My husband died in my arms on the 2nd May (2009) - what happens now?

Evening everyone,

So sorry you can't make our meet Lynda as I said but I am sure we will have plenty more and you will hopefully make them.  It would be lovely to meet you too.  I hate long haul too but it will be so exciting going to China.  Have you been before?  Very quiet on here the past few days which hopefully is a good sign!!  Lynne, hope your dad is okay.  Its such a worry for you and your sis's.  Hope the weather holds out for your camping too!  I think it is to be mixed here but thats nothing new!  Helen, hope you have a lovely time in Blackpool - are you away tomorrow?  Ailsa, will be heading back now I think.  I hope you had a nice time in Scotland.  Patricia - sending you hugs xxx  Rosemary, hope the "kids" are treating you better and you are doing okay.  Fiona, hope you are well and have something nice planned for the weekend.  Hope Auntie Judes is doing okay and not missing the pooches too much now they are in "storage" lol. 

I'm just trying to keep myself busy.  Had a few pining moments for Wully again today.  I was standing at the school looking at the other mums and thinking why are they so special that they get to go to their nice happy homes with their husbands and we don't?  Sorry - horrible thing to think/type - why shouldn't they have nice lives just because we have difficult ones but just had a bit of a toddler tantrum.  I think its this packing business too (which I keep putting off).  Decided to start on my room tonight and of course start uncovering old cards and diaries and pictures from happier days and times.  I miss him so much and would give anything just to spend 1 more hour with him.  Silly wish as I know obviously it can't happen but hard all the same.  Anyway, I must keep busy.  Move house in just a few weeks time so started the mad organisation now and phoning BT, etc.  I am getting there - honest!!!   I am going out tomorrow night with the girls to celebrate my birthday although not anywhere exciting (just the local pubs) but I am sure it will be a good laugh and will have the obligatory sore head on Saturday. 

Well I am off to bed.  I have managed 8.5hrs the last three nights which has been bliss although I think I am now going the other way as I even went back to bed this morning after dropping off the kids for an hour.  Think I am going into hibernation now that it is getting colder.  A lot of this time last year I suppose due to the change in seasons.  I was the same when summer hit and the grass was being cut, etc but it passed so hopefully this mood change will pass soon too.

Sending you all lots of love and penguin hugs (especially Manda and lesley as this is a difficult month coming up).

Gayle xxx

Hi everyone.  I've just been trying to catch up from the time I set off for Bute.  I hope you are all okay.  Gayle it was great to see you at the weekend and I hope you are doing okay today.  It is not surprising you are pining for Wully right now with the move coming up so soon.  It is no fun doing things on our own and even if everyone else we know helps it still rubs our noses in the fact that the person who we should have there is not there.  We are here for you though so you know where to come when you need to have a toddler tantrum.  The letters and photos can't be avoided either when you pack.  It is torture to look at things and read things but I still do it.  I think it is the right thing to do as I have heard Patricia say so many times that the crying really shouldn't be kept in as we will get unwell that way.  Take care of yourself and only do as much as you can at a time.  It sounds like you have it all well planned anyway.  Well done on the sleeping thing.  I am sure you are right that once you find you can sleep a little more you find you need even more.  I know I am exhausted and if I started to relax I would sleep most of the day for weeks.  I have every intention of giving into it and hibernating through most of the winter.  If winter has to come round it might as well serve a purpose.

I have posted some photos from my meeting with the gilrs at the weekend on POA.  Although I notice that Gayle cleverly tricked us all into forgetting to take photos when we were with her!  I got across to Bute okay on the MOnday.  The rain was very heavy but there was no wind.  Tuesday was every kind of weather but it included lots of sun so I got a much better view on the ferry back to the mainland.  Loch Lomond was similarly sunny on Wednesday so I had a lovely walk around the village with my Aunt and we had a good catch-up.  Then on Wednesday I went out for a lovely meal and lots more catching up with my God-Father in Kilmarnoch.  I had to make a detour to come home on Thursday as the Pope had unfortunately decide to use my mtorway as a coachpark but then I suppose his need was greater than mine!.  I went on a lovely A road instead towards Dumfries and saw some beautiful views so I really can't complain.  It is nice to be home but I am quite tired so I am having a bit of a catch up day before I get on with the garage tomorrow.  Has anyone got exciting things planned for the weekend?  Is it this weekend that you go to Blackpool Helen?  I am going to the Theatre on Saturday evening but otherwise I need to work on the garage.

