Just found this forum and so glad I did. I haven't been on the mac site much since I lost my beloved husband on 12th April 2010 as I used to get upset but now I've found my way back and feel good to be part of a community again who understand how it is.

Too many posts to comment on but Trev's really resonates with me and the early days when I didn't want to leave the house as I felt he was here and didn 't want to leave him. I stayed off work until November as I couldn't face that either but once I went back I was so touched by how many people came to speak to me and how I was helped back in gradually and supported. Now I couldn't cope without work to go to every day although coming home to an empty house is still awful and probably always will be. Shortly after returning to work I got made redundant and the poor person who had to tell me was more upset than me. What's losing a job after losing Toni? I got another job straight away and am doing okay.

I'm very fast approaching the first anniversary as it's next week. I have been dreading it and found myself to be very weepy over the last few weeks as I looked back to this time last year. I am also now realsiing how lonely I am. I too miss having that someone to tell the little day to day trivia of life to.

It's very hard dealing with our grief and we have to do the best we can and what is right for one person is not necessarily right for another. What we do is right for ourselves and never let anyone tell you different. I'm sure you've all had people tell you what you should be doing!! I know I have. But as the year has gone on I have always gone with my feelings at the time and I seem to be doing okay. There are good days and there are bad days and a word, a song, a memory or something else will catch me unawares and off I go. But I'm glad I can cry as I couldn't for months and I thought I was doing something wrong or I was unfeeling but not at all. The mind lets you deal with the enormity of what's happened in its own way.

Toni died 5 months after diagnosis and after a lot of suffering and I was so relieved when he died for him that I switched off the reality of his death. I regretted that for months and have only just come to terms with it. I think we blame ourselves unnecessarily sometimes for things we really can't help or change.

Anyway I won't ramble on anymore but just say thanks for starting this thread and although I'm sorry we're all here and don't really want to be in reality it's a great thing we can support each other after losing our partners and that we understand.

Love and hugs to all

Claire xxx

Hi,

I too have been reading this thread since it started and it has helped me so much   I used to post on the bereaved spouse forum but it is quite quiet.  Just wanted to add that your posts make me realise my feelings are normal and I'm not completely mad.  My husband died last May and I have a 15 year old son.  Thank you all try to stay strong.

Dafie, you are no more losing your marbles than I am, had a similar experience and waiting to see who else had. I am also a scientist, a biologist, and have no time for the spirit world but had this event which was very real for me. Lost my Jean on 20th October to recurrent breast cancer in our local hospice. The funeral was as she would wish very , very simple , a humanist service taken by a former pupil of mine, strictly no flowers but I made an exception for the yellow rose sent by the hospice as it showed their commitment to care. About 2 months later I was outside, top of the drive as  I often  am outside the garage and we had just walked out of the crematorium after the committal,Jean beside me , there were other people folowing, and she said to me , ' That was nice, I did enjoy that '.  A few days later I had to see my GP as a routine visit and related this and he said 'yes it does happen '.   So you are not alone, you may want to read that twice or more to get the picrture but it was very real.  Best thing for me is that I can  remember that as her last  saying which previously had been 2 days before dying  ' I want to die, I don't want to live ' and that is burned into my brain and I have not seen anyone else comment on their loved one's last words.

I’ve taken great comfort in reading all your recent posts, it’s become so very clear to me that even though we’re all at different stages in this long unpleasant process and our actual experiences during the illnesses and final loss of our dear wives / husbands were very diverse we have so very much in common in our experiences and feelings since our actual loss occurred.  Until I had the opportunity to speak with a few widowers I know from work and discovered this forum I really thought I was in a little bubble on my own, communication with non widows / widowers was difficult and at times a little frustrating as not having lived the experience they are only able to try to imagine what it’s like …. And as we all know, the reality is far darker than any of us would have imagined it would be.  So a great big thanks to you all for allowing me to burst out of my bubble and realise that what I’m going through is an entirely normal (if extremely unpleasant) experience. 

It makes me wonder about those who are mourning the loss of their dearest, but for what ever reason, may not have access to the support and comfort of others in the same situation …. As we have on this site ….. I’m not sure how they can be reached, if indeed they exist, but knowing how I’ve been feeling since losing Pam I’m sure I would have driven myself insane had I not found a way to look outside the bubble.

