My husband died in my arms on the 2nd May (2009) - what happens now?

Temple so glad you have found us, although as ever we all wish we had never met in these circumstances.  So sorry for your loss and as you say very early days for you, but we all understand, we have all been there and as you can see it is possible to survive - although ups and downs still happen to all of us.  Hope you stay with us and can maybe meet up when you are ready too, always feel free to write anything here, the good and the bad, the stuff you can't share out loud or maybe with anyone close to you, we take it all and you never need to apologise for sharing stuff, this is our lifeline and our (in)sanity.  Keep reading, keep holding on and post when you feel you can. xxxxx

Helen big hug, blooming teenagers, I always seem to make excuses for them both (although mine are both out of their teens by actual age), but sometimes it comes to a point where they need to be told and realise we feel too - and we feel a lot.  Hope you have a lovely time in Blackpool - the ledge is always open even from there remember!  Going swimming shortly so will do a few lengths, well one or two, for you lot too xxxxx

See y'all later xxxxxx

Hi Fiona!  We just crossed in the post - big hug to you xxxxxxxx

Morning everyone (or is it afternoon :)),

Welcome Temple and I am so sorry for your loss.  Please do keep reading (and posting when you feel able).  This thread is a godsend for all of us to be able to rant and rave, moan and laugh and know that we are sharing these with people who truly understand what we are going through.  It is a huge emotional rollercoaster and I know that if I didn't have here I would seriously lose the plot (probably some of the others think I have already!!).  We are here as and when you need us.

Well yes I am as rough as a badgers proverbial today.  Drank too much but had a good night.  We were 2nd in the pub quiz and met up with some people in that pub who ended up joining us for the night so it was good laugh.  I wasn't too late in bed but definitely suffering today.  Think I will just have to write off today and start again tomorrow.  I have nearly finished packing up Ewan's room so at least I have done something today I suppose.  I could really do with lying on the couch but my little monkeys are demanding attention.  I got them a new dvd so just gave them it so hopefully that will keep them occupied for a wee while.

Ailsa, glad you had a nice time in Scotland the weather wasn't too bad.  Rosemary, glad FIL is getting some relief.  I know with Wully's epidural it was trial and error and the doses were adjusted a few times to get a happy medium.  However, he had his fitted not long before he died so to be honest he was still on all his other drugs too including breakthrough.  Maybe if he had got it earlier it would have been more useful.  Helen, hope you have a great time in Blackpool and the hotel you picked is nice.  I hope Lynne is getting decent enough weather for her camping.

Right I am away to lie on the couch whilst the monkeys are watching their dvd.  Hope you are all well and sending you love and hugs.

Gayle xxx

Hi all, sorry I have not been around for a while. Have been a bit out of sorts with one thing and another. Also, I just made the promised trip to Ireland to take my MIL to see her nephew. That was a story and a half....

Picture the scene... I picked her up from home and travelled down to Holyhead to catch the ferry. Nearly at the destination we were caught up in a deversation aaarrrggghhhh.... I was so afraid we would miss the ferry (but we didn't). Next we had to traverse the car deck to get to the lift mmm...... why didn't I ask to be place nearer the lift?? When the ferry docked we took the lift back to the car deck and had to walk or should I say practically crawl at a snails pace across a very wet car deck. MIL was so nervous of falling and I had to reassure her that she would be fine. Now to find the hotel. Sat Nav assistance was fine but unfortunately it does not account for intermittent bus gates and it kept redirecting me. It took an hour to find the hotel. OK so now there is nowhere to park the car whilst we book in. I dropped MIL off and said she should go into the hotel and book in if she wanted or wait for me if she preferred and I went to find a car park.  On return to the hotel I was told that MIL had had a fall... omg. I ran upstairs to find her in her room and in tears. She had fallen down a barely visible step on the corridor (one which I myself tripped over on my way). A lovely young couple helped her up and came back later to see if she was ok (how thoughtful). Of course she refused to go to the hospital. Anyway, next day we set off for Westport a 4 hour drive. Numerous stops along the way her knee was becoming more painful and it became obvious she was in need of assistance. We stayed with her nephew and after a sleepless night we decided that she had no choice and took her to the hospital. No permanent injury but blood in the knee joint and a possible sprained knee. So we came away with a knee support, a walking frame, the xrays and a letter for the hospital here.  Thursday we went to Knock which is a holy shrine. I gave her no choice, I went and borrowed a wheelchair for her so that I could take her to see it all. When we went into the church she burst into tears and I did the very same. It was very emotional and I feel that we made a connection in our grief. Friday we set off home. 4 hour drive to Dublin, and hour wait for the ferry because it was delayed. 3 and a half hour drive from Holyhead to Leeds. I actually arrived home at 11pm last night.  (One more thing off my 'to do' list). I have actually done very lottle else but cry over the past three weeks and I can't seem to drag myself out of this deep dark place. Oh I laugh and have a bit of fun but hey, I can't let the family see just how miserable and alone I feel. There are so many nice and good things happening within the family it just does not seem right to be so miserable does it? Anyway......