I will read some more posts and then pop on a little later but before I go - welcome Gayle (Forbes).  You will find some wonderful support on here and opportunities to meet up as well when you are ready.  I hope you are okay, I will watch out for you posting in the future.

I will be on again a little later - take care everyone.  Ailsa xxx

have a good weekend, friends 

Sue xx

Have a good time in China Lynda, long way to go to babysit but worth every minute and mile I'm sure, take care and know that you carry a big penguin hug with you always! ss

Welcome Gayle F, ditto all the others have said and look forward to getting to know you more xx

Hello "Baby" Gayle :-)) hope the wobbles are easing a bit for you, will be thinking of you lots and sending super strength to help you through the packing and the moving.  Totally understand the toddler tantrum and have thought similar myself but then also tried to remind myself that actually we don't really know what is behind all the smiling faces and the seemingly happy people sometimes they are also going through difficult and lonely times.  SO looking forward to meeting you now though - I can confirm my booking for London!  Booked the boys into "storage" today and have spoken to sister-in-law and she said "go for it" and laughed at me for worrying about leaving them for the weekend (well not really that is it) and hopefully if all is still settled I will make it to Glasgow too - that is going to be trickier as I must book the flights soon I think but don't want to tempt fate if you know what I mean.  Anyway London here I come!  (Must get some new pj's)

Sue I love the penguin party pic, but is it really odd of me to want to eat them?  How is your foot now?  Will you be able to make it to London to hobble with the best of us?  I thought maybe we could all get down to Buckingham Palace to have a royal photo at the gates - would that tempt you?

Ailsa, big squishy hug (you know what for) glad you enjoyed your break and looking forward to seeing you soon to catch up again.  Loved the photo's and thought you and Teri looked like you could be sisters!

Father in law now has his epidural in place (have I told you this, yes I think I did cos Gayle mentioned it, sorry repeating myself) they had it in his side which was awkward for administering the stuff but today moved it onto his shoulder which is much better apparently and he is getting some relief from it although I think he was hoping for better as he feels it is only helping for about an hour, but then maybe it needs to build up a bit as it is only 5 days.  He did managed to sit for 5 minutes in a chair (couldn't do that at all before as the pain was too bad) and also walked up and down the landing a bit, he is now so weak from lying in bed he needs to build up again.  I took mother-in-law out for Afternoon Tea yesterday to give her a break and we had a lovely time - yummy scrummy tea with lovely finger sandwiches, warm, homemade scones with cream, jam and strawberries and a beautiful little cupcake each as well as two pots of tea!  She thoroughly enjoyed herself and we had lots of time to talk about the wedding and all sorts of things as well as she felt able to talk about how she is coping to a certain extent, I think it helped her knowing that I had to do a lot of what she is going through now so understand it.  Then after dropping her home (taking the cupcakes back for father and sister in law as we couldn't eat them) I got back, changed and went to pilates with Sam - wow was that hard work and WOW do I hurt today!  I WILL get into shape for next year though, I might be limping and wincing but I will be a wonderful shape!

