My husband died in my arms on the 2nd May (2009) - what happens now?

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Dear All,

The Bereaved Partners Support Group will be holding its next session on Monday 19^th September. The Bereaved Partners Support Group (BPSG) is a support group for people who have lost their partners to cancer, although recently we have also had other family members coming along. All are welcome.

The aim of the group is to create a regular space for people to share experiences and/or network with others who have experienced a similar kind of loss. It will be held at the Vale Community Centre in northwest London from 6:30pm – 8:30pm.

We aim to show people they are not alone in their grief and to support them through their loss. We will have the chance to share experiences over refreshments, and will also be planning some group activities for our members (both in-group activities and day outings) so do feel free to come along and let us know what you would like to do.

If you are bereaved please do feel free to come along. We are here to support you. And please do spread the word to anybody you think may benefit from the group.

Please see our website for details:

www.bereavedpartnerssupportgroup.com

Best wishes, 

Erin Thompson

erin.thompson@bereavedpartnerssupportgroup.com

07761-466-713 / 07732-070-972

Evening everyone.  The start of another weekend is upon us.  I'm on here very late as I gave Stu & Suzanne a lift onto town for a night out tonight & I have just been back to pick them up. Inevitably I dropped off watching TV earlier so now after chatting to them in the car I am wide awake and will probably not be able to go to bed for another hour or so.  It makes sense to make use of the PC being quicker in the middle of the night so here I am.  I would love to come on here more often but my big ol' computer is a bit slow during the day and I find it so much quicker to go onto the internet through my ipad.  Unfortunatly the good people at Macmillan have not set up mobile access fully on here so I can read posts but I can't post from my ipad.

I have a quiet weekend planned this weekend so I will be doing the usual when I have time to myself - painting.  The house seems a bit like the Forth Railway Bridge on my own - I never seem to get to the end of what needs to be painted!  I had a lovely day out in Liverpool last weekend.  I met some lovely new people who I have only spoken with on FB before & I also met up with Helen which was nice.  It will be hard when Liam goes to uni but you will be so proud & so will Paul Helen so good luck with the tears.  Even though you only did a short break in Spain you were sporting some nice colour last weekend so the break must have been good.  I am so looking forward to Birmingham & catching up with evryone else as well that I can't put it into words.  Not long now.

I have had a bit of an up & down week emotionally this week myself.  A couple of weeks ago the cine film taken of our wedding surfaced.  It had been missing for about 20 years or even more.  I knew my Dad had it but a few years ago when Chris & I asked Dad for it it denigned ever having had it.  There was no point in falling out over it so we left it and hoped that one day it would show up.  Dad clearly does not remember saying he didn't have it & in conversation a couple of weeks ago he told me it was in his loft.  He gave it and another one of Becky & Stu when they were little, to me and I put it into Jessops to have it put on DVD.  I collected it during a day off on Thursday.  I was not ready for how I felt at all.  I am very, very lucky to have quite a lot of video of Chris including a message he filmed especially when he knew he was dying but this was different.  For those of you too young to remember cine film, a 50 foot film only lasts about 4 minutes.  They are silent!  No - Charlie Chaplin does not appear in them all!   After collecting the DVD at about 4pm I finally watched it at about 10pm.  After that I stayed up until midnight watching it over & over again.  I have made copies now so the film is at last safe.  Both films are on the same DVD.  The other one is a lovely film of Chris & I playing in the garden with a 4 year old Becky & 18 mth old Stu.  Chris is playing on the swing with Becky & playing football with Stu.  I donlt even remember the 2nd one being taken.  I really do appreciate how lucky I am to have the footage but It has been very sad watching it.  I dreamed of Chris a little last night after watching it which is something I never do.  It wasn't much of a dream - we were doing something with Becky & Declan & Chris was just there.  The feelings in the morning were just that I wish in the dream I would know that he wasn't here anymore and make more of the time with him.  It seems in the dream that things were normal, Chris was there & I had no idea what would happen in the future.  It would be nice if I dreamed a little more of him now I think.

