My husband died in my arms on the 2nd May (2009) - what happens now?

I shall be unanimous with you , Dot - in you go, Patricia, no arguments.

Ditto dot's comments about carers - Alan and i had our worst 'words' on the Easter Sunday before he died. It was the only time during all his illness that i went out -  and it was only for one hour to the  easter Sunday church service.  He said some very hurtful things, and I ended up slamming the door as i went out, which believe it or not is not my usual way of dealing with  things, but everyone's tether has an end!!!

xx

Hi all

I recognise myself in your words about dealing with things.  I hate confrontation and get very distressed whenever I get involved in arguments.  I have always been a fairly easy going person, but sometimes the stress and strain of worrying about my partner and dealing with my own feelings and emotions pushes me over the edge.  I sometimes don't know myself anymore.  But we are only human.  I feel very guilty when we argue, but sometimes it is needed to clear the air.  This site helps me to vent my frustrations and emotions, and I know that there is no one who will judge me, unlike some of the people who have no idea what we, as carers of terminally ill patients, are going through. 

Thank goodness for lovely people (and lovely penguins)

Sheena xxx

Oh Janet, we yearn for the better weather to come and then with it comes  those many feelings.  Pain that they are not here to see the plants popping through the ground, sorrow that they will not see those early Spring days, and the loneliness we feel that they are not here with us.  That is just the nature of the beast and something we have to go through.  I can only send you lots of ((((((((((((((hugs))))))))))))))).  Get right into the middle of our penguin huddle I think you need to be there right now. 

And Patricia I think you could do with being in the middle right now too.  You have so many comforting words for all of us and I think you now need to be comforted my friend.  Please don’t feel bad about your outburst.  We are not saints and we do things we regret more often than not.  I know you feel you should not have had the argument even though your patient was probably in the wrong, but put it behind you, you have got through far worse than this, so just huddle up hun and forget your worries for a little while xx.

Yes Susan, I found Martin could be hurtful sometimes, but I put that down to how he was feeling.  He was battling that cursed cancer and of course he would get down and grumpy.  But we are not saints, and we can’t always just sit there and take it can we.  But that did not mean we loved each other less and yes everyone’s tether has to end xx.

Sheena, hope you are coping the best you can.  Don’t forget, you can always get in the middle of the huddle when you need it.

Hope all you lovely penguins are out there swimming and if you are finding it a bit tiring lately, then just get into Rosemary’s boat, I am sure she will not mind and she always has plenty of hot chocolate and Baileys.

(((((((((((((((((hugs)))))))))))))) to you all

Take care
Pammie xx

Oh how I hate this feeling of no longer being in control of my emotions. It is so hard to do this without the one person who I really want to be with. I feel so ashamed of myself though because in two days I have heard of two very young lives being taken. One a 14 month old who was kiled in a car accident and the other a 9 wek old who died with meningitis. It makes you thinkg doesn't it? Here am I moping and wallowing whilst those babies lives have been cut so tragically short. Perhaps I should not post when I am so tired but I just felt I needed to write it down.

Take care dear penguins and have the best day you can.

Love and angel hugs x x x Patricia x x x

Dear Patricia

This is the time that you should be posting!!  It's not just about the highs - the good news.......but more importantly I feel it's about the low, tired, tiring times when everything feels just too much to bear.......How else will we know how you feel so that we can comfort you in the same way that you comfort us??

You are right that there are others worse off than us (individually) - but that doesn't mean that your own feelings and dilemmas are any less important to you.....and to us as a group of supportive friends..........So let us huddle continue to huddle round you and look after you for a while........

So I'm sending you love and lots of comforting (((hugs))) to help you through this bad patch

Dot xxxxxxxx

How kind and wise you are Dot.  This is indeed a bad patch and I don't seem able to lift myself out of it. I do have some laughs but then I hit the floor. Do you think I am going crazy???? I would of course say to anyone else, allow yourself to wallow a little but don't let it overwhelm you and take over your life. However, this does not apply to myself. My mother used to despair of me and call me 'little miss independant'. I never understood what she meant but I am coming to realise that she was telling me that I was stubborn and unresponsive to being helped by others. This is something which I am havinbg to learn to do on an emotional level but baulk against on a physical level. In other words, I am my own worst enemy. Oh well, what will be will be x  x

Love and angel hugs to all penguins x x x Patricia x x x

My wisdom (?) comes from recognising a fellow independent soul!!!!  I too will move heaven and earth to help someone else but I prefer to sort my own problems MY WAY!!!  There comes a point though when even I have to admit defeat - and sometimes just let the world pass me by........And if someone holds out a hand I will hang on for a little while - just so that I can regain my strength to carry on fighting!!!!

Love and comforting ((((hugs)))) for you - and all our penguins friends........

Dot xxxxxxxxxxx

PS - to answer your question - NO I don't think you are going crazy!!!!  The laughter will return in larger amounts when you're ready for it....xxxxx

Patricia, I am sending you huge hugs and encouragement.  Please continue to post all of your feelings, it does help to let them out and this is the safest place to do that.  I know how hard it is to ask for or accept help but sometimes we cannot do it all alone.  I have also always been independant but I now realize how much I did depend on Dan.  Friends are not enough but they are a distraction and do help me over some of the worst humps.   Remember we are always here for you.

love Bren

Maybe not helpful but a Slade song keeps going round my head - Mama We're All Crazy Now.... I think it fits us doesn't it Patricia?  Hold on tight and as the others have said, keep posting your feelings, if you can't say it here where can you?  And if you don't say it somewhere then chances are you will go crazy.  That is the trouble I think, so many thoughts and feelings whirl in our heads and for so many reasons we can't let them out and talk about them, or we don't want to talk about them, but if they stay in there then they never go away properly.  I wish I could help you dear friend, you are so lovely and dear to us all but you really do hide in your shell when it comes to needing a hand yourself (although I know we have shared some moments), sending you lots of love and penguin hugs - lots of them to all of you on here too I think a super large huddle is called for right now as there are quite a few only just keeping heads above water at the moment - the lifeboat has been launched, the kettle is on, the Baileys is open AND I've made a Banoffee Pie come on over girls xxxxxxxxxxx