My husband died in my arms on the 2nd May (2009) - what happens now?

Morning all .

 Patricia its lovely to hear you sounding so positive and as for the torture classes well done , i know normally how hard it is to get into any kind of physical exersise so well done . As you've probably read my thing is cycling at the moment , i had to stop the jogging because of my continuing problems with my back . I've been to the gp and she just said i had got to live it with it and gave me some knock out tablets to help me sleep with it , i did try them but i found i was to sleepy in the day so its back to just pain killers . Oh well thats the nature of the job i'm in , plenty of lifting so will just have to cope with it .

 Pam and Becky sending hugs to you too and Ailsa i know your having a rough time at the moment so i'm hoping you start to feel better soon , once again the "build up" to the anniversaries are proving really dificult .

 My daughter is doing really well after the break up with her fiancee , he's still trying to get back with her and hassleing her but its nothing she can't cope with and her brothers have already text him to tell him to back off so if he carries on i think they will be haasling him lol , they are very protective of their sister .

 Anyway just dropped by to send hugs to all at easter , i now how difficult the holiday time can be .

Take care all

 Lynnexxxx

Lynne, I too enjoy cycling but have not done any for many years now. I was discussing with my daughter the idea of cycling along the Leeds Liverpool canal and wondering if that would be a good option. Other than that I suppose I could go with my original and long stanging idea of walking the canal from the Leeds Basin to Liverpool. Of course this would take me quite a long time and I may even have to do it in stages. i.e. do a few stretches and then return home (by bus). Then recommence where I left off. This would be difficult but I would love to do it. Mmmm.... now where did I leave that motivation???? Or maybe I should just forget it and go shopping instead. Suggestions on pin head please.

I hope you all manage to have a reasonably good day.

Love and angel hugs x x x Patricia x x x

Thanks all you lovely penguins for just being there, don't really know what I would do without you all.

Have put my energies into the garden today, thought it might take my mind off  things.  Have cut and strimmed both back and front gardens and am now just going out to water the tubs.  Don't feel quite so down now, so the gardening must have helped somewhat.  Tomorrow I have decided to clean the guttering.  There is so much to do isn't there.  It did not seem so much when there were two to share the load.  I know I can call on my family and friends, but I have got to get used to this lone situation so try to do as much as I can.

I am going to my Son IL's mother for dinner on Sunday, so I can have a rest then.  I have invited my daughter, SIL and family round for dinner on Monday.  It will only be the second time I have cooked a meal since I lost Martin, so am feeling a bit apprehensive about it.  Still, it will make a change to stay off the ready meals for a couple of days. 

I hope you all have as good an Easter as you can, these holidays can be hard can't they.  I think it is when you feel alone the most.

Take care and keep swimming (I have got into the water and will be giving it a go)

Pammie xx

Hello my lovely penguins, at last I am back on here with half a brain cell still working. First Becky sending you a big hug and suggesting some acupuncture might help you get rebalanced - if the pill isn't already sorting it and I'm glad doctors get cross with their GP's it must be really hard for you to see a doctor they already don't like it when the likes of us already have suggestions as to what we would like done.  However more time should have been taken and he definitely should have been listening to you! 

 Patriicia, so many lovely plans, I would go with the cycling of the canal, although you could perhaps walk it in stages and stay at B&B's rather than getting the bus home each time - I will send a sachet of motivation in the post (not to be mistaken for the dreaded Movicol, that moves things like..... well like you wouldn't want moved) take it in the morning with a good dose of sunshine. 

Ailsa my lovely love, big big hugs for you as we head towards the 2nd May, this is such an odd anniversary, different to the first year when you can't believe you have actually survived a whole year, now it's a bit dreaded I think as it seems like everyone must think "2 years that's ages" and to us it's still only 5 minutes ago and still painful.  Mother in law has been very weepy as she thought she would be "getting over it by now" and it's only 3 months and she is very ill herself - but then I suppose that is all part of her illness and the dementia she is also suffering from.  You are so lovely Ailsa and Chris would be so very proud of all you have done both before you lost him and since - look at your lovely window and think of all it represents, then look through it and there is a future too.

