My parents and moving out

What he's doing absolutely fits the legal definition of controlling behaviour. 

Apart from being a 'partner' what does he do for you? He takes your time and your energy when you need to focus on you and your Mum. You say you don't have anything in common any more. This is because you have stepped up to the mark to support your parents. You're being an adult and he is not. And you sort of know this.

You are brave to post your feelings here and you are brave enough to make a difference if your life. You are unhappy at the moment, would you be more unhappy alone? You've got so much going for you. You are trying to energise the relationship by doing new things but he's not interested. He needs to demonstrate some more commitment to you.

I knew my partner was committed to me when I came home one night and he had done all my ironing. I hadn't asked but it was all there hanging up, beautifully pressed. It hadn't cost him anything apart from a little time but it showed me the strength of his commitment to our relationship. 

Who would want you? Someone who values your commitment to your parents and the people you work with. You don't do an easy job. And you're self-employed so you take huge responsibility for your working life. If you can't see that, I can. 

Please don't end up like a friend of mine. If her 'partner' couldn't get her on the phone immediately he would ring round her friends to ask where she was. He took her money and policed her emails - she kept telling us it was because he loved her so much. Which, of course, the excuse he'd used to her. Who would want her? Well, she's with a kind and generous man now who loves her to bits and has never rung me to check up on her. 

Hey there, 

I'm going to put across a different thought process here, and from looking at the other replies, probably an unpopular thought. It is a tough one as there is a lot going on and a lot of balls in the air.

But looking at it from an outsiders point of view, you're very worried about your Mum, and not very worried about your partner - and maybe he's feeling a bit pushed aside? You mention that he said he thought he might be depressed, but it was just as an aside. Did either of you explore his feelings and outlook, or look into what might be causing that? Is he getting any help or support from a medical professional or from you for it? Because the way you describe his actions, behaviours, and routine, it does sound like he could be depressed.

It's very easy that when someone gets cancer, all your focus switches on to them and you can forget about others in your life. You mention all the nice little things he used to do for you and doesn't anymore, are there any little, seemingly inconsequential, things you used to do for him that you don't anymore? 

The other thing is it's your parents and their house, you've a relationship with them that spans almost 30 years. He has a very different relationship with them, and it's also still their house. So what's coming out sounding like a bit of a spoilt child saying he won't help around the house because it's not his house, might come from a deeper place where he doesn't feel like it's his home where you and he are in charge and he can do what he likes, when he likes, because it's his and not his girlfriends parents house. I know that I'd not feel relaxed or at ease at a partners parents house, even after 12 years of a relationship.

Then, even though she's not his Mum, you've been together for 12 years so there will be some sort of a relationship there. So seeing her sick will be worrying and upsetting him too. However, gents aren't often taught how to express emotions and feelings, so they end up bottling things up until it spills out in unhealthy ways. 

So it comes down to you, and yes you do have a choice to make. Do you want to try and save the relationship or do you want to let it go? If you want to try and save it, you're going to have to sit down with him and have a proper talk, probably with a professional intermediary to help guide you both through a lot of complex emotions. And to be honest, just from what you've said here, I have a feeling it is very much going to come down to moving out to save your relationship and help his mental health, or breaking up and staying at home with your parents. 

Myself, I think I would move out. Your Mum looked after herself before you existed, you'd only be moving down the road, and as you call it your parents house then I'm guessing your Dad is still around to watch over her should she need it? So in no way would you be abandoning your Mum if you were to move out, you'd just be living your life and visiting her at least once a week. And I know that my Mum would be devastated if she thought I had broken up a relationship or put my life on hold because of her.

Just some food for thought and a different perspective on things. 

And buttercup01 anyone can join in in the chat forum, and it's more likely to be seen by a variety of people than it would in the lung forum. Dreamthief (HELLO!) has replied here a few times in the thread and is joining in quite successfully in the chat forum. Lol

Lass

Xx

One liner but v relevant I think......make sure you look after your self otherwise you will not be able to look after anyone.

Sounds like you have too much going on here. Talk to Dad and MacMillan nurse(phone)

Best

Thanks so much Lass, for putting another viewpoint and also saying more ppl can join in if it's in Chat. So leave it where it is please .

For some reason I can't tag you Lass, so hope you see this x

Hi thanks for your thoughts and it all has been in my head too, why isn't he doing this or why is he doing this etc etc, it's always running in my head. When he told me he think he's depressed it was roughly a day or 2 after my mum went into hospital the first time. We talked loads about why he feels like that etc and he also went to the doctors for tablets which he never took. Around 3-4 months later with no change in life style or again no tablets he isn't depressed anymore. I've been around people who has depression and yes I know different people shows it in different ways etc but his whole attitude and how quickly it was over doesn't seem right to me. Yeah he may of been going through something that wasn't depression but similar to it and I was there for him to reasuring him, trying to give him room and not keep on at him, was hugging him when he needed it etc like I always do. Whenever we argue and he makes me cry and then he may do I always suck up how he made me feel no matter how angry I am I'm always there to hug him an reassure him. 

No matter whether he still doesn't see this place as his he still use to help with chores and now he doesn't at all. Just because it's not officially his does that mean it's ok for him to let me do all his washing, all his cooking, all his food shopping etc etc and everything else? Am I in the wrong thinking it's only fair to split the chores? 

