Things not to say to someone with cancer?

Hi,Yes stay positive and stay strong drove me mad.I didn’t have a good prognosis but thanks to the skill of my surgeon I’m still here.I tried to keep positive but did have some dark days especially when I was so ill before the operation.Recovering during the pandemic alone was also a bad time.I found so much help and support on these boards and that got me through it.I found it easier to cope by just trying to go with the flow of the varying emotions.I’m over 2 years on and feel much better emotionally.Best wishes Jane x

Hi Marmite Fan59

I was diagnosed with stage 4 bowel cancer in March after initially being diagnosed with stage 1 endometrial.  The latter was diagnosed after a CT scan.  I find everyone is telling me how well I look - if only!  I have been feeling down this week too after scan revealed mets on my liver have grown.  I am currently awaiting more chemo which I dread. 

I feel more positive reading all your messages online.  It's also difficult this time of year when the days are short and the weather is grim.  I have one ray of light which is my first grand child due at Christmas.  We must all pull together on this site. 

Bless you Angie. My grandson is nearly two and was born on Boxing Day 2019. Excited for you! 

Hi MarmiteFan59

This topic is a recurrent one on many threads. "Be strong; stay positive; you are looking well" are all the bland and well meant comments, but what is galling is how few are prepared to ask how you really are, and to listen to the response. THink most of us have over the years let things go over our head,  learn to smile and move on. But choosing people who are really there for you is important, whether that is friend, counsellor or support line.

BY the way, if anyone just wants a rant there is a forum group called "The Room" which you can vent in fully.

What a great post . It’s hard isn’t it because your friends are trying so hard not to say the wrong thing . Like others have said . I hate it when they say “ stay strong “ “ you will get through if you stay positive “ and the worse one is “ your a worrier “ . I’m not a worrier and I’m not brave but I had to go through the treatment, I had no choice . It was the hardest thing I ever had to do . I was scared most of the time and went to some very very dark places . Some days I would curl up into a ball and cry . I’ve had my first year scans now and all is clear . So people assume I can move on , live my life but how can you when you’ve been through so much . My new bowel habits certainly remind me daily what I’ve been through . Thanks for letting me vent , lots of love to you

I’ve had two stay strongs, one stay positive and one keep your chin up in the last 24 hours. I somehow think there’ll be something else still today lol 

It’s funny , I remember a few years ago I knew someone who was going through the cancer journey and I remember saying the same things . I would stumble over my words and feel awful so I get it . But now I’m on the other end of it I guess “ how are you?” Or “ it must be so hard” “ I can’t imagine what you’ve been through but here’s a hug “ . I’m not scared to talk about the “c” word to anyone anymore, 

sending a “ I understand “ hug XX

Thank you Marmite. Sending hugs. X

My neighbour told me I looked ghastly which was true,but having had cancer herself I thought she would be more diplomatic.Jane x

So I’m still gradually working through telling people and yesterday I got “oh no the dreaded disease” which didn’t particularly thrill me either, maybe because I’m not wanting to define myself as a victim. I’m not a fan of “I’m sorry” either but appreciate it’s a common reflex reaction to difficult news.