My husband died in my arms on the 2nd May (2009) - what happens now?

Hi Erin just saw your email.  Good thing I looked at th date as I thought it was the week after.  Did anyone turn up at the July meeting? I will be at the next session.

Thanks so much for your hard work.
Theresa

Morning everyone.  I was thinking about us all and wandering what we are up to this weekend.  I know Fiona is at a wedding this weekend so I am sure you will have a lovely time Fiona.  Pam I hope you were okay on Thursday for Martin's birthday and having Martin's ashes interred.  Thinking of you and hoping you are okay - (((hugs))).  Gayle it sounds like you had a lovely time on holiday, meeting dave & the boys.  I saw some photos, the kiddies are all growing so fast.  It sounds like you still don't sleep very well which must be hard with the boys to take care of.  I am a completely different person as far as sleep is concerned.  I sleep more than I have ever done in my life.  I still don't dream though.  I finally finished the bit of studying I was talking about some time ago and passed my Institute of Management Services Certificate.  It wasn't big but I enjoyed doing it so I might have a go at something else this winter.  You were going to do something Gayle - how have you got on with it?  I hope Billie dog is doing okay.  Bren, you will be in Newfoundland by now.  I hope the journey was okay.  I think I would find 8 weeks at home in one stretch very difficult for the same reasons as you do.  I try to always be busy at home to fend off the loneliness but that isn't always possible.  It is usually when  try to sit in on my own and watch a film or something that it really kicks in.  I'm sure you are having a lovely catch up with family & friends.

I'm having another weekend at home this weekend.  It has only been 2 but it has been quite a challenge.  There is a lot I still need to catch up on.  I think I will be going to a neighbour for a bbq this evening if the rain stays off.  My Dad is doing really well after his heart attack.  He is still stuck at home, not allowed to drive, which is hard for Mum & Dad.  They are used to shooting off every day.  I am going over at 11 to take Mum to the supermarket.  I am going over tomorrow to vacuum for them.  Mum struggles to walk or keep her balance.  She does very well but she can't push the vacuum cleaner around.  Dad usually does that.  She is dusting & polishing but needs me to do the vacuuming!  Stuart was round again on Thursday doing a handful of jobs they had saved up for him.  One of my brothers is visiting them for the day next Saturday so he can probably take Mum shopping next weekend. 

Well I should probably get started and make the most of the day.  I hope everyone is okay.  Take care.  Ailsa xxx 

Hello,

I am in Wales at our caravan with our twin boys. They keep me going. I'm still not dressed, will have to move myself in a while as we are walking to a local bootsale. Our lovely daughter, son in law and grandchildren are on their way. Thank goodness for them. Wish Garry was with us but hope he is in spirit. Love to all, Karen x

Sounds like you are keeping yourself busy Ailsa.  Glad to hear your Dad is doing better.

Well, today is my 30th wedding anniversary.  I had hoped to be in Gaspe for this day but it worked out that I am in Newfoundland, so at least not alone and with family.  It has been very very cold here and rainy and foggy the last 4 or 5 days, somewhat better than the heat at home but not good for viewing beautiful scenery.  We are off down the Burrin peninsula tomorrow so I hope we will drive out of this weather so that I can see the spectacular scenery along the coast.  Tuesday we are on the early ferry to St. Pierre/Miquelon so will see a bit of France just outside Canada.  It has been a really good summer so far, I have spent so much time with family and that is so good for me.  I will see one last BIL and SIL in Ottawa when I get home from here and that is Dan's entire family this summer.  I have certainly had my moments, especially in Gaspe with Dan's tree there and so many memories but I also had some good chats with his cousin whom I hadn't seen since the funeral and lots of good memories there. 

It will be hard to go home but I am in a good place now so I hope to continue that and keep seeing friends and keep pushing myself to get out and do fun things.  It is so easy for me to just sit. 

hope you are all doing well this weekend.

love Bren

Thanks for your thoughts Ailsa.  Yes the day of Martin’s interment went well.  As it was his birthday we let the helium balloons off in the garden in the afternoon, and then we had the interment.  It went well, as I suppose I was not as upset as at the original cremation.  We then all went and had a meal in the evening.  It was sad and happy all at the same time.  I do feel I made the right decision.  Now the family have somewhere to go and I even find some sort of peace there.  I make sure there are plenty of red and white flowers there as he was a great Man U fan, so I think he might laugh at that one if he is looking on.. My darling daughter put a dragonfly she found at the local garden centre next to his stone, and that made me feel so emotive.  I told here the story a while back and she did not forget.  Just a little something extra for her dad x. I  am enjoying my job too.  It is only every other Saturday and some extra days if they want me to fill in, but it does give me an interest and stops me feeling like a nomad, just wandering and never grounded.
I hope you enjoyed the wedding Fiona and it all went well.  Sounds like a great holiday Gayle and you deserve that. 
I hope your weekend went well Ailsa and you enjoyed the bbq.  So good to hear that your dad is doing well, that takes some of the weight of your mind I would think.
Hope you are enjoying your break in Wales Karen.  And what a joy our families are, especially as things are now.
You have been so busy Bren lately with all your ‘tooing and froing’ it is great to meet up with family isn’t it.  Hope your wedding anniversary was not too emotive.  I have our 45th coming up in September and am not looking forward to that one at all.  But I will be on holiday in Cuba so hope with good friends and plenty of vino I will get through.  Then there is the big one a couple of weeks after on the 23rd.  The first year anniversary.  Do not know at all how I am going to deal with that one.  But will cross that bridge when I come to it. 
Well I hope that everyone has as good an evening as they can and just make sure you all keep swimming.
Take care
Pam x