My dad is still around and able but he also suffers from epilepsy which is triggered by stress. I maybe nearly 30 but as I've stated already, I never had my parents growing up as the attention was on my brother, the golden boy but since he left, I actually have a family. Its not been 30 years at all. 

My boyfriend grew up with 3 sisters and a mum and a dad who was only there just because he was his dad and nothing more, just out of responsibility. His mum worked 2 jobs, his 2 older sisters use to run around after him and he had everything handed to him regardless if his mum could actually afford something or was around, he still had. He was spoilt.

Even now, whatever he wants he gets, regardless of bills or anything else, he uses his credit card but then complains about buying me flowers for example. He has no savings at all even though he says he wants a future with me. 

I'm not a saint, I have my own flaws, I'm to tidy, to aware of hygiene, I'm short tempered but my good qualities are being to kind and caring. Everyone says in too nice, no matter how many times I get hurt by him or anyone else I never ever learn my lessons. 

I'm not trying to make his sound like a a-hole but that is honestly how he is now. 

Hi , Am off to bed now. I hope u get a decent night's sleep after all this offloading.

Sue xx

Morning 

"He has said things in the far past like who would want u or your so messed up etc "

How on earth can someone actually say that to a person they are supposed to be in love with 

That comment must have done wonders for your self esteem. Rather than believe him, you should have proved him wrong.

I would say it looks very much like you have grown up and mentally matured into a thoughtful, caring young woman and he is still that spoilt 17 year old who expects everything to be done for him, and is in desperate need of a reality check.

Sorry to read about your mums copd that must be a bit of a worry with winter round the corner. Suppose she has had her flu and pneumonia jab but has she got a copd 'rescue pack' of anti-biotics and steroids in case she needs them at some time ?  As it can take while to get these from a gp should she need them for a copd flare up.

When I got my first job my dad said to me -  If you don't lay down, you can't get walked over. Please don't be this blokes doormat; you are far better than that. You are doing a worthwhile but demanding job both at work and at home so give yourself some credit and do something nice for youself for a change.... because you are worth it!

Hugs, G n' J

Good Morning ,

It certainly sounds to me that you have come to a turning point in your life and you want to make some decisions and work out what direction you are going in.  I find it useful to break things down a bit when I find myself in this situation.

My parents loved me and cared for me but saw a major part of their role in my life was to prepare me to be able to go off and make a life of their own.  I appreciate that your mum is ill and your dad struggles at times as well but have you thought about how much easier they might find it if you were not there?  That is not to say that they don't love having you there but when they got together there was just the two of them and they built a relationship based on that.  I'm also sure that If my child's partner didn't contribute to the care of the home but lived there playing on the play station I would not be best pleased.    I'm not sure what your parents financial situation is or how much you and your boyfriend contribute but has your mum been in touch with Macmillan to see what she might be entitled to.  If she or your Dad need it they can also offer emotional support.

If you do move out you are not abandoning your parents as you can easily stay in the locality and can even stay over at their home on occasion if they need you to.  You do not lose your parents when you move out but the relationship develops differently.  It may even be nicer as they would know that you are doing things because you want to and not just because you are there.

You say that your boyfriend has no savings and you have no joint savings but he talks about renting somewhere and going to Japan on holiday.  I'm not sure how he thinks he is going to achieve this if he has not saved any money since he first raised the subject.  Perhaps you have achieved some savings and he hopes that you will use these?

I appreciate that you do not believe that he is controlling and to be honest it is difficult without knowing more to really suggest one way or another although his statement about who would want you is very offensive even if it was a throw away comment during an argument and I would have expected an apology after an insult like that..  What I would say is that questions like this are more easily answered if you have more support.  You have tried to get him to do things with you but if he is not interested then why not try doing them yourself.  It would give you a bit of space but also the opportunity to make more friends who can offer a different perspective and support to you.  I know that golf can be expensive but can also be quite accessible through municipal golf courses.  I understand that if you contact the course they are quite often happy to offer assistance in finding a golf partner who can offer some assistance until you know the basics and then find others of a similar level if you want to be a bit more competitive.  Golf is almost unique in that you play to beat your best score more than playing to beat your golf partner.  If you suggested this because you thought he might be interested then try something that you might prefer, craft groups, choirs, night classes there are lots of options out there.  If he decides to join you then that could be nice.  If he objects to this them I would count that as trying to isolate you

I appreciate what Lass has suggested about your boyfriend and it might be good to encourage him to go back to his GP or talk to others.  If he does not want to take medication then he should be clear about this to his GP.  Antidepressants take some time to kick in but only work if you take them for a period of time.  If he is not happy to do this then the GP may suggest a talking therapy such as Cognitive Behavioural Therapy or CBT.

What would be really important to anyone who loves you is that you look after yourself at all times but especially now that there is so much going on in your relationships.  Make sure that you do take time for yourself, make sure that you do things that you want to do and try to get out and develop a support network of friends.  Why not try getting back in touch with some of your old friends and see what they are up to nowadays, perhaps they might like to meet up again and of course you are welcome to keep posting here.

Love and hugs,

Gragon x

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