Cancer Widow/Widower Club

To Pammie, better to have loved and lost as the old saying goes, I sure know about the loved bit but the lost is a total lie , whoever said  has not been in my shoes that is for sure.   I am lucky I don't suffer wiith the 'why me?'  as in my last job before retiring working with essential oils I developed the most awful case of dermatitis on my hands, 30+ others , no one suffered anything and it was not down to care or lack of it . So I got this thing rationalised in my mind,  S**t sticks as they also say.  I have to look for other ways also in which I feel fortunate, stops you going too sour and bitter. Bereavement group meeting yesterday at the Hospice, brings you face to face with others locally so in that way better even than being on here. Doesn't stop you feeling lonely though ,another day Jean did not have the tea ready when I got home. XX Bill.

Hi, I've just read through all of your collective posts and I’m not embarrassed to say that I’ve wept uncontrollably.  I lost the love of my life Pam to ovarian cancer on Valentine’s Day 2011 … just coming up to 7 weeks ago.  She passed away at 6.45 pm ... exactly 35 years and 5 hours after first putting on her wedding ring … it was or 35^th wedding anniversary.  She was so very brave but so very scared and it will haunt me until the day I die that I could never completely take away that fear despite being camped next to her 24/7 in the hospice.  I never realised how hard it would be to be on my own and not have the person by my side to give me the comfort I needed … as we had given each other so many times previously in times of family bereavement.  All bereavements are hard to deal with but this one is on a completely different level.  What has become clear to me since mid-February is that no one other than those of us who have lost a loving and devoted husband or wife can understand just what a continual painful sickening experience it is.  A colleague of mine who lost his wife in late 2009 said to me the other day that anyone who says they can adequately describe it in words can never have experienced it, because despite the thousands of words we have at our disposal there are just not enough combinations to enable the reader or listener to truly comprehend.  To truly comprehend, it has to be lived.  My Mother-in-Law was widowed at the age of 49, it was just after our wedding, and over the years Pam and I did all we could do to try to help with her grief and loneliness.  We thought we understood, in hindsight I now realise we hadn’t a clue.  I now fully understand and I actually find myself occasionally apologising to a photograph of her. 

One of your recent posts referred to flashbacks …. I can empathise with that completely.  In the last 4 months of Pam’s life she had a horrendous time, I did my very best to take care of all her needs day and night, but I had to watch her rapid weight loss and increasing weakness and since her passing I’ve regularly experienced very vivid images that seem to be tattooed on my eyeballs which are very distressing.  People have said …. concentrate on all your wonderful happy memories.  I try to do that but it doesn’t work, I am hoping though that in time these images will fade and allow the others through.  I’m telling myself that if I try and box these bad images up and put a padlock on too soon they may burst out at some point when I’m least expecting it so maybe it’s part of the process I need to go through.

Trev x

Well trevz, I keep thinking that no loss can be worse than mine and then to have that on your wedding anniversary has got to be.  We were within exactly two months of the 60th anniversary of our first date that always being to us more significant than the wedding date which after 7 years was rather a formality , tha was how we viewed iot , as we are all agreed onn hee whast was right for you was what mattered . The loneliness is certainly the worst part, I have had just 5 months thought I was over the worst but this week has been rough and today the worst of all.  You will get lots of support on here, I cerainly have as there is so much understanding based on sad experience . Look at the bereaved and widowed blogs and I hope they will give you strength .  Best wishes.  Bill.

Hi Trev. Am truly sorry for the loss of your wife. There is no need for embarassment about weeping. I cry every day for my Patricia. Like you I am haunted by things which I saw my wife go through in the five short weeks of her illness. You say you were with her 24/7 when she was in the hospice, well as we all know painfully well our partners are sometimes our greatest strength in life and you should take comfort in the fact that your wife had that strength beside her when she was afraid .

I asked the nurses at the hospice about the fact that my wife may be afraid or upset and from that I found out that they do administer drugs which minimise anxiety for the patient but I still agonise over it.

