My parents and moving out

Hello , welcome to the community, the place nobody really wants to be tbh. Well done for saying all that. U will  find  lots of support here, from the various members.

May I suggest u copy n paste your post  in the Lung cancer group and also the Family and friends group? The first will help re your mum's illness, the second will support you. You might find the Carers only group useful too. 

Should u want to talk, ring the helpline on 0808 808 0000 8am to 8pm, 7 days a week. They may also be able to tell you if there's a Macmillan or Maggie's centre local to you, if u want to talk to someone face to face. They have info on financial support, eg any benefits your mum might be eligible for, attendance allowance.

Don't feel you're "dragging on". We're here to listen and other folk have been through the same sort of thing. 

As to the situation with your boyfriend, well, words fail me.

There's much I could say on a personal level, but not as a volunteer community champion.

Obviously you seem torn between your mum n boyfriend. Perhaps he wants u to choose?!

Have u seen your GP re your own anxiety?- you could need something short term to get u  over  this. 

How is your mum after her surgery? Did she have to have any follow up, eg radio or chemotherapy?  Or just monitoring via scans?

Do let us know how things go n also put a bit in your profile so you don't have to keep repeating yourself  x

I'm not sure to be honest. All I know is that say if I plan a weekend out, he moans that my parents may come. I feel like that he will make me choice, not on purpose but if he doesn't want to do something then he won't. So say if I want dinner at my parents one night if we moved out then I would have to choice between him or them. He hasn't said that but that's what I'm afraid off and that's how it sort of is now. I want both my parents and him in one life. Am I dreaming? Can't I have both?

Back when we first argued about moving out 2018, he promised we would go on a actually holiday before hand, then he changed his mind and blamed it all on me and mum. I've had a lot to deal with and it was an excuse, then when he mentioned about Japan a few months ago, I got my self so excited and it made me take my mind of everything but now he maybe going back on it and I don't want him to. And I can't tell him that.

" Controlling" is the word that comes to mind tbh

What me or him?

Him

Hi 

I hate to say this but it comes across that he is trying to make this all about him ?

You mentioned he wants you out, but as you have had 12 years together why now at what could be the worse time. If anything happened and you weren't there the guilt you feel would be terrible.

If you work do you have work colleagues you can chat or have a coffee with - or have you lost your friends over the last 12 years too ?

I may be reading this all wrong and he may be a great guy but there are people out there who gradually isolate you from friends and family especially when vulnerable. Then when you commit, you can't dress how you would like, can't go where you want when you want to, lose control of your cash and phone usage. So you become totally reliant on them for everything and now can't easily turn the clock back :-/

I hope I'm wrong but do try to read between the lines...

Hugs, G n' J

Thanks  

Yo've elaborated on what I said in Chat, where originally posted

He's not controlling at all, he just doesn't want to do stuff that doesn't suit him which we are all like that but there is a point. For example, weather you do or don't live at home, things like dinner, washing, tiding etc needs to be done. I'm always doing everything, when I ask for help, he says in a sec and it's 10 hrs later. He works 730-5 and gets in around 6 so I do give him a little credit as he works more hrs than me but all he does on weekends and evenings is play his Xbox. If I want to go out with him he says take your dad etc. Or a little while ago I said why don't we try golf, he said no as he won't like it. Both if us have never tried before so I thought it might be fun to try together. Other than watching movies and TV shows, I don't think we actually have anything in common anymore. He use to be this sweet helpful person who would literally do anything for anyone. If he had £20 to his name then he would spend it on you but now, I think the only thing he has brought me in the last yr is Xmas gifts and bdays. Nothing out of the blue or anything. When it comes to helping around the house, he says it's not his house so why should he and that if it was our own place then things would be different. What difference does that make??

My mum is doing better now but she also has copd which is a chronic lung disease and is only going to deteriorate at some point. I don't want to be somewhere and miss something, it was technically my fault mum ended up in hospital in the very first place as I took her to our doctor surgery as she was coughing all the time and had difficulty breathing while walking. They sent her for a blood test and x-rays and then that's where it all started. No one has said it's my fault but I feel guilty and I'm in pain over it.

I'm self employed and I help the elderly or the unable basically and yeah I can talk to them but it's nothing like a friend. I left school and we all just drifted basically. Me and my boyfriend had all most the same friends, that's how we met .

I'm also honestly worried that it I left him, will I spend the rest of my life alone? He has said things in the far past like who would want u or your so messed up etc so maybe those have stuck with me, I just don't know what to do anymore

Hi again ,.don't feel guilty because u took your mum to the doctor's. You should b glad you did!

Better to b alone n happy than with someone who makes u unhappy. You cannot rely on someone else to make u  happy,if it's on their terms.

Shall we switch to Lung cancer group, so that others eg  can join in the conversation?

That's fine. Thank you for your help