Bren, sending you some sunshine and warmth my dear, I think it's about time Canada caught up with us over here.  Lot of hugs to you. 

Pam glad you are managing a little swim, it was probably lovely having people with you but I know what you mean about the being on your own again - it's almost twice as bad for a time isn't it?  We went out for dinner last night (Daniels 21st birthday!) and the little rats all decided they would meet me at the restaurant (Daniel lives next door to me and Samantha and Wayne are 5 minutes away in the village) so we all drove 25 minutes away in three cars, had a nice evening and then I cried the whole way home missing Steve (especially for Dan's birthday) and also because I was on my own whilst they were with their other halves and I was also going home to an empty house.  Like you I have spent the day gardening, it does help as it keeps you busy but it is also productive isn't it, you feel like you are doing some good - also Steve used to keep the garden so nice I feel like I have to do my best for him.  You have done so well in the last 7 months and it is so hard reliving all those "this time last years" but in some way it can help - it hurts like hell but if you can let yourself fo over it again, feel the pain of it all (which you felt then but absobed in shock and hope), cry, rant and shout or scream whatever you want to do.... but then you have to try and push it away and know that you have dealt with it.  I don't think I'm making much sense here, but I think what I mean is that we all keep thinking about those times (and still will to some extent always I guess) but if you can deal with it and acknowledge it, remembering that you couldn't and still can't change anything then maybe your heart can heal a little bit.  Sorry really not making sense and maybe not helping either.  Pour me a large vodka too, I'll have a tonic with it if I may and lots of ice.  Love and hugs to you xxxxxx

Now I have rambled and dived in the deep end (without my life jacket I might add) I know I have missed some penguins, so I will launch the beautiful, new yacht I have just dreamed up for our summer cruise and I will open the bar where vodka, Baileys and any amount of yummy things are available, along with Pimms and also an amazing non alcoholic fruit cocktail which I just love on these hot days.  There are plenty of sun loungers, a shady bit if it's too hot and a wonderful buffet available, fresh at any time night or day - lets set sail xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

I will be the first to board Rosemary.  Sounds wonderful.  I do understand what you are saying, sometimes I have to make myself feel the pain to get through it.  It does help to go over what happened, and the more times I talk about it or think about it, each time is just a tiny bit  easier.  I think that is what you mean. 

Sending hugs to all who need them.  It would be more difficult this weekend if I was at home, but Dan had never been to Newfoundland, neither had I before he died and now this is my fourth visit here.  It is soooo cold!  I landed yesterday into freezing rain and 3 inches of snow on the ground!  This is supposed to be spring.   Home is not this cold but it is not a normal spring either.  We would usually have much nicer weather by now.  I tried to walk on the beach today but it was far too cold.  It is still beautiful here and nice to visit with family.  Nice to get away for a bit, no responsibilities or chores.  It is always hard to get home to an empty house and although it does get easier too, I still find a let down after a trip or after company.

Morning everyone.  It looks like it is going to be an even nicer day today.  I just walked out into the garden to admire my handiwork from yesterday and it is already warm.  Probably not the best as I really need to do some housework today and a bit of shopping.  I have the family coming for a bbq tomorrow afternoon and I have spent the past week working on the garden so now the house is going to be the let-down if I don't shape myself.  Usually if I put my ipod on with the cordless headphones though I can get a load done while I sing & dance - shame for the neighbours though!!!

Thanks for your lovely comments Rosemary.  You too are such a lovely person to remember and mention the 2nd May.  I am a bit plagued by dates as it gets closer but last year I was in a terrible place, re-living every moment as if it was happening again.  I vowed I would not let that happen this year and mostly I have managed it.  I can't ignore the dates - today 2 years ago Stu & I took Chris to Old Trafford.  The kids & I all have the photo that was taken of Chris & Stu with all the trophies at the end of the visit.  Chris was literally drinking his oramorph that day to manage his pain but he created a day that Stu & I will never forget.  For that I am very proud of them both because it was hard for Stu as well.  I am handling this better this year but the sadness has crept in.  It will last another week as the Friday night of the bank holiday is the one I find more difficult.  That is sort of a good thing as everyone else focusses on the 2nd May which means I can be left alone with my thoughts on the Friday night.  I am going to do nothing at all on the 2nd May except relax and go to the cemetery with some special flowers.  I worry that I am wasting time as it has been 2 years.  I am not quite sure what I am supposed to be doing with my time.  I do loads but I am not sure it could be classed as living my life.  Looking out for the family, the house and the garden would be what Chris would want me to do and it helps me a lot to do it (I do it for me as well as Chris) but I think other people have a probelm with it and think I should 'live' a bit more.  I am sure it will all become clear in time.