I did post on here about the flash backs and from the feed back I get both on here and from the bereavement group I attend is that it is not an unusual thing to happen. But when it happens it is just so awful and worst of all they do come at you out of the blue. It is simply wrong to have to see the person whom you love more than your own life having to suffer . One tactic that I try is just thinking that this was the worst imaginable part of my wife's life and it is simply wrong of me to remember her in that way and doesn't do her memory justice.

You did well to come to this site and as well as sadness you will find there are some incredibly inspirational people on here both in your own position but also coping directly or indirectly with cancer

Try and stay strong

Joe

Oh Trev, it is such early days for you.  I can only give you the advice I was given when I started on this long lonely road.  ‘Take each day as it comes and if you can’t do days then do hours and don’t look too far into the future’ .  After I lost my husband, Martin, I was racked with guilt.  Did I do all I could, how much did he suffer, I had so much sadness for him.  But then as the weeks went on I realised that whatever went on before, Martin was now at peace.  It was then up to me to look to taking care of me.  He would have wanted me to do this and I could hear him in my head ‘You go for it girl’.  So please do not be too hard on yourself.  I am sure you did everything you could possibye do.  In those dark days things just happen, lots are out of our control. Don’t beat yourself up about it all.

It is true that, however much you felt for the bereaved in the past, it is not until you have walked in their shoes you really know how they are feeling.  That is why this site is so helpful.  You can say what you want here and there will be no-one to condemn or deride.  We are all here for you.

I am over 6 months down this road, and I have found that more and more I am remembering Martin when he was well, not those dark days when he was well, and as time goes by I am sure you will be the same.

Just be gentle with yourself and give yourself time to grieve. 

Take care and try to keep swimming

Pammie xx

Hi Bill, Joe & Pammie (what a beautiful name ... my Pam was called Pammie by her friends).  It was so heartwarming to see and read your replies to my post and very reassuring to know that I'm not alone in swimming against the current in this awful and lonely situation. I know what you mean about the loneliness Bill, I feel so alone all of the time .... even when I'm amongst family and friends, it quite surreal, an almost dreamlike, unreal existence. Being at home alone is unbearable at times, it's often just the silly little things you suddenly remember or stumble across that set you off.  Whilst being at home alone is lonely and unpleasant at the moment it's really the only place I feel close to Pam and am able to have little conversations with her. 

Pam was also on medication at the hospice for anxiety Joe, she was receiving it along with a variety of other drugs through a couple of syringe drivers but some of the other drugs had the effect of increasing her anxiety so it was always a trade off and she would need several anti-anxiety top-up injections during the day/night after she very suddenly became very alert and frightened.  You're exactly right about devoted couples drawing mutual strength from each other.  The combined strength of the two being significantly greater than just the sum of the two.   I know my being beside her was very reassuring for her .... when she was alert enough she would tell me so.   That's very comforting for me now.

In the first week after my wife's passing I did ask myself all of the questions like 'did I do enough?' 'should I have done this ... or that differently?' and I spent 3 days going logically thorough the whole experience in my head step by step from when her symptoms first appeared in October 2009 until she died and I now have the great comfort of knowing that if I had to live through that again I'd do exactly the same the second time around. I was fortunate in that the company I work for were incredibly supportive and I was able to continue in my job, scaled back a bit, but doing much of my work from home, working it in over a 7 day week and including evenings during periods of time when Pam was settled or asleep etc.  I know many people do not have such supportive employers or do the kind of job that can often be done remotely.  So I suppose Pammie, that the guilt I had/have wasn't to do with not being able to do enough for her within the realms of my capability, but more to do with the fact that I was absolutely powerless and completely impotent in being able to protect her from the relentless ravages of this vile ugly disease that took the lives of our dear loved ones. 

You all say take it steady, a day or just an hour at a time and slowly it will become a little easier  .... and I'm sure that's true.  If I try to think about the future and a future 'new life' (unchosen by me!) that I'm forced to lead it doesn't look very appealing at all, in fact it fills me with dread .....  so it's very clear that you're all exactly right ... for the moment I must focus on the very short term and deal with it the way you have to eat an elephant ..... one mouthful at a time.