Anyway, enough of my ramblings.  Maureen you haven't posted on here again so I hope you are okay.  JMD you will be right about neglecting yourself & your ailments while your husband was ill.  I did the same.  I am still trying to fix a back probelm that developed while Chris was ill.  I seemed to be at the doctors quite a few times after Chris died but that has settled down again now.  I hope you get your shoulder sorted out.  Lu how are you doing with the children?  I have huge admiration for those left with small children to bring up on their own.  It seems to me that you almost have to put your own grief on hold when you have small children.  Like Patricia our 3 children are grown up so they spend as much time looking out for me as I do looking out for them.  Patricia I hope your Dad got on okay at the chest clinic.  Believe it or not my brothers & sisters have given me a voucher for a days spa locally as a thank you for looking after Mum & Dad through Dad's recent heart attack.  It is a lovely gesture & I am hoping that my 2 sisters will be able to join me on the day I use it but there really was no need to give me anything for looking after my parents - it is what you do after all.

Well - maybe I should be thinking about trying to get back to sleep so goodnight everyone.  Take care.  Ailsa xxx

Hi Ailsa, I am posting this from my iPad! A very clever friend worked out how. I will try to explain if you would like. Take care Ann xx

Hi Ann. Thanks for understanding my friend request as a request for help with posting from my ipad. I am following your instructions so lets see if it works! Ailsa xxx

Ann you are a legend. Thank you for the help. This new knowledge will make it so much easier for me to keep in touch with friends on this site now. It is often late when I post & waiting for my PC to load up stops me from posting sometimes. I got the ipad to help me keep in contact with people but the Mac site had been a stumbling block until now. Thank you again & very best wishes from me to you & your family. Ailsa xxx

Glad to be able to help. Have fun! Thank you for the good wishes, as you know only to well, it can be an awful job to keep going at times. Take care Love Ann xx

Hi everyone,

Just here as I am having a very bad day.Just cannot stop crying and nothing in particular set me off.Managed to put on brave face when our elder son took me to pick up some undelivered post as our grandaughter was with him and that made me make an extra effort.As soon as they had gone I started again.It is so awful and seems to be getting worse I think.Do I tell our sons how I am or do I brave it out until it passes?I hardly feel like carrying on today.

Love to everyone going through these feelings.

Maureen (Stanmo)

Dear Maureen

I know exactly how you feel. Two of my sons were here at my house this morning paying me a visit, had to pretend I had cold in my eyes as they noticed they were red and a bit swollen. I didnt want them to know I had cried for most of last night. We are daft arent we but I think we are trying to protect our children from feeling sad for us (which am sure they do anyway).

So I am trying to brave it out like yourself. Its the mother in us protecting our children.

So you must carry on Maureen for their sakes. I know its very very hard but its good to come on here and express feelings isnt it.

Lets know how you are doing later on today.

Maybe have a stiff brandy or something tonight it might help (medicinal purposes only of course!)

Love and strength to you

jmd x

Hello Maureen, so sorry you are having such a tough time at the minute.  This is a very difficult time for you. I understand implicitly but obviously do not know entirely how you are feeling. The uncontrollable crying is a normal part of the grieving process. Only you can know whether or not to tell your sons how you are feeling. When the tidal waves of grief hit, they usually hit really hard. Everyone deals with this situation in their own way and not always in the way they would most like. Sending you lots of penguin hugs and support at this time. There is always someone around to listen even if they cannot offer words of advice or comfort.

Love and angel hugs and I hope your day improves x x x Patricia x x x

Hello jmd, however hard we try to hide our grief from our children, they are fully aware of it and (in my case anyway) are at a loss as to how to help us. Yes we all try to hide our grief and yes we try to protect our families, but sometimes it is good to talk about our feeling and allow each other to express how we feel. I am sorry to hear that you too are having a very difficult time (not surprising though). Penguin hugs for you too and I hope you and Maureen can get to the middle of the huddle and be cossetted byt the rest of the 'penguins' until you feel a bit stronger.

Love and angel hugs x x x Patricia x x x