Have had recent treatment for a high grade prostate tumor and a pancreatic tumor, it's early days but the consultants say the outlook is good. Nevertheless, I feel "afflicted" and although there are so many people that seem to take cancer in their stride, even get energised to fight it, I don't feel that way. At 60 I feel it's a bit early (although of course there are so many that experience this much earlier) and also that it will likely shorten my life. None of my friends have had to deal with this personally, and all seem detached or upbeat on my condition. I feel like there's a onus to be positive, but I don't want to be. Which isn't really like me, normally I am supremely optimistic.
I hope it’s helped a little to see that there is another side to things and we are all unique and different in how we approach and deal with things. I much prefer to use words like dealing and coping.
I don’t want to feel like a victim, and for me the whole battling and fighting stuff implies that if you “lose the battle” you have somehow failed when in actual fact you haven’t-I feel it dismisses the importance of our life and who we are-which for me is not a person defined solely by my cancer. But those kinds of words are used so much in journalism etc that they are ingrained in us. I make a conscious effort to avoid using these phrases and I never use euphemisms like "the big c” etc. it’s just a word, and I don’t even give cancer a capital letter.
It was a couple of years ago when I was having surgery to have my gallbladder removed after already having had massive pelvic surgery that my doctor mentioned positivity affecting outcomes. He was a gastro doc, so this was new to me having been treated for cervical cancer. My medical file was huge(!) and the new doctor was quickly scanning through it. He told me I was “remarkable” for facing up to more surgery with a positive attitude after what I’d already been through, then said how much my attitude would help me going forward.
Was I scared? Of course I was-I’d been warned of the risks that more surgery might mean for me and my surgery ultimately took 4 times longer than normal because of the previous surgery. But I simply smiled at him and said that once again I was putting my trust in the experts and I am pleased to say I had an amazingly quick recovery which surprised the surgeon!
I am housebound due to being disabled so my world can feel small, but I can sit in the garden sometimes and listen to the birds-a simple thing which does boost my mood. I chat on the phone to my closest friend for hours, I try to keep busy and I don’t dwell on the negative because I know it won’t serve me well. I get down sometimes, like anyone else, I get frustrated by what I can no longer do, but I can still go on holiday and feel the sun on my face, I still spend more time laughing than crying and most important of all, I keep going.
Sarah xx
Good Morning Pineapple60
Right from the start of Hormone Therapy I had ED and loss of libido - then things settled down and it was about six months in the hot flushes started, I grew a fine paid of "moobs", I lost a lot of body hair and I had itchy skin. It took 18 months before the weight piled on and I have had fatigue throughout.
I completed 3 years on HT this December and to be honest the side effects have just been a little issue in my day to day life - my full journey is available by clicking on my user name or avatar.
I wish you well with your journey - happy to answer any questions.
Best wishes - Brian.
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