My husband died in my arms on the 2nd May (2009) - what happens now?

Thank you Dot - you and Alan have a lovely Easter weekend as well.  With the lovely forecast I am planning on spending loads of it in the garden.  I have invited the family round for a bbq on Sunday as well so need the house & garden to look nice for then - looks like Friday & Saturday are going to be busy.

This evening I have put in my order for some tickets for the Olympics for the family so now we have to sit tight and hope we are successful.  I was really excited when I got the email confirming my order so just think how excited I will be if we are allocated the tickets.

Well done to your nephew Patricia.  Good luck with the house - huge step in the right direction for you if you are feeling a little enthusiastic about doing a few things to the house.  Take care everyone.  Ailsa xxx

lol Dot. I need the bank card to pay  the workmen whom I am going to have to call on  to do all the jobs that  need doing to get my house into shape again. I have not taken much interest in it over the past 2 years or so and I think the time has come to do somethinbg about it.

Love and angel hugs x x x Patricia x x x

p.s. no offence taken lol

Oops. I missed the last two posts.

Dot, so glad to hear you and Alan managed to spend some time out in the garden.

Ailsa, I hope you have a good time with your family this weekend. Good luck with the Olympics tickets.

Love and angel hugs x x x Patricia x x x

Hi guys

It has been a little while since I last posted but i have been keeping up to date with the goings on on my iphone.

Patricia good luck with the house it must mean something if you are feeling it is time to tackle things. cant think about altering much here even though things need doing.

Ailsa I hope you have a lovely weekend and a nice BBQ with the family, the say this wether is set for at least the weekend.

bren, how long does winter go on for in your part of the world? must be time for some springtime soon there surely? hope you are not allowing it to get your spirits down too much.

well, I have been extra busy at work the last couple of weeks, which has left me feeling tired and extra stressed. which is why I have not written in a couple of weeks. My training for the 10kmrace is going slowly and I am behind schedual and now have all sorts of new pains to deal with, the fun of shin splints now!!

I went to the Gp finally on monday about my problem with my hormones making me really depressed at just that time each month, PMS. well I had been trying to get a appointment with the GP that had looked after me after Marc died but after 3 weeks of trying with no success I ended up seeing a random other GP. It had to be the really tacktless one didnt it! It's actually really hard to admit as a woman who is quite independant and self reliant and coped with the last year ok i think that such a thing can happen, and to a man too, who I know will have no idea what it is like, he probably thinks I am just a bit emotional and irritable. He knows that I had had suicidal thoughts at my lowest and that had scared me into trying to get help and yet he said, 'just recognising it and talking about it may be enough'. Hey, I recognise I have it, who exactly do you think I am going to be sharing these feelings with, my partner as the leaflet you provided suggests?!! sorry, he died, thats why just recognising this is not enough, i cling on and cope most of the time but when i feel like that......... Did he not understand how serious the low mood swing is, was he not listening? Anyway I basically told him I wanted to retry the pill as I didn't used to get this problem much before, hadn't been through the last year before either, so it may not work, but it is more proactive then doing nothing!!.........

rant over ( see even doctors get pissed off with their GP)

Helen if you still pop in and have a read, what you posted on facebook last night was beautiful, but it made me really crymyself to sleep  for the first time in a few weeks. I hope you are keeping well.

to all those not specifically mentioned, rosemary, gayle and every one. Have a good easter weekend.

Becky

Becky, sometimes people just do not understand what we are going through. Leaflets are all well and good but a listening ear is far more productive (in my humble opinion). Have you tried the councelling sessions provided in the wokplace or is that not a good idea? Have you contacted the macmillan services in yur area to see what they provide in the way of councelling? My local Macmillan service provides telephone sessions too if needed. Keep coming here to our little group whenever you need to and rant, rave, scream, whatever it takes to get things off your chest. Meanwhile come intot her middle of the huddle. It is lovely and cosy. It will give you time to 'lick your wounds' away from prying eyes. Good luck with the hormone thing. You never said whether he agreed to you going back on the pill. As for suicidal thoughts Becky, I bet there are very few bereaved people who have not had those thoughtrs in some form or another. However, we all (including you) have not acted on them so that in itself is a good thing.

"When you walk through a storm, hold your head up high and don't be afraid of the dark. At the end of the storm there's a golden sky and the sweet silver song of the lark. Walk on, through the wind, walk on through the rain, though your dreams be tossed and blown, walk on, walk on, with hope in your heart and you'll never walk alone" ..........