Welcome to Gayle and Temple.So sorry you find yourselves here but everyone is amazing and give lots of support as and when needed.

Big hugs to you all, I have read all the posts but will just send you all a great big (((((GROUP HUG)))))).

Love and angel hugs x x x Patricia x x x

Oh Tricia, what a carry on!  Glad you could enjoy some time away though, even through the tears.  I would love to see Ireland someday, having family in Wales we have visited there a bit but Ireland and Scotland I would love to properly tour around and see, more than other parts of the world.

Just got back from the in-laws, things much the same there I think he is getting some releif from the epidural and sis in law is managing to juggle medications to try and improve things but the most of it is that I think they were expecting complete releif from the pain or at least a vast improvement and as we all know things don't seem to work like that.  Heather (sis in law) actually went back to her flat last night, which is good as I should imagine she was ready for a break, she left all the medication ready with written instructions but when she arrived at nine her mum proudly announced she had given him everything, the red pills etc Heather queried that as the red ones are night time and the blue are for day - oh now she was assured he'd had the blue ones too!  Overdosed and a bit drowsy but he's ok, bless them both.  They both went shopping yesterday, leaving him tucked up in bed and dozing, they were only gone 2 hours (I wish they had given me a shout I would have sat in for them) but he needed the loo before they got back so took himself there, had a dizzy turn and fell over into the bath - he hasn't told them that - he said he managed to drag himself out and got back to the loo but couldn't move from there.  He told them he had only been there about 5 minutes but I wonder how long it was, apparently there was a bit of 'clearing up' to be done as well, poor chap.  So I left today giving them firm instructions that they either call me and I can sit with him or I will do the shopping (although I think they both need to be able to get out sometimes) or we could do it online for a big stock up. 

Talking of shopping I had better pop to Tesco's whilst they are open and stock up a bit, my friend from the Isle of Wight is over tomorrow and we are meeting for lunch, so I might not get time for boring stuff tomorrow.  Hope all is well with everyone, big hug to you all, especially our new penguins, take care xxxxxxxxxxxxx

Hi everyone

I haven't been posting much as I find it so busy going back to work, September and June are so very busy and this year we have so many new students, it is impossible to keep up so I have been spending several hours there on Sundays which is getting very tiring. 

I have had a busy week, Monday was the funeral for my friend's SIL who was only 50.  That was sad and I was ok until they played the couple's favourite music, that did me in and I found I was drained afterwards but I am glad I went, another first.  My group on Thursday was good, some ladies from my first group, some from the retreat and a few new ones but I think we are a good group.  We stayed almost two hours longer than it was supposed to last because we were all talking and enjoying it.

Another friend and I took the friend whose SIL passed away out for dinner on Friday as it was her birthday, that was also fun but I was pretty tired by then.  I have to tell  you about my cat wrestling on Friday!  Friday morning I noticed the cat was acting strangely and guessed he was having a sugar low, he is diabetic.  So I hand fed him baby food and he seemed a little better but when I phoned the vet he suggested I go home at lunch and check on him.  The cat was not himself when I got home so I decided to take him to the vet.  I chased him out from  under the bed with a broom, of course there is no one to catch him on the other side so that went on for half an hour and I finally threw the mattress on the floor and scared him out from under the bed.  Quite a workout on my lunch hour and the house looked like someone had come in and trashed it!  Cat is fine now, we are cutting down the units of insulin and will have another blood test in a week or so. 