Pam I am glad you had a better day yesterday.  The 'this time last year' thoughts are very difficult so you must be kind to yourself.  I am glad you had a lovely time with your daughter.  Have a lovely meal tomorrow and I am sure you will cook a great meal on Monday.  I am doing a bbq tomorrow which was always Chris's thing but I have found that I have adapted the cooking to something I can manage now.  I have 10 people coming round so it should be fun.  Good luck with the guttering.  I was busy yesterday in the garden & with my bike & one of my neighbours commented that I put him to shame.  You're right though - there is so much for one person to do when 2 used to do it.

Talking of bikes - Lynne you seem to be having fun with yours!!  I have only been out on mine once but I went with my neighbours and now they are away for a week so I have to wait for them to come home as it is more fun to cycle with other people.  I have changed my saddle for a more comfortable one while I wait though.  Cycling the Leeds Liverpool cancal is a great idea Patricicia.  I would like to build my fitness a bit and then try something like that.

Bren it sounds soooo cold in Newfoundland but the rest will be lovely.  I find it a good bit easier to do things that Chris & I didn't do.  I am going to the theatre this evening which is something I have only started since I was on my own.  I usually go with my neighbours but they forgot they were away so there were 2 spare tickets from our booking.  For a change I am going to take my youngest daughter Toni and Stu's girlfriend Suzanne with me.  I am really looking forward to showing them the lovely little theatre I have been going to.  I hope you have a lovely break in Newfoundland and maybe home will be a bit warmer when you get back.

Becky I hope being on the pill helps to sort those hormones of yours out.  How is the training going?  Swimming sounds like a good idea to help you build your fitness and save your knees.  I am glad your counselling helps - but yes, you can't beat the support on here.

Save a spot for me on the yacht Rosemary.  A nice bacardi and coke please!  With being busy in the garden I am in & out of that part f the house and passing the window all the time - it is beautiful in the sun.  Chris would love it.

Right - things to do.  Take care everyone & have a lovely day in the sun.  Ailsa xxx

Morning everone , Rosemary the yacht sounds fantastic , i can just picture it now , bliss , sat on the deck surrounded by my lovely penguin friends , i AM going to win the lottery and make this dream come true lol . Patricia and Ailsa , the leeds Liverpool canal Bike ride sounds fun too (hard but fun lol ) I am having a fab time on my bike and i too have bought a more comfortable saddle (ouch ) I did 8 miles yesterday and we are aiming for about ten today . The whole canal goesup to the river Trent which is 42 miles but cant see me ever getting there but you never know if this weather keeps upover the summer months  . Hope your BBq goes well Ailsa  , i'm just planning a little BBq on monday just for the kids but if the weather is bad it will be just a lunch . I'm going walking tommorow with the ladies i went walking with last year so i'm looking forward to that too .

 Hugs and love to you all at easter 

 Lynne xxxx

 
Hello, all you lovely penguins, I hope you are finding this great weather to your liking.  I have been busying myself in the garden to keep my mind off the dark place.  Yesterday I cleaned out my guttering and borrowed this great tool from a friend.  It is battery operated, on a long pole, with a round brush at the end, so (if you live in a bungalow of course) you can get all the dirt off without climbing around.  Anything that makes things easier I say.  Martin seemed to be able to get up there and get on with it without much problem, but I am finding all these new jobs not so easy.  But I suppose practice will make perfect.  I am going to spend today with my daughter and family at my son in law’s mums, so that should be OK.  She lost her husband last April, so it will be good to spend some time with a kindred spirit. Hope that does not sound selfish as I would not have wished that on her, but life goes on so they say, and we must go on with it.
Yesterday passed better than I thought it would.  Keeping busy did help, had some wobbly moments, but on the whole not too bad.