It’s Pam’s birthday in a few weeks ….. early May, when the bluebells are in full bloom! …. The beautiful vision of blue carpeted bluebell woods were always very special to us, we have a wonderful watercolour by a local artist of such a view hanging in our dining room which we chose together some years ago.  There’s a line in the song ‘The Twelfth of Never’, a song Pam really loved that goes ‘I’ll Love You ‘Til The Bluebells Forget To Bloom’ ….. we had that song playing during the entrance at Pam’s funeral ….. I hope we get a good showing this year …. I’ll probably spend the day walking along a local walking route that includes passing through several bluebell woods.  I know it’s going to be a tough day but I hope that what I’m planning will make me feel close to her.  

Claire …. I hope you’re able get through the 12^th OK.  I’m told that sometimes the build up to these anniversaries can be worse than the day itself …. not sure how true that is but in time I’m sure I’ll find out.

I must just comment on the way Christine said that “I loved this woman to her very bones” ….. a lovely way to put it, thank you, and yes it’s true …. we were completely devoted to each other.   Sometimes it flashes through my mind that all of this would be easier to bear if our love hadn’t been so strong ….. maybe, maybe not, but without that love, the 42 years we were together would not have been anywhere near so special …. And I wouldn’t trade that for anything.

Any way …. I’ll stop wittering on for now!

Keep strong everybody …. Trev x

Hi everyone

Thanks Trev. A very good friend told me the build up to the day is worse than the day itself and I'm taking comfort from that. She said a lot of the build up is to do with 'this time last year' and that is certainly true for me. I keep thinking back to what was happening and can't get it out of my head. I think should I have done this or that? Would it have been different? Of course not it's just the mind playing its tricks again.

But it is a great comfort to read other's experiences and know you're not alone and you're not going mad. I too loved the bones of Toni and that is such a wonderful way to sum my feelings up for him. We only had 9 years together and had planned so much. We've both been robbed by this cruel disease.

I hope your bluebell walk is a comfort Trev and if you cry that's good too. I hope it brings you close to Pam.

I too wonder how people cope without the support of others who understand. I tried a bereavement support group but it was awful. This forum is so much better and the level of honesty a comfort as we know we're not alone.

Love and hugs to all

Claire xx

Oh daffie, its not long is it, so raw . If the experience gives you comfort then go with the flow.  My friend lost her husband 9 yrs ago, after he'd been gone a year she "saw him" sitting on the sofa and smiling , then another time he was in his beloved garden waving. She is the most cynical non believing person you could meet.  I almost envy her as i would love to have such an experience as jim and i was so close and  so in love. I dont think your losing your marbels just normal.

hugs to you, christine.xxxxxxx

Christine,

Thank you for sharing your friend's experiences.  The image is so vivid, I can still see it two days later.  I am feeling calmer now, although at first I did wonder if Gary was calling me to join him...... At first, I was really frightened.

Grief and bearevement certainly do odd things to my mind.  I still feel as though I am living in dream world where life goes on normally for everyone around me.  I had a few slightly better days last week, then bam, back down in despair again.

Hopfully tomorrow will be a beter day. I have a long list of things I need to do so will try and focus on getting some of them done.

Hi Daffie,

I had an unusual experience 2 months to the day and time that my husband died.  I had taken my son on holiday for a few days and hated every minute of it.  On returning home I fell asleep on the couch I woke after midnight and had a strange feeling there was someone standing behind the livingroom door at first I thought someone had broken in and I looked at the door it wasnt fully closed and through the small gap I could swear I saw my husband's hair - just the side of it.  I looked away then the feeling passed.  That night I had a very vivid dream about him - he was standing beside my son in the dream.  I asked him why he was there as he was dead in the dream I gave him a cuddle and thought it strange he felt normaland not like a ghost.  The nexr day I felt very calm - so grief does play strange tricks on us.  After reading this you probably think I need committed to the nearest psychiatric hospital who knows .

Now Daffie has opened the door it seems lots of others have had the same experiences as we had with our loved one coming back. Mine was so real I still have some difficulty in believing it but it is very much treasured .  Bill.