My husband died in my arms on the 2nd May (2009) - what happens now?

HI all,

Because I only recently found you, in the past I haven't had somewhere to 'go' when I feel so awful.  So you guys are getting it all now. 

I don't know why today - it is a beautiful day here and last night I was up the road at a friends and tonight I have been asked to join other friends for supper - so I know that I am lucky in that respect, because they know that weekends are my hardest time, and are wonderful to include me - but it all feels so 'false'.   

I want to scream that I don't want to 'dip in and out of other peoples lives', I don't want 'be included' in others lives, and I know that sounds so ungrateful and mean and I really, really do appreciate their love and support. 

But I had a life, I had a wonderful life with a wonderful person and I want it back.    I can't imagine ever again feeling that I have a 'life', I feel that I am just living. 

Am going to go and wash my face, try and repair the damage because apart from you guys I don't think anyone understands, and it sounds so ungrateful.  So I will put on some 'slap' and hid behind that.   

I hope to be back later, by which time I plan to have given myself a kick up the rear, appreciate the sunshine, appreciate that I have friends lovely enough to ask me to join them on a Saturday night. 

Today is a WMD day - not weapons of mass destruction -

Waterproof Mascara Day

Love to all Judi  xxx

Judi - we understand.

((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((hugs)))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))

we just want back the husbands that we had before this evil monster took them from us.

              perhaps we should set a new trend!

enjoy your evening

Sue x

Judi, I know exactly what you mean. Hope you have a nice night all considered xxx

Like WMD!!! Will have to remember that one lol!!!

It is so unfair but I suppose we don`t really have much choice now do we??? Make the best of what we can!!! Easier said than done but we owe it to our other halves I think xxx

Sending hugs ((((())))) Helen xxx

Hi Gang , Well Judi i could have wrote your post , i know i'm lucky in so many things but i've been feeling so low today and wanted to scream , i darn't even say what i did but i felt better afterwards , well after that and going to the cemetery for a hour , clearing everything off , putting 5 bags of soil on it and then put everything back on again , cant wait for the bench on monday , Sue i dont need internet connection fixing up there i have my dongle and mobile so i will take pictures and post on F/B from up there , just cos i can he he . HElen i hope you manage to sort Pauls ashes out soon ,  i dont know what i would have done without the cemetery to visit . I was talking to a lady today and she said , oh my dad has told me about you visiting your husband , think i'm getting a reputation but i do talk to everybody up there .

A big hug to Patricia , hope you've got through the day ok . Ailsa have a good night with your son , Fiona and Gayle i hope your feeling better now .

Lynne xxxx

Evening girls - just whizzing by to leave you all some squidgy (((((((((((hugs))))))))))))) to comfort you all..........Love and more (((((hugs))))) Dot xxxxxxxxxxxxx

Dot, hi

how are you both?   How's the preparation for the walk going?

Hi everyone.  Tonight has worked out well for me after all.  I am feeling very anti-social these days.  I feel just like you do Judi - like I dip in and out of other peoples lives but my own has vanished.  I was looking forward to seeing Stu & Suzi tonight because I haven't seen them for more than a week.  Stu has to be up for earlies tomorrow so they have just left.  I have to admit I am glad of my own space again.  I'm not sure I can explain it but in the past month I have tried to do a few normal things - camping, going to my sisters, having a very long, busy week at work - but all I really want to do is hide away in this house.  Everything else is too hard because Chris isn't here.  I don't want to be the third person all the time.  A friend came to see me on Wednesday and I love her to bits but after she had left I vowed I would stop telling people what I was thinking because they just don't get it.  I also realised that I had been surpressing tears for weeks because there was always someone nearby.  The more time I spend on my own the more I can cry when I want to.  I am enjoying having time to go to the cemetery everyday as well.  My breathing is better this evening and I think it is crying and visiting the cemetery that has helped to calm me down a bit in a wierd way.  Who knows anyway - it's just what I think.

I'm glad you are enjoying your new car Helen.  I hope the church get things sorted out so that you can bury Paul's ashes very soon.

I think I am getting a rep as a cemetery 'elder' as well Lynne.  My blue van is fairly obvious.  It will be 5 months on Friday since Chris died and I can have the kerb and headstone put on his grave at 6 months from his funeral.  That will be the 12th November which is my youngest daughter's 22nd birthday.  I am away for the weekend the day after and the following weekend for my sisters wedding.  I am anxious to know what the timescale is for the kerb and headstone going on so I need to speak to the stonemason I think.

I hope you are okay Patricia (((hugs))) xx

Hello to everyone else.  I hope you are all okay.  So sorry for being such a misery guts.  I'm off to do the ironing - I know how to live!

       Ailsa xxx

Hi Sue - I feel like a real old moaning minnie (apologies to all minnies out there - I'm sure you don't moan like me!!) - I'm fed up all round!!  Mostly with this site - but I've made my feelings known and won't keep going on about it!!!  I seem to have come a bit unstuck recently - just moody and tired - one may be causing the other.  It feels like a roundabout I can't get off!!!  I suppose I'll get over it eventually!!  Walking has been a bit hit and miss recently - I'm not too concerned as I know I can do the distance - but I also know I need to get a bit more 'training' in..... Alan has a sore throat - but has been to doc's straightaway and got some anti-bs............We're in the first batch of patients at our surgery to go for a flu jab next month.  I think it's just the ordinary one - not the swine flu yet....we'll have to wait and see!!!!

Evening everyone

Sounds like many  of us are having low days today. Really haven't wanted to do anything today, it is not just that the girls are away so it is quieter than normal but it was at these times when they go to there dads (normally every couple of months) that me and Liam really made the most of. It was just nice spending time together and I miss him so so much. Sometimes I just wish we could turn the clock back, even if were for just one day. Had a bad start this morning when his crossword book came in the post. I bought him a subscription for his birthday as he loved doing them almost to the end and it just made me so upset knowing that he will never be here with me again.

Talking about our dads, mine just amazes me I really don't know how he copes so well, it would have been their 45th anniversary yesterday, but he tackles things so positively. I just wish I could have his strength he is a tremendous support to me and i am so lucky to have him near by.

Helen hope you can sort Pauls ashes out soon, mums ashes are in a churchyard just opposite dads house and its lovely knowing they are so close and we can still be so close to her. Have yet to make arrangements for Liams ashes so keeping them here at the moment.

Patricia really thinking about you today and hope your coping ok. Big hugs to you.

Ailsa hope you are manging to relax a bit and enjoying your time with your son tonight.

Hope tomorrow brings better times.

Debs x

Sorry Sue - I forgot to add on your (((((((((((((((hugs)))))))))))))))) Dot xxxxxxxx