Well I shall send this now and go and get the hot chocolate on, it's a bit nippy tonight so I will light the Mexican chimney and get the duvets out on the ledge, the sky is clear and the moon is very bright so we could have a bit of a sing song and a natter before bed - Gayle do you want a lullaby or two my sweet?  See you there my lovely penguins, love and hugs xxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

 Evening All, Just back in from seeing my dad into his bed, he is doing not bad just now Lynne but he is dreading the dark nights again. He is still attending the day hospital on a Wed and seems to be getting on ok at it. I have nothing planned for this weekend although my brother in law is 60 tomorrow so will go and see him tomorrow night and maybe have a wee drink. Ailsa glad you had a nice time in Scotland and you were not far from me if you were near Dumfries. Gayle sending you a big hug and hope you have a nice night out tonight and no sore head tomorrow. Lynne enjoy your camping and hope you are not to cold at night. Helen enjoy your time at Blackpool this weekend. O my brain not working at this time of night so sending everyone else a hug and signing off and going to bed. Fiona xxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Evening everyone.  I've had a nice catchup with Becky now.  We didn't get any time when I got home last night as I had promised to go to fat club and the quiz with my mum & dad.  I only put on 1.5 lbs during my trip so there is hope of me losing weight yet.  Well done with the pilates Rosemary.  I do modified pilates for my back and it really helps.  I think maybe your dad will get more pain relief after a little longer as those things are supposed to build a bit - hope so anyway.  I have recovered from the tears earlier today.  I have a photo of the window now so the tears were all in a good cause.  Me & Teri sisters? Why not?  Well done with the swimming Teri.  It isn't easy to swim with a frozen shoulder.  Hope you are okay after today.

Lynda, enjoy China and the babysitting.  I thought I went a long way to bracknell to babysit but nowhere near as far as you.

Sue I am glad you had a nice time with Dot & Alan.  I have realise Dot is very close to me so I may get a chance to meet Dot for myself if she is not too busy - we'll see.  I hope they are having a good break.

Well I need to get to bed as I didn't get more than the minimum sleep while I was in Scotland.  Take care everyone.  Looking forward to seeing some of you very soon.  Ailsa xxx

Gayle hope you had a great night and not too rough today!!! Good luck with your move, can understand exactly how you feel. Can not imagine having to sort through everything. I keep avoiding it, Pauls things are still everywhere even after 16 months!! Omg,  that sound s like a long time. Why does it still feel like yesterday in some ways?

Ailsa welcome home and glad you all enjoyed the meet, not long until London xx

Rosemary so pleased you are going too, will be lovely to meet you and has Sue said she can make it yet? Rosemary I m having a few monents with a certain teenager in my house!! He was so selfish in his words last night, I wont even start but he was out of order and was told to stop before he even started. Still hurts though doesnt it xx

Welcome Gayle F, hope you keep posting and reading.

Busy week here again, been so tired and that has made me weepy!! Some days so mixed up in my head with what Im doing, where I m going etc but the only way is forward so `just keep swimming!!!` Hibernation sounds a lovely idea though!!! Shall we become hedgehogs for the winter lol!!

Yes I m off to Blackpool today!!! G picking me up about 3 after I ve been to the hairdressers. Will hopefully have packed by then lol!!! Spent ages looking at hotels as some of the reviews were soooo bad!! Hopefully will be ok with the one I ve chosen. We re watching the Liverpool/ Man U game on way home tomorrow somewhere.

Have a lovely weekend everyone

Big hugs Helen xxxx

Have a lovely time Helen.  Hope the head isn't too bad this morning Gayle.  It is a good bit colder and showery here today but I am still glad to be home.  Take care.  Ailsa xxx

hello to you all

I thought i should write something on here as i have been reading some of your recent posts. I sadly am also a widdow, i am 32, and only very early in the process, 2 months yesterday.

In many ways it is nice to read your entries, the way you all are managing to enjoy things again, to meet up with friends but also support each other because the loss does not go, just change i guess.

I hope you do not mind if i keep reading

T 

Morning All, Welcome T sorry you find yourself on this site, but please keep posting as don't know where i would be if i didn't have this site, i am 18 months down the line in this nightmare.We have all became great friends(Penguins). We are all going through the same. I had a wobble last night Derek's cancer nurse was on tv doing an advert for stop smoking so brought back memories. Helen i still have all Derek's things as well i just can't do anything with them yet. Ailsa it's a lovely morning here a pity i am just going to work. Have a nice day everybody, sending you all big hugs. Gayle how's the head this morning? Fiona xxxxxxxxxxxxxx