My husband died in my arms on the 2nd May (2009) - what happens now?

Sarah

Don't be afraid of 'butting in', if reading this thread can be of help  then that is a good thing.

Be strong and take each day as they come.  Baby steps........

Love

Pam xx

hello guys

I hope that you are all getting through your weekends ok.

Rosemary I hope things are as peaceful as possible for your FIL. I hope you managed yesterday ok.

Manda i hope your mum improves soon, and all those others with sick relatives are finding some comfort. Big hugs.

Patricia, this maybe a happy time but of course you are also feeling the loss of Ray so much. This is something you always thought you would do together. As I am learning two conflicting emotions are possible to feel at the same time about the same thing. It is a strange world we find ourselves in. The sorrow you feel that Ray is not there will at least temporarily disappear when you look in those babies eyes, another little bit of him carrying on. Hope I didn't make you cry.

Pam you are right, findng things to 'pass the time' seems to be all we can do. I don't like that because I know Mark like all your lovely men wanted me to live and that is not what this feels like. I feel I should be doing amazing things and living life to the full because he could not, and you never know what is round the corner, but I have accepted that at least for now passing the time will have to do. I tell myself at least I am still passing the time, sadly I have in my line of work seen people who do give up. If keep putting one foot (or flipper) in front of another I'll get there one day. Anyway I am trying very hard to turn my thoughts around, not another day without him, but a day closer to being with him again. I think that is more possitive??  Not ment to be morbid. Just my cousin said something interesting the other day (she lost her 18year old daughter 7 years ago), 'don't think of yourself as a human having a spiritual experiance, you are a spirit having a human experiance', or words to that effect.

I went to a friends house for sunday lunch today, i took the pud. It was nice to be with friends and their children. Makes it hard to be too down. but it is in those quiet moments, even if they are just a minuet or two, when they have all left the room, it all feels a bit sureal and absurd that it could be so 'normal'. They are lovely friends but try as they might they will never understand, i wouldn't want them to, because the only real way to know is to have gone through it. I did however feel i ought to make my excuses and leave when we were having coffee and my friend told me about how my other friend (her husband) talked in his sleep, and occationally lashed out, an intemacy I can no longer have. Not sexual or romantic but one of those couple type things, I had to leave. comming home allone is always hard. I nice day and I can't tell him about it. I should stop this now i am bringing myself down, sometimes you can think about things too much.

Anyway, I hope you are all swimming as much as you can, or huddling together gathering strenght for the next leg. Balieys all round.

Becky 

Becky, I thought about what you wrote and it has made me feel more positive.  I was just thinking that finding things to pass time was not good, but now I think I realise that, at this moment in time, finding things to pass the time is all I can do.  It is the next part of this grieving process. Until I have the strength to be able to look to the future then spending time finding ways to pass time is as positive as it will get.  One day I will be able to move on, but not yet, probably not in the near future, but one day.  And I know you are the same.  We are devistated at what life has thrown at us, and it has knocked us for six.  We loved our partners too much to be able to just get on with life.  But we know that one day we will reach that moment when this will be possible.  We will always miss our lovely men, but I have been assured it will get easier and I firmly believe this.  I know there are days when I find that impossible to believe, but I also know there are days when I know it will be true.  we have to take just each day as it comes, reach out for the better days and just  find ways to 'pass time' on the bad days. I hope this makes some sort of sense and that I am not just waffling.  And that is before I have had a drink.

I also know what you mean about being in mixed company.  It is OK for a while, but then something happens that brings you to a stop and you realise that you can no longer join in the 'happy couple' routine. Tthat is just something that will never change.  But I am sure we will be able to feel more comfortable with it one day.

Well that is all my thoughts for one day, boy it is tiring.  I will just wish all you lovely penguins as good an evening as you can have.  My thoughts are with the troubled penguins (that probably covers all of us in different ways I suppose) And hope you can wiggle into the middle of our huddle and feel the love and care that this thread brings.