Evening everyone.  Thought I would pop on here before bed.  I don't always feel I can say what I am thinking on facebook so I am still drawn here.  Karen I hope you are having a good time on holiday in Wales with your family.  I am confident Garry is there with you.  Bren I hope the weather has cleared up a bit for you to be able to see the views.  Enjoy the rest and catch up with family.  It is lovely that you get to share things with Dan's family.  Chris's family are just not close at all.  It is not that I don;t get on with them but it is very hard work keeping in touch with them.  They rarely approach me, it is all a bit one sided.  They have always been the same.  Pam it sounds so familiar, you putting red & white flowers with Martin for his love of Man Utd.  Chris was a big Man U fan so I always gravitate towards red & white flowers.  He has the Man U emblem engraved on one of the vases on his grave as well.  The stone mason, who is a friend of the kids did it.

I am having a bit of a downer this evening.  I have struggled to keep in touch with an old friend of mine this past year,  She is making it very difficult to see her for any kind of catch up.  We have been friends for 21 years but this past year I just can't seem to get through to her.  When Chris died she wanted to 'be there' for me.  I'm afraid it has turned out to be a classic case of someone saying if there is anything at all I can do just yell and then being nowhere to be seen.  I don't even 'yell' very often but we agreed that I would take any car problems I had to her husband because that was something I know nothing about and it was something they could do.  Since then they have told me I should just go directly to the mechanic friend we share and not bother phoning Gary first becasue he will just go to Danny anyway!  Recently, while Dad was in hospital, someone bumped into the back of my car.  It is only very minor and probably needs nothing doing to it but I asked my friend if her husband would give me his opinion on whether it should be repaired and how much it might cost.  They have now let me down a total of 5 times in less than a fortnight.  I keep sitting in expecting them and then get a phone call saying they are not coming.  Why can they not see that it would be better just to say they weren't coming from the onset thnt have me sitting in evening after evening waiting for them to not show up.  Sorry for the rant but I am so upset by this.  The latest is they are coming at the weekend.  I honestly think it will be far too after the fact for me to make a claim against the other driver now even though I have her details.  Looks like I will just have to chalk that one down to experience.  I will see if I have the nerve to go to a bump garage tomorrow for a quote but if I don't do it tomorrow I am just going to forget it.  I hate this single life.  I can do so much for myself but the one thing I lack confidence in seems to be the one thing I can't get help with.

Anyway, like I say, sorry for the rant but I needed to get it off my chest I'm afraid.  I would love to think I have the courage to tell my friend how she has made me feel but I probably won't - won't be able to apart from anything else if she keeps not showing up for visits anyway will I!!

Well I am off to bed.  Sue I hope you have had a great birthday today.  Take care everyone.  Ailsa xxx

Oh Ailsa - I'm so sorry to hear that your 'friend' is causing you so much grief......so thoughtless and not very kind at all.  I'd be tempted to be putting on my coat as she arrives (if ever) and say 'thanks for calling but I'm just on my way out'!!!!  Which is even more rude and thoughtless.......gggrrrrrr.........

But I'm sending you one enormous comforting (((((hug)))))) to show that I care.........

Dot xxxx

Oh Ailsa, it is really upsetting when friends we thought we could rely on let us down isn’t it.  I just think the best way of dealing with this kind of thing is to just let them go.  Trying to make them understand and be there for you is making you feel bad and I am sure you do not deserve that.  I think it would probably be good to see the bump garage, at least you can send the other driver an estimate and set the ball rolling. 
We have been through so much and deserve a time when we can just get on with our lives and try to heal and it does not help when people let us down.  I hope your rant has done you good and if it has then that is great and where else can your rant to your hearts content and know we are there for you as you have been there for us.
Take care my friend and don’t forget……………just keep on swimming

Evening.  Thanks for understanding.  Getting it off my chest on here helped me sleep.  After work today I went to the nearest bump garage in the next village and a lovely lad there Called Richard gave me a very reasonable quote to get it fixed.  Even worked out how we could do it without me having to take a day off work, bless him.  I rang the other driver back and she seemed surprised that the price was too high and wanted me to get it in writting and another quote.  Didn't feel too great about that - I had faced my demons but not sure I could do it again so soon.  However she rang me back an hour later to say her boyfriend had told her it was a very good price and she should grab it with both hands.  She is calling round with the money tomorrow night so maybe I have conquered another job.  I feel quite proud of myself and I am sure Chris would be proud of me as well for not giving up.

I need to text my 'friend' now and tell her it is done so her husband doesn't need to come round and look for me now.  Not sure how I will word that yet!  I so want to do what you suggest Dot but like you say I may just be lowering myself to her level so might have to be polite.  I think the relationship has bitten the dust now anyway.

Thanks again for 'getting it'.  I'm still swimming so I hope everyone else is as well.  Take care everyone.  Ailsa xxx

Well done Ailsa for getting the quote and sorting things with the other driver........Didn't she realise that doing it all this way and not involving insurance companies (?) saves her a lot of trouble and expense in the long run.  She would probably have been penalised when renewing her policy!!!!!

Chris would indeed be very proud of all you have achieved!!

I'm so sorry that your friendship seems to have fallen apart - but it's at times of difficulty that you find out who your true friends are isn't it?  I'm sure we here will always be around for one another and offer support, love and (((hugs))) in equal measure all the time..........

As I do now - love and many comforting (((hugs)))

Dot xxxxx