Hello everyone,
This is the first time that I have posted but just wanted to know if anyone else associates with how I am feeling.
I was diagnosed with grade 1 breast cancer on 1st March, I was 45. Initially I was shocked and had a few tears but when my cancer nurse explained everything to me, I felt calmer.
I took a positive approach telling myself that I was extremely lucky that I had caught it early but actually, part of me felt guilty that there were (and are) people who were in a much worse place than I was and I didn’t have the right to feel sorry for myself.
I named the cancer ‘Bob’ and spoke openly about how I was not going to let him ruin my life and would be throwing a huge leaving party for Bob once he had gone.
I had surgery on March 28th, a lumpectomy with a flap reconstruction. The wound itself is bigger than I expected and although I know when it has healed it will barely be noticeable, I was shocked when I first saw it.
i’ve been emotional although i’m trying not to do it in front of anyone. It’s hard to explain that I’m struggling more now than I did when I got my initial diagnosis but my theory is that I can now see the damage that Bob has done whereas before, I couldn’t.
And then I have feelings of isolation. I was inundated with well wishes within 48 hours of my surgery, now I feel that no one really cares anymore. This then makes me feel guilty for ‘feeling sorry for myself’.
I still have this overwhelming feeling of guilt because I didn’t have a ‘serious’case of cancer.
This feelings are something that I did not anticipate and I feel like I am being irrational but don’t know who to talk to that might have felt the same way.
Apologies for this garbled emotional outburst, i’m guessing this is part of ‘the journey’
I have read a few posts and am in awe of the amazing people that are fighting this battle too. And because of this I nearly didn’t post but I am driving myself crackers wondering if I am in fact being selfish or if this is normal.
I would be grateful of any advice
Sarah
Hello
Welcome to the Macmillan site (although equally, it's with a caveat that I'm sorry that you have come here due to having cancer).
I'm not an under 50 as I was 51 when I was diagnosed, but I don't think age has any bearing on emotions in relation to having cancer - and in answer to your post you are being absolutely and totally normal. I actually relate to your feelings pretty well as I was stage 1 and feel so, so much for the ladies who've had to endure much more (including chemotherapy) and feel that I 'got away with it lightly'.
Mine was June 2017 and I had lumpectomy. The only times I felt 'shocked' by it all was when the surgeon said "we'll have a look and see if your breast is big enough to save your breast (1.5cm IDC and 54mm of 2 areas of DCIS) Phew! it was ok. And then when I spoke to a different surgeon who was doing the operation on the day who said "you'll end up with a dent". Other than that, I was fine - went back to work 2 days after the op. and went to radio after work and no bad side effects. So, that was it - no hassle!
Even now I know I was exceptionally lucky that it was just a case of cut it out, radiotherapy and tablets and thank goodness I had been called for a mammogram. I 'got over it all' extremely easily physically but the emotional side does sometimes jump up and bite you. Every now and again when I look in the mirror and see the 5cm scar (which is still red) and the big dent - it hurts me emotionally. I look around at other people who are living extremely unhealthily - drinking alcohol all the time, eating rubbish, overweight, no exercise etc etc and think 'how come they get away with it and I end up with my best feature looking awful? " (I was often complimented on my 'fantastic figure' as I had a slim waist and 38D boobs which were nice and pert too at my age!) Now the tablets mean I am putting weight on around my middle despite doing more exercise and my 'fab figure' is gone. So, look at this way - you are starting a process of grieving for the previous 'you'.
You were happy and easy, going about your business and no thought for your demise. Suddenly you are faced with a life threatening illness (and although we were stage 1 - it still is a fact) and the femininity of your body has been cut about to remind you every day of that.
After I had had my treatment (finished October) a friend died within a month of being diagnosed with liver cancer and I felt guilty that I had had such lovely support from the same group of friends to which she also belonged and then - bang she's not in that group. One of these friends even offered to drive me daily to radiotherapy which would have been a round trip of over 80 miles for her! But because this other friend was diagnosed and died so quickly I didn't even get over to see her in the hospice - she was rushed in over the weekend and I heard on Monday, so I'd planned to visit her on the Tuesday. On Monday afternoon she died. So, there's me thinking how can I feel sorry for myself and my 'measly scars' when my friend didn't even have the opportunity to have treatment.
But, I now know that actually it's alright to feel upset about what I've lost and why the heck shouldn't I?
Once you've had the op. and had the treatment, that's it 'done' in other people's minds, so they won't bother mentioning it again and your support network of love and concern has dropped off, but your annual mammogram (and if on tablets for the next 5 years) aren't 'done' - you do learn to accept that you are a different person - but you have to understand that this is what is happening to give you the time to get used to being that different person even if no-one else realises that you are! March is VERY early days for you, so your emotions are understandably up and down like a yo-yo at the moment and don't worry if they continue like this for a while to come.
I tried to get something positive from mine and decided to say 'yes' to new opportunities as they arise and I took on a new opportunity in October '18 which I wouldn't have done previously and it's one of the best decisions I've ever made. I think it helps me to think that although I've had cancer, my body doesn't look as good - but I'm doing something now that if it hadn't happened I know 100% that I would not have accepted the new opportunity. I also know that it's made me much more patient and not so intense about the fact that I have to do so much etc. So, the new 'me' has the negatives, but it also has the positive changes. So, that's what I'd suggest for you to try and achieve over the coming years and realise that you really are in the very early stages and from diagnosis you haven't really had much of an opportunity to think about things as you've been on the conveyor belt of treatment and it's only when you get off this conveyor belt that you have got the chance to deal with the emotional effects of it.
I see you haven't joined the main breast cancer group and although you're in this under 50's group - the main one is much busier and perhaps you might like to join this one too? Just click the green link.
Don't be hard on yourself and just take each day as it comes - what you feel is what you feel and there is never a right or wrong to what you are feeling.
Kindest wishes,
Hi Sarah,
the other ladies have already given given you some great advice so I probably don’t have anything else or add except it’s all relative. No one wants to hear this diagnosis works no matter what stage they’re at.
You’ve caught it early and that’s the main thing so fab news! We’re all here to support you emotionally do do keep posting and reach out to us if any of us can help. We’re a good bunch 
x