Today I have started moving living room furniture around once again, I think I have moved it 5 times in the last year, can't decide what I want any more. 

Some advice please?  Dan's anniversary is coming up next month and I don't know what to do.  I know I don't want to be at work that day so will take a sick day but I don't know that I want to sit here all alone either.  Our Thanksgiving is also coming soon in October and that was when he collapsed from the chemo and was put on the ventilator, my SIL has invited the family to Ottawa for Thanksgiving but I don't think I want to go there.  So I need some suggestions on what to do with myself on those dates.

Sending lots of hugs to all, special ones for Manda, I know this is a tough time for you.

Hi All

 Patricia what a time you had , didyou enjoy the trip apart from all the mishaps ?

Glad you had a good night Gayle and well done on the packing , the move will soon come round , i cant believe that this is the 2nd time you've managed to do it in just over a year , dont get to run down hun. Rosemary , what a worry for you and your family , i hope Fil gets some relief drom his pain soon and thank you for the lovely text .

Bren i really wish i could give you some advice on what to do for the anniversary , as you know i had to work so i decided to do something 'positive " to help "take my mind off things " and do the display in the hospital and do a collection for Prostate cancer but when it cam to the day i couldn't do it and my crewmate had to take over , i was full of good intentions but you never know how your going to be , o would like to say do something nice with a freind but you probably wont feel like it , but i would say try not to be on your own all day , sorry i'm not much use , i'm the other penguins will be a better help than me . Hugs to you and Amanda and Lesley who are fast approaching the anniversaries too xx Helen i hope you've had a good time in blackpool ..

Well i'm back from my camping trip , i must be mad i've decided and you'll probably agree with me lol . The first night i was so cold and couldn't get warm all day either but another girl who was just camping on the sat night bought me a extra sleeping bag and i was a lot warmer sat night but it started raining about 9 sat night and never stopped , although we had a big gazebo to sit under i still managed to get wet through and muddy and putting everything away this morning in the rain is no fun . I should have been going on a 7 mile walk today but i might be mad but not that mad lol i wimped out and came home . I couldn't face coming home at tea time today and have to start with emtying the car and drying the tent etc , so my tent is packed away now till next summer and i will be a fair weather camper , any hint of rain and thats it i'm out !!! . Anyway i'm looking forward to my nice hot bath now ..Hope everybody is ok . not be long for London

love and hugs

 lynne xxxx

Evening girls

I don't think I could give any better advice to you all than that given by Lynne.  So I won't even try...........So I'll just send some comforting (((hugs))) for you all xxx

We had a lovely week away - good weather (well just one day of rain), beautiful cottage, wonderful scenery and all so laid back.  We've come home refreshed and ready to carry on.........

Whilst we were away I found a lonely looking penguin in a charity shop - so I 'adopted' him and have named him Peregrine!!!  A companion for Percy/Penelope....They sit side by side on my desk dictating my letters...........

Love and lots more ((((hugs)))) for you all

Dot xxxxxxxxx

Lynne, I am glad you have enjoyed your recent trips (or is that just a front?). Anyway, at least you are getting out and about.

Dottee, how lovely that you and Alan enjoyed your trip. It is good to get away isn't it?

Hugs to everyone who needs them. Especially everyone coming up to significant dates. Remember that we 'penguins' are thinking about you even if we are not online.

Love and angel hugs x x x Patricia x x x

Hi everyone, looks like we are really busy and/or a bit low at the moment...

Bren, I am the same as you - I have no idea what to do to get through the one-year mark. Some differences of opinion and a few hurtful comments from a few sources, but hey ho... I've decided that the only opinions that count are Hayley's and mine so will just do whatever feels right for us.

Looking forward to seeing everyone in London, and in the meantime, I'll have the pleasure of lovely Lynne's company (along with a group from the other site) this weekend in York - yay!

Sending you all big hugs and much love... Manda xx