Ailsa, you are coming up to an emotive date and I hope it passes kindly for you.  That is all we can ask for isn’t it.  We have to get through these moments in time that are indelibly written in our head, I wonder if one day they will not be so emotive.  We can only hope.  You are such a comfort to us all when we are down, I hope we can be a comfort to you too.  It looks as if Rosemary has got herself a great new yacht, with lots of goodies on board, so hope to meet you there in cyberland.  Take care my friend and try to keep swimming along with me.  (I might need someone to hang onto xx)
I hope you enjoy your bbq today and it goes as well as it can.  I am hoping in time to be able to get mine out, but not strong enough to do that yet…..the time will come…….
The best picture I have of Martin was of him  sitting in the garden of the b&b we stayed at when we visited Manchester,  holding up the new Man U shirt he had just bought with a pint of Stella on the table.  He was so happy, it was 6 months before he was diagnosed, and I always wonder, did he have his tumour then, did it come later.  I will never know, but I do get comfort from this picture (I do admit to have shouted at it in my dark times ……stop smiling and get back here!!!!..) But on the whole it gives me some joy.  All these memories……..

Oh Rosemary, sometimes others do not understand.  We know it is not done on purpose, just with not enough thought involved.  It is so hard going back to an empty house isn’t it. I also find the journey back is much worse than the journey to anywhere.  I don’t know why, but I shed more tears in that situation.  We are all so much alike in this club we never wanted to join, aren’t we?  You made perfect sense my friend in your ‘ramblings’ and your words are always a comfort to me.  I suppose we cannot have lived with our partners for so long without all these feelings to well up on us and we just have to find the strength to get through.  It is so good to be able to come on here and talk to people who really know what we are feeling and are not put off by our rants and raves.  It is a bit early in the morning to pour you a vodka my friend, but will happily do so later on this evening.  I am hoping to catch up with you in your new yacht, and I am quite partial to Pimms.  See you there later xx.


Bren, I hope the weather warms up for you soon, you deserve some warmth my friend x.

I have been thinking for a while of getting a bike.  When Martin was ill we had decided to invest in a bike each when he was well enough, but unfortunately, that time never came.  But I think I will get one all the same.  Am going with my daughter and SIL tomorrow to have a look at some.  Don’t think I will be achieving 42 miles but you never know……………..

Well, I had now better get ready to go out, so it just remains for me to wish you all as good a day as you can have.

Hope to see you all on Rosemary’s yacht later.

Take care
Pammie xx

Ailsa, I hope you are managing to enjoy your family BBQ. It is a lovely day for it. Later on today I am going to my youngest son's house for dinner, at the moment however I am watching Mary Poppin's on tv. Earlier today I went to the Easter service at church. It was so lovley to see all the little children there.

Pammie, you sound as though you have been very industrious. I wish I could reach my own gutters but living in an old terraced house it is virtualy impossible so I will have to find 'a man who can'. The man who I hire to sort my roof will also (hopefully) do the gutters.  Anyway, don't tire yourself out too much.

Lynne, I hope you enjoy your walk today. Sounds a bit too energetic for me.  I looked up the distance on the canal and it is approx 127 miles. If I want to cycle I apparently need a cycle permit to be legal. Not sure that I will ever actually do the walk or cycle but the idea is in my head and maybe one day I might make it happen. (not much fun on your own but more to the point is the safety aspect).

Anyway, have a good day if you can.

Love and angel hugs x x x Patricia x x x

Just a quick one - have had a long evening talking to Daniel's business partner and wife, all very worrying - I've heard from Fiona and she sends her love but hasn't been able to get much time online lately, her dad is still poorly in hospital so she had lots of worries still - I have popped her straight to the middle of the huddle to keep her safe.  Hope you have all had a good Easter weekend and tomorrow is good too, Ailsa, how was the bbq?  Very good I'm sure, I've never got the hang of cooking on them yet, but it's always interesting to say the least!

Night night for now my lovelies, sleep well if you can and if not we'll all have a little float along on the yacht under the stars together xxxxxxxx