Good evening all my lovely cyberfriends, and here is hoping that after Liverpool a lot of you will be friends I have seen.  That will be good.

Love and (((((((((((hugs)))))))))))))))

Pam xx

Evening everyone.  I am just catching up on here in the adverts for Dancing on Ice.  Becky I have to say you have me thinking as well as Pam this evening.  I like your cousin's thoughts that we are all spirits having a human experience.  It made me think - feels a little less like I lost Chris and more like he just went on ahead of me.  Like you I don't mean that in a morbid way but it feels less shocking.  I have had a lot longer than you to try to get used to this different life.  I have some very good friends who keep an eye on me and often invite me for Sunday lunch.  I used to find it very difficult to be with them as a couple, especially a couple who both knew Chris very well (probably better than they knew me).  To give you some hope I find it much easier now to be with them and don't so often notice their 'couple' conversations anymore.  I still occassionally, suddenly find myself missing the day to day banter with Chris purely because I am aware of my friends closeness but it hurts less frequently than it used to.

Pam I am glad you enjoyed your evening at the club.  I sorted one more bit of my Liverpool trip out yesterday - my Dad is giving me a lift to the train on the Friday.  Not long now!

Gayle good luck with the business venture.  You have enough determination to do it so go for it.  Good luck with the studying and qualifications as well.  I need to knuckle down on that front as well.  I am suppose to be studying for a qualification for my line of work as well.  I am making a right meal of concentrating and doing the work.  I am hoping that now that Chris's birthday is passed and I feel a lot more positive than I did a week ago I should be able to do it now.  There is no excuse.  Just like you with Wully's jumper I still curl round Chris's fleecy blanket every night in bed.  Mostly I just cuddle it but on bad days I cry into it - it is still lovely to have it.  I can wrap it round me for a cuddle!!

Sarah please feel free to join in with us whenever you want.  I am so sorry to read that you lost your Mum.  We all support each other here and there are always plenty of hugs to go around.

Patricia I hope you got to see that little grand-daughter of yours today.  There is nothing I can say to help with how you feel about Ray not getting the chance to meet her with you.  I know you have enough love to give her for both of you and I am thinking of you in these early days of being a new Grandparent.  Is there any news on when they might be getting home yet?

I have had a decent weekend myself - I had all 3 kids, 2 of their partners and my grandson round last night for the first bit of my resolution to use the house more for family get-togethers.  We had been avoiding to many gatherings in my house because of the gap Chris left but that is not what he would have wanted - he loved us all being together in this house.  We had a few drinks, a few cocktails for fun and a chinese takeaway.  Today I have spent a lot of time doing the finishing bits on the new downstairs loo.  I had a sneaking feeling I was going to hear about the round window this weekend and sure enough I got a text from the lovely lady who has designed and made the window.  The plan is for it to be fitted tomorrow evening.  I am sure there will be tears but I will take some piccies and put them on FB once the wondow is in place.

Rosemary I hope you are back on line soon!

Right, that's me.  I hope everyone has a good week.  I am up at 5 everyday as it is an early week lol!!  Take care everyone.  Ailsa xxx

Rosemary - sending you & your family lots & lots of love ((((hugs)))).  Ailsa xxxxxx

Rosemary, lots of love and hugs for you and your family. xx

Dear Rosemary

I'm so sorry to hear your news about father in law...........

At peace - without pain

Comforting (((hugs))) for you all

Dot xxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Rosemary, I am so sorry to hear your sad news.  It sounds like it was very peaceful and surrounded by family.  I hope you are doing okay and my thoughts are with you and the family.

Gayle xxxx

Rosemary, I am so sorry to hear that your father in law has passed away. (((((((special angel hugs))))))) to you and all the family at this most difficult time. My thoughts and prayers are yours this night.  Move over on that ledge I need to surround you with my 'flippers' and give you a huge comforting hug x x x

Love and angel hugs x x x Patricia x x x