So hard

Hi Spirit!

Can relate to what you have written so much. Three years in and I still feel exactly like you do. Some days I feel I can I can take on the world but then that is very short lived and the next day I am back to square one and just want to hide away from the world.  As much as I love my wee dog some days it is just an effort to walk him too. I just go as far as the corner of the street with him some days and just let him do what he needs to do and then its as quick as I can get back in the door again. Yes everyone just seems so busy and its coming into this time of the year when I hardly see any of my neighbours- I hardly see them now year round anyway but the autumn/winter months is when everyone is inside with the shorter days and longer nights. I wanted to `go` with Jay too at the beginning but I now realise that there are people here who I still need to live for so I am trying my best to navigate and live round the grief but as your heading says it can be so hard at times. The grief still comes in waves especially when I see my little grandaughters progressing through life the oldest just turned 6 years old last week and her little sister is 1 year old next month and Jay is not here to see them and I get what you say about the isolation sometimes the silence is deafening but on we plod one foot in front of the other and just a day at a time. Take Care.

Vicky x

All I can say is that his is a crappy journey with very few ups and many downs, the longer they are gone the more we miss them it seems.  However I must say you are so worthy, I have read your posts to others who are new to this site and they are full of compassion and empathy gicing great advice and giving others earlier in their journey some hope that they can get through this too and that is really worthwhile.  Finding out who I am without Grant is almost harder than losing him some days I don’t recognise myself and others I’m full of fight and determination, I hope you find some peace and please continue to post we are all in the same shitty boat!

Oh Spirit , I hate to see you in such despair. You aren't alone feeling that way. It's hit us all hard . I don't sleep well. And then when I have had a few hours eventually afyer listening to Boring facts on You tube . I don't want to get out off bed in the morning. But I know I have to see to the dogs , so I make myself. Once I am awake I can't lie there for long ,cos' I just go over the same thoughts in my  head , Regrets , Guilt and Sadness . You sound so very lonely. I meet people in the Park . Two other Widows who I chat with. And the odd conversation with strangers in passing. Sometimes I have a little chat with neighbours in passing . But as the nights draw in there won't be people about the same . Those thought of yours I feel myself. I thought I was doing a little better , but feeling more depressed again. I lost 15 kilos after my Hubby died . But have gained it all back eating too much chocolate . I eat it when I can't sleep. And I need to stop it . I don't want to gain more than I was before the loss .  I wish we were able to talk . You obviously need more support . Have you tried joining some sort of club ? I was going to yoga once a week with my sister but since the yoga teacher left and the one taken over has almost doubled the price we 've decided not to go anymore . We will look for another class . It was the only place I went besides shopping and walking the dogs. Not that I feel like going out. Certainly not to a pub or cafe . You aren't wothless . Some day we will start to feel a bit better ...I hope . Everyone tells me it gets easier . In time .  Do you have any hobbies at all ? Or think you might like to try something new . Crafting or even painting can be very relaxing and your mind is taken to a peaceful place . A bit like when we are gardening. You don'r have to any good at painting or drawing , you will surprise yourself how much you can improve anyway. Do look at joing some group . it could make a big difference . Sending you a virtual Hug . Cx 

I am the same with the weight, I lost 20lbs but it's all gone back. I looked and felt much better without it. I don't cook now, just eat whatever is quick and easy. There aren't really any classes or anything locally, and I don't drive. I do a bit of crafting but it's hard to motivate myself lately. I keep brooding on why so many people don't make contact now, why I seem to have been left to get on with it. I really thought people were our friends, but clearly they weren't. They were all concern when David was ill, but nothing now. I feel angry and hurt. I feel that I'm living a lie, pretending to be ok. Not one person realises how I really feel. This situation opens your eyes to how selfish and uncaring people can be. I want to feel better, but I'm not sure I can do it on my own, and I don't know where to find help. I sound so pathetic don't I? People used to say how strong I was when I was caring for him, I wish I could find that strength again. I suppose he was my motivation, now there doesn't seem to be any. Thankyou for the virtual hug, real ones have all dried up now x