I'm attending a gathering tomorrow at the hospice of other people who lost their wifes/husbands there in the recent past and I'm hoping that will be something else that will help. 

Take care Trev x

Hi Trev,

I'm so sorry for your loss.  We all understand on here how hard it is and nobody can understand the pain and emptiness we all feel unless you have experienced it.   I'm 13 weeks into this journey and some days i dont feel too bad then something comes over me and the emptiness is overwhelming. 

I cry everytime I come on this forum, but it helps to know there are people out there who really understand and we have a bond that only we understand.  I had a lovely mothers day with my family yesterday and as a present they booked us all to go away for a weekend in May.  A lovely thought, but all I could think of was how was I going to cope with going back to a 'single room' on my own in a hotel.  My husband Bill  loved to go away with the family and I know I will miss him so much, but have to be strong.

I also think of Bill before he was ill, I dont want to think of the person in the hospice bed, who couldnt sit up or feed himself.  We'd been together since we were 18 and would have been married 36 years in June, my daughter also got married on the same date as us, so it will be hard to celebrate her wedding anniversary when I cant.

One day at a time, and I say thanks at the end of each day, that I got through it, I also talk to Bill, I have his ashes in the corner, and feel his presence. Its reassuring and helps with the loneliness.  Theres no right or wrong way to deal with this journey of grief and its a very long journey to travel on your own, but take strength that we understand how hard this is.  I go to counselling at the local cancer support centre and it helps to understand what I'm feeling is normal and only time can begin to heal, but the emptiness doesnt go away.

Stay strong.

Linda

Hi Linda,  Your words are very comforting and it's very clear to me in the way you describe your life since you lost Bill that it is very similar to mine ..... in fact we've followed a similar timeline from our teenage years.  Pam and I first got together at 16, were married at 22 and were parted at 57 exactly 35 years to the day of our marriage.  So in future years the 14th of February will be a very bitter/sweet day for me!

I really hope you can enjoy your little break with your family, I'm sure there will be times when your emotions will get the better of you, maybe when you're actually with your family but almost certainly when you're in your room alone .... it will be hard, very hard, especially as it's something that you used to enjoy doing as a couple.  It's one of the things I find very difficult at the moment ..... anything that we enjoyed as a couple I now try to avoid or at least minimise.

I'm really pleased I found this 'club' and have been able to communicate with people like yourself who truly understand.  Family and friends have been, and continue to be very loving and supportive and I don't know what I'd do without them but without walking the walk, as we are doing, they struggle to fully appreciate or understand much of what we're going through, and as an example in my case, why there are times I just feel the need to be at home and on my own.  I love my family dearly, as did Pam ,she doted on our children and grandchildren and interacting with them now, on my own without her is something I find very difficult emotionally.  Hopefully that will ease with time.

Thank you and take care Linda.

Trevor

Hi. Linda, glad I was not the only one with ashes on the dresser to talk to , we seem to be running in parallel again as I am with Trev, Jean and I courting when I was 17 and she was 15 , parted 2 months from 60th  anniversary of our first date .  The cancer was different but the devastation the same, I am 51/2 months down and though when I had put the ashes in the ground  I had got closure, talk to her now when I mow the lawn round the tree .  We do what we are driven to do . All the best of what there is now.  Bill.

 Hello trev,

I have just read your post and am so sorry at your loss, it is very early days for you yet, you have had a realy emmotional journey and need to process your terrible loss.

Iam 9 months down the line after the loss of my jim, he was the B all and end of my life, his loss is  indescribable i cannot make sence of it all iam at a complete loss at what to do, I do have flash backs of the last mins. of his life, it does fade a little as time goes by and you deal with it differentley.

Time will make you stronger, untill then you have to go through these different stages, and its not easy you would'nt expect it to be as you loved this woman to her very bones.

I send big hugs to you trev,

love from christine. xxxxxxx