New to this group- Just looking for support from people who knows how this all feels!

Hi Jo

I’ve been fighting secondary breast cancer since 2018 - diagnosis details in my profile - after reading your post it really resonated with me as we’re around the same age (I’ll be 38 in Dec), single, have no kids either, also lost friends which really does hurt, feel misunderstood by my family... so I know exactly what an emotional rut feels like! It is extremely hard, this cancer journey, and I am so sorry to hear how tough you’ve had it already. Life doesn’t cut you a break does it? But I wanted to let you know that you’re not alone in how you feel - right now I can’t sleep because my sister and I are not talking at the moment and I keep re-running our argument through my head and also, just two days in to my week break from the very first cycle of my new treatment, I’m feeling slight pain/discomfort in my side (where my liver is) which is scaring me and causing me to think all kinds of things... Shall I give you the “it gets better” speech? You’ve already been through enough to know the answer to that. But I will say that just when you think you have nothing left you do have one thing - the love you have for yourself and the love you have for life. You should already be amazed at how strong you are xx

Shelley

Hi Shelley- thanks for your reply. Gosh you’ve been through a lot too! It can’t be easy going through all those treatments but you are still fighting and you too should be amazed at how strong you are! I hope you can mend things with your sister- obvs I don’t know what the argument was about but is it worth meeting up socially distanced and talking through? I have a sister and I’d be lost without her- I need her. We do fight don’t get me wrong especially when I’m so sort tempered just now- I always seem to be angry and snappy and I hate it- I’ve really tried not to be but I feel like I can’t help it and living back at home with my 73 year old dad isn’t helping as I don’t have my own space! I think the drugs and the lack of hormones and menopausal symptoms really aren’t helping either but it is very hard for them to understand especially when I ‘look normal’. Everyone always tells me I look well, which I hate and I know they mean well so I smile and agree- friends video call or some family will visit from a distance and I think they expect to ‘see cancer’ like the ladies on tv ads etc and expect me to look very unwell, and when they don’t see that then they are happy that I can’t be that bad and they are almost satisfied and then I don’t hear from them for ages and I’m left again on my own thinking about everything and dealing with the side effects that people don’t see! It’s horrible! There’s certainly not enough out there about secondary cancer! I’ve had trouble sleeping too- it depends when my appointments and scans are and what I see on tv sometimes or what people say can hit a nerve and make the worry flood all back again! Literally slaps me up the face! Would you consider talking to your sister as it will play on your mind and will help you relax a little and sleep better? I use an app called Calm- has sleep stories and music and meditations etc in it? I pay a yearly subscription for it. Not sure if that would help or not? I know any ache or pain can make us worry- I’ve been there too with an ache around my liver and it was an anxious wait to get it scanned and then for results. Are you getting it looked at soon? I hope it’s nothing and the drugs are working for you- I will keep everything crossed for you! Keep me posted on everything if you’d like and I’m here too to listen or to chat about anything! No one really knows what we go through and what thoughts are running through our heads and often the people we are closest too get the brunt of our feelings because I know I am very angry and I just don’t know how to channel it- I know I’ve given my dad and sister a hard time which upsets me and then I feel like I’m constantly having to make it up to them. It’s exhausting but I just can’t control my emotions just now. I feel like a different person! I know how hard it is and I feel very alone a lot of the time! Hope things go well for you over next wee while. Jo xx