Always remember that we are here for your dear Becky x x x

Love and angel hugs x x x Patricia x x x

Morning all.  Lovely words Patricia.  Glad you posted Becky.  I am really hoping the GP did as you asked and put you back on the pill.  My GP was useless after chris died as well but I found some other counselling really helped at the time.  Take care of yourself and stick with your training and we will be here encouraging you.  Ailsa xxx

Have not posted lately. I have tried to keep up with all the posts but it is so hard to remember what has already passed.

My daughter went back to Wales today with the grandchildren. It has been a great few days although quite hectic.  But at least it passes time.  Now it is just me, on my own, back in the land of the bereaved.

It will be 7 months on Saturday since I lost Martin, but what stays in my mind more is that it will be exactly one year since he was diagnosed.  That fateful day that shattered our lives completely.  Never in our wildest dreams did we ever imagine the outcome of the endoscopy.  I can remember so clearly the drive home.  Both of us in a state of shock.  This could not be happening to us, this happened to other people.  Well, we were now the ‘other people’.  So I have now got a year of …’this time last years’… to get through and I think it is gonna be soooo hard.  So I am sitting here, on my own, with a large Vodka and tonic  (yes I know it is a bit early)  and trying to ‘get my head round’ everything that has happened since then.  We went through all the clichés…we are gonna fight this….. we are gonna get through this…..read up on everything…..try everything.  So naïve were we.  Fate had the last laugh, slapped us on the wrist and said ‘no way’.  I tried so hard to make him live, but it was not to be.  So here I am, on my own, trying so hard to make sense of it all.  Trying so hard to fit into this new life I do not want………….  

Sorry for this, do try to stay positive, but sometimes………….well you know……..sometimes you just can’t…………

Am floundering, but am trying to swim…

Pammie xx

Dear Pam

I have not walked in your shoes so cannot know what you are suffering - but I can hear the pain and grief so strongly in your words........And I am lost for words........... So I will just send you a huge comforting ((((((((((((hug))))))))))))) and a hope that you may swim a little more strongly soon......

Shuffle into the middle of the huddle of penguin friends where you can be (((hugged))) and comforted by all........

Love and more ((((hugs))))

Dot xxxxxxxxxxxx

Pam I am glad that you enjoyed the time with your daughter and the grandchildren. It is so hard after being with company to be on your own again, there is a rebound low, isn't there. As for the this time last years, dito, i am haveing lots of that. This time last year we were all nicely reassure because his endoscopy and colonoscopy were normal, he had abdo pain but the mear thought of a rare small bowel cancer with no risk factors, that happens to someone else, right!! We were merrily wedding planning, having prewedding photo shoots with the photographer, Mark went on his stag weekend, and we were having our bands read in church on easter morning. This time last year...........  That probably does not help does it, but i am with you, we became the someone else. If a large vodka helps today you go for it, it may be early here but somewhere around the world its after 8pm!! Who said you liver knows what time it is anyway. Just don't make a big habbit of it because that won't help but today, what the hell..

Ailsa and patricia, thankyou so much for your concern following my last post. yes I did persuade the GP to restart the pill for my hormones. I do still go to councilling and actually have been doing so for about 6 months now. I think for me it has been a massive help, I don't think i would be back at work and functioning without it, though you guys are also like councilling and support and have contributed to my pulling myself up a bit. I am usually ok, like now I am coping fine, but no amout of councilling seems to stop the huge low that comes with the hormones, its just that push too far, so hopefully the pills will help.

pam if you dont feel like swimming sit on the side and enjoy your vodka and tonic...

today i am swimming (possibly litterally later) so i hope everyone else is comming for a dip!

becky

Just sending my support to all of you and hoping that you can manage to get through this Easter period in one piece. 'This time last year' mmm..... I can remember going through that but now when I look back I feel as though I have lost two years plus of my life. People say things to me and I look blank as if to say what on earth are you talking about.  When they jog my memory though I will often start to remember things (Ailsa will vouch for that one lol). Anyway, take care dear penguins. The water is just a little warmer right now so we can all 'bob along' together without freezing.

Pam, (((hugs)))) to you. The house must seem very quiet now.

Becky, look after yourself.Hopefully those hormones will level out fairly quickly.

Talking of hormones, I think mine all packed up and went on 'permanent' holiday. Pity they didn't take the 'hot do's' with them. I live in a permanent state of flux between being freezing cold or roasting and feeling like I am in a sauna. Oh happy days (not) x x x I expect it will all settle eventually (well I hope so anyway).

My wonderful daughter took me to torture class again today. (a toning class).  I need a miracle not a class. lol.

Take care, Love and angel hugs x x x Patricia x x x