Just had a random wee bubble to myself in the shower of all places. Just standing there and the tears came but don't know where from. I think I must have had little subconcious thought about Jay or something else and it just triggered it. Good to get it out though and I feel a little bit better just some family stuff going on again and I just feel useless and worthless that its not something I could fix but I know it will eventually be fixed and when I'm like that I say to Jay I'm sorry that I wasn't able to help whoever it was be it William or the wee ones or my sister or daughter in law when I told him I would make sure they would all be ok and ask him to help me out from wherever he is. Spirit I think that is just the way of it once you lose someone. Everyone seems to be more wrapped up in their own lives and I agree with you there. All the friends Jay had have all just more or less vanished into thin air even the ones who said to me `if I needed anything` etc etc but I think you know at the time its just all talk. People he knew for years and would do anything for and they have just all dispersed. Such as life I suppose. Take Care and yes big hugs to you.

Vicky xx

Hi Spirit,  I haven't been on for awhile and like you I am discovering who are my friends and who are not! I feel very much the same, all the first anniversaries have passed even Roger's funeral a year ago yesterday. I was thinking of those that were there how many are in touch now. Even family members to a point, I feel very much alone. People really don't know what to say to me and it is hard, I feel very disconnected from everything and everyone. Roger was my backbone, my support and my better half. It is such a struggle at times.

I know a work colleague found a Counsellor through her GP surgery, which I am also thinking about and it may be worth a try for you too. In my local Library there are coffee mornings, a bereavement cafe, there may be from these groups more points of contact? Not sure if there is a local Macmillan face to face group even or if some of us from the forum could set up a meeting? It is sad that we have to go through this alone, the forum really helps and takes away some of these feelings.

Thinking of you and sending a virtual hug x

Hi Roly, I did start to gather interest from people who wanted to meet, and I think we did manage one zoom meeting. Then I had a lot of health issues and struggled to arrange anything else. We are all quite scattered too. No reason why anyone else coildnt have a go at arranging something. 

Was it here that someone mentioned finding your tribe. Ive tried probably everything in my lical area, some OK, some not for me. I did join the widowed collective as they have regional groups and we organise our own events, moving around the area so everyone gets chance to attend one. 

Im in danger of repeating myself but I came away for the weekend to  Warners by myself because it was the annivesary of Tonys death and I couldnt face being alone. It was OK. Good music, Ok food, company and activities if you want it, space if you dont. I would do it again. 

I also listened to Karen Sutton on loneliness, thats worth a listen. I had to sign up for it but it was free. 

Xx if you are finding today hard x

I think it's really hard accepting that nothing in life will ever be the same again. I spent time with my best friend today and it was nice, but all the time my heart aches for David and I know I'm only pretending to be having a good time. Whatever I do I just wish I could be with him. Nothing feels right any more, but home comes closest. 

Karen Sutton is 10 years on from losing her Husband . She has been training other Widows to do the Bereavement counselling. And is going to cut back on some of the time she spends doing the courses etc. She is still doiung the Podcasts though. Did you see her video telling her members and followers that she doesn'r feel like she is a grieving Widow now . She's been in a relationship for many years and has decided to accepted her Partners proposal of marriage. I've listened to a few of the zoom meetings with Karen Sutton. But missed most of the free weeks  meetings. they might still be available on her Facebook page .I keep meaning to look.                 I'm glad you enjoyed the weekend away to some degree. Well done for getting the courage to go it alone.    Yes ,there was only me and you onthe zoom meeting you set up. It was difficult to gety on ,with your guidance I managed , but the othger Ladies who were interested didn't manage it.      I hope your health has improved since then. This grief is very draining and I think the stress we feel at times does affect how we feel. Cx 

I think we all feelthat way. After being with the person we chose to spend our lives with for so long ..it is really difficult to get used to being alone . After 18 months I still don't know what I'm going to do without my Hubby. And iI am the same , everything I do I think about him. Wishing I could just pop in and he will be there . I don't even feel at home in this house yet . Nothing really gives me any Joy anymore .