Let's talk about dating and cancer

Bingo. I am a 41 year old male. Was diagnosed with kidney cancer in 2018 and had it removed. I am in monitoring phase since then. I had exactly similar experience as yours. Met someone on dating app, exchanged numbers, the moment I brought up my cancer, she made an excuse that network was bad and she couldn’t hear anything and would call back, and immediately blocked me, I felt like a stalker. Couple of them were kind enough to hear me out, but never contacted back. Sometimes, I ask myself that am I being too selfish by thinking about dating, but not understanding other person’s point of view. 

Hi there.  After reading the posts, I can give a different perspective, from a carer for my fella.

After life altering surgery, others who know him have backed off, including some family members, as they can't quite deal with what's happened and probably look to their own mortality.  It seems mean but it happens, unfortunately.

I reckon some who lurk on dating sites are diabolical creatures themselves but look for perfection in potential partners - they're the losers, not you guys, so take comfort in that.  Never feel inferior to anyone and you'll know instantly if someone is worth your time.  There's no selfishness in expecting someone to take you as you are.

As for myself, I love my OH more than I did before he got cancer.  Under awful circumstances, his brush with the grim reaper made us both wake up to how much we needed each other for the rest of our lives; nothing's going to change that.

Take heart all and as Eddie said, there are far more good people than bad; you'll probably come across them when you least expect it.

Sending hugs xxx

Hi Poppy. I'm sorry you were put through all that, it's so sad how some people treat you after knowing you have cancer isn't it?

I'm in a long distance relationship, but it feels pretty much over even though she insists it isn't. She is scared of losing me, and her way to cope is to back off emotionally from me. To make it worse, I only have 1 other true friend to turn to but they live so far away, I never see them. I did have a couple of other people I could write to but Macmillan removing the private message feature without even telling us hasn't helped with that!

I'm now desperate to get to know new people, but it's close to impossible when I'm often not too well and going out anywhere can be difficult.

I hope life starts to treat you better.

Geoff.

Hi Geoff, friends, partners, and family relationships, sadly do change when a cancer diagnosis is mentioned, but this is NOT your fault my friend and, some people just can't cope or understand when they are thrust into anything cancer related, whether it's fear, ignorance, immaturity, a previous bad experience, or maybe they weren't the person you thought they were, it's better to move on. I've been on my journey, non curable, for  3 1/2 years and been through some very difficult times with family, and lost many friends, some of whom I'd known for 50 years, I've also made many friends too, some truly special people who have their own experiences of cancer and like me refuse to be defined by it. On this forum is wide awake at night thread, pop on and say hello, the guys are wonderful.

Eddie 

Hi Geoff/BeefyMoo 

I just wanted to pop on to reassure you that Macmillan have not removed 

BeefyMoo said:

the private message feature without even telling us

but a technical glitch has meant that it's been temporarily suspended while the tech team sort it out.

Hi Eddie, thanks so much for your encouraging and supportive message. 

I was unaware before that people would react like they have, but I do understand that it's tough for people who know me as well as for me. The other day I was talking to my long distance partner about this, walking on egg-shells as I feel I have to do with this subject. She was upset and angry with me for saying that she backed off from me because I have cancer. As I said to her though - She did do exactly that! She told me she had herself. She was unhappy with how it made her sound and she was annoyed that I thought of her like that. I didn't know what to say, because I was only going by what she told me. It looks like I took her the wrong way, but I don't know how else to take it.

I'm sure that our brains control what happens to our bodies far more than is apparent, even to doctors, so I have this theory that if we think positively and tell ourselves we're getting better, than maybe in some way our bodies will respond to that and heal themselves. Far fetched maybe, it sounds a bit voodooish! It's just a thought anyway.    I told this to my partner as a way to encourage her not to give up on me but to be more supportive and help me in more ways, as that could help with my positive thoughts which could lead to me recovering. All I actually managed to do though was upset her. It's like walking a tight rope in a way, trying to say the right thing and not pushing people away further.

It's great Eddie that you've managed to find new people in your life, I'm glad to hear it.

Geoff.

Hi, yes I've just been told the same thing by Sarah in another thread. I appreciate it very much, thanks for your post.  :)

Hi Geoff, I  don't know your your partner, obviously, but I  know  misunderstandings aren't uncommon at this time, and it doesn't matter how wellyou think you know someone, putting cancer in the mix is a huge shock to everyone, which we must all find our own way to come to terms with, and my friend I truly believe this calls for a face to face with your partner soon to talk about these misunderstandings, to hopefully give your relationship a restart, or at least remain good friends, if this is what you both want.

Your absolutely right my friend, a positive attitude is known to boost your immune system, many doctors will say, we can do half the job, the other half is up to you, so being positive, active and eating healthy is so important.

I do understand you saying you sometimes feel you have to walk on egg shells with people, I  found it better to tell them I  had cancer, and if they wanted to talk about it just ask, otherwise treat me as you always have, leaving it to them helps you move on  quicker.

Eddie 

Hi Eddie, thank you again for your message. I agree that I need a face to face with my partner, but that isn't going to happen any time soon. I can't do anything about that, it's up to her. She has her own medical reason for not seeing me but I believe she could if she really wanted to.

Oh yea, I will tell people I have cancer and talk about it as much as they want to listen. It's only my partner I walk on eggshells with, not others. Not that I have other people to talk to anyway, it's almost always nurses or healthcare people.

I want new people in my life who are local and will have time for me, and truly care about me and will give me more reason to carry on. I find it pretty much impossible meeting local people though, and now that I find it hard to get out due to medication side-effects, I feel like I may as well give up any hope.

Morning Beefy.

Aw, so sorry to hear how you feel; I'm not the cancer survivor here but my partner is, so I do have considerable insight into how isolating the ripple effects are.

Apart from my eldest, who lives nearby but works full-time, our only 'trips out' are to hospitals, with most face to face conversations being with medical professionals or other patients.  It's doubly difficult for my fella, having had a TL, ergo no voice at all!

Here's the good news; nothing's insurmountable if you look for solutions and I found ours, right here on the forums.  I've made many lovely, and supportive, virtual friends who totally understand how isolating a cancer diagnosis can be.  I've never been lonely, but have felt alone.  Through no fault of his own, my fella can't converse with me as yet, so I get my 'fix' by chuntering away on Awake, that's where I met Eddie and many others - they're spread around the country but that doesn't matter, as it can feel like they're in the room when chatting.  And once PMs are back, I'll be able to talk with a smaller group about things pertinent to our individual concerns on treatments, outcomes etc.

So, have a think about joining Awake - you already know Eddie and you'll receive the warmest welcome from everyone there.  We chat about anything under the sun and I really look forward to reading about what my new friends have been up to.  And you never know - you could connect with someone who lives local to yourself and arrange a meet up!  I know it's been done many times and my fella and me have got one in the offing for a later date.  It's provided an enormous boost to our wellbeing after a harrowing year.

Sending you all the best and hugs xxx