4.30 am - Sleepless in Slough

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Hi All

Having one of those nights where you just cant shut this diagnosis away and sleep... I am new to this group but have been lurking on the boards for the last 2 months, this is actually the first time i have had the courage to post 

At 3.30 in the morning i finally gave up trying to sleep and came down stairs to do some work to try and pass the night away. I found myself here looking on the forum, i sit here with grade 3 ER neg, Her2 positive invasive breast cancer diagnosed the day after my 45th birthday.

I had a lumpectomy with some lymph nodes removed on 25th Jan which i have recovered from really well from but i had the call yesterday to say my results are in and i have an appointment on Friday morning to discuss. I know i have to have radiotherapy and have been told chemo is highly likely but that is all i know as my consultant did not want to speculate and it is up to the MDT. The need to know what is coming next is a little torturous and i have that nervous feeling in the pit of my stomach. 

Now is it just me or does this diagnosis keep giving you a huge slap in the face every now again with the realisation you have cancer? I kinda think OK i'm getting my head round this and sometimes i even forget!! then all of a sudden i am back to square one emotionally,so for me this is such a mental battle.

Keep telling myself tomorrow is another day and even though i cannot control my situation i can control how i respond to it and at the moment it seems that is to not sleep. Looks like work will be getting some free overtime tonight lol.

Sleep Well Guys

Dannielle #Sleeplessinslough

  • Hi Dannielle, just wanted to stop by and say hello!  I hope you did manage to get at least some sleep in the end?  I was diagnosed at the age of 46 with triple negative breast cancer in November 2019 and have come through chemo, surgery and rads.  It's a long road, often lonely despite the support of family and friends but please know that you are at the most frightening stage of your treatment journey at the moment.  Once you know what the plan is you will get your strength back to continue.  I have been learning mindfulness techniques during the last year to help me cope and you comment about accepting you cannot control a situation but how you respond to it really resonates with me.  Don't get me wrong, it's not easy and I still have difficult days but I do try to take each day as it comes and am much more grateful for the simple things in life.  Chemo was hard but totally doable. Hopefully you will be able to rest up a little, do some gentle exercise - walking really helped me with managing fatigue and drink lots of water to flush the chemo out.  Wishing you the very best with your treatment and here if you ever need a chat!  I'm an insomniac too so often on in the early hours! x

  • Hi 

    Thank you for your response, today is a different day and its so reassuring to have someone who knows exactly what you thinking and feeling. I've just had a letter for an oncology appointment so i believe chemo is also on the cards, but at least i know now. 

    sending my love and I may catch you in the early hours


  • FormerMember

    Hi Sleepless in Slough, I'm sorry but am quite relieved to find someone else that is as sleepless as me. I have been struggling for months now, when I finally do go to sleep I slip into really vivid dreams and wake up sharply only to find I was asleep for about 15 minutes and then wide awake again! I was suggested Phenergen by a mental health worker, saying to take it for three nights and then have a couple of nights break, and repeat as necessary, obviously I am not suggesting it to you as I do not know your background or any other medications you are on. But sleep is so important that it would be worth you asking your doctor about it as things always seem so much worse when you have had little sleep. I said that I feel bad about talking to the Doctor about it right now as it does not feel important with everything else they are having to deal with. When I was told I had invasive Breast Cancer, I just sat there and said nothing, no tears no nothing and the oncologist and nurse had to keep stopping to ask if I was OK, I think we all respond differently and that's OK, we each know how we deal with things. It is very hard to stop those thoughts from running away with you. I have often felt that slap in the face though, when your doing something quite ordinary and all of a sudden it's like I have Cancer!! The hardest part for me was telling my 23 year old daughter, who is actually still in denial about the whole thing and doesn't like to talk about it - to me anyway - But she is under strict instructions not to put it on social media - 

    You would have now had your appointment, so know what to expect going forward some more. There always seem to be some new decision to make!

    Take Care K

  • hi kermit

    apologies for the late response it has taken a few days to get my head round it all tbh.

    I did speak to my gp some weeks ago and i was prescribed anti depressants and sleeping tablets after a 2 min phone consultation, i decided that that wasn't for me at that point and didn't pick up the script for it. whether that was the right or wrong decision i still have no idea, i think i just wanted someone to listen to me and advise from a professional point of view but she didn't seem to have the time. 

    I have had my results and i was desperately trying to avoid chemo but unfortunately i am starting my first cycle on the 11th, wondering if you ever come to terms with the treatment, i know i need it but i really dont want it!!!

    I will go ahead and have it, probably as reluctantly as others on here have done too and hopefully move forward. I have a life to live and im desperate to live it, as much as covid will allow.

    I also have children 24, 21, 12, 10 & 2 years old... yes i have been busy lol... my elder children have both taken it the hardest. My 24 year old doesn't really want to talk about it and my 21 year old wants to know everything she can. Very tough to navigate their feelings and i am just going with the flow and not forcing anything. No idea if that is the right approach but no one knows a child like their mother and i would trust your instincts they are always coming from the right place.

    i hope your staying well and sending love


  • Hi Danielle 

    I read your post and understand what you are going through. I too live in Slough and I was diagnosed with breast cancer in Aug 2019 at the age of 47. I have now finished my treatments had my last surgery last Oct and now on hormone therapy for 10 years. I use to go through the sleepless nights as my mind was working over time especially with waiting for results and the unknown of what to expect. It’s a journey in life that you hope no one else has to go through but the sad truth is BC is really common and you start to learn that a lot of people you know have been through it. Your emotions will play havoc with you and you bury them and start to take control back of your life but it never leaves you. I had a scare back in Feb felt a lump and it all came flooding back, the fear, tears and oh not again but thankfully after a ultrasound scan and a appointment with my surgeon I was assured that it was scar tissue and to keep massaging to break down the scar tissue.

     I just wanted to send you a virtual hug and tell you that you are not alone on this dreadful journey. Wishing you a speedy recovery and lots of sleep soon.

    love Netty xxxx