Does anyone question if they did the right thing?

I think this is very usual and it's very hard to find answers that will satisfy us. Even two years after my husband's death, I have no clarity about the cause of his death as I was given conflicting information by the doctors at the time and the health trust has not given me access to his medical records despite repeated requests. I think we are not given sufficiently clear information about what to expect following treatment, and although we are told to contact oncology triage, if we do it too often we are made to feel that we are making a fuss so we delay. Then we blame ourselves for the delay. It's sh*t and I'm sorry you are going through this, but you are absolutely not alone. 

I question my actions or perhaps lack of them in some stages all the time. I blame myself for not seeing the signs. Of course I knew my Hubby had been ill for a very long time. He had a lot of Health problems. We had asked to see a Specialist about his lungs , and requested oxygen for him to use at home. This was refused because they said he wasn't bad enough. His breathing had been laboured for at least a year  , with infections every month when he would have to swap over to his Emergency Antibiotics. I knew his immune system was really low and nursed him at home ,always worried he might pick up another worse infection if admitted to Hospital. With me nursing him at home ,he recovered from double Pneumonia. And besides his Lungs being Shot . He had a Heart condition. I could see he was getting weaker and hoped with plenty of rest he would pick up. He hid a lot from me . Not really telling me how bad he was feeling. Besides all this he had chronic pain from a Spinal injury after an accident 46 years ago. So it was difficult to tell exactly what was happening and how bad he had become. I feel I let him down. I had cared for him for decades. Giving up my job to care for him full time. But you never really think they will Die. I feel guilty that I didn't get him into Hospital sooner. Every day I think I could have done more , and no matter what my family or Friend tell me I can't accept that perhaps he could still be here . And even after almost 18 months nothing can convince me that I did enough to stop him leaving. Also I think we put too much faith in the medical profession . I know they can't perform miracles , but they do appear complacent at times ,believing they know best. Nothing finding the answers to what we question is difficult to cope with. This Guilt on top of missing him desperately is very difficult to deal with. Your last sentence is exactly what my family have said to me over and over again. And so now I keep my thoughts to myself . Because they really don't understand. 

I think you are far from alone in pondering such questions. And, for myself, I certainly have  many related questions regarding my wife's final few days.

I actually tried to escalate those questions a couple of months after the death of my wife - and I think I did my best. But - what then? Nothing will bring her back - it's finished.

I think I pursued the questions after my the death of my wife mostly as a point of principle: I owed that to her as a duty of love. And, in addition, I hoped (and still do hope) that lessons might  be learned in order to prevent similar things happening to others. But, who knows?

For those of us poor souls left behind, I don't think pondering the "what if's?" actually helps at all. But it is inevitable.

I send everybody here my love and best wishes.

I still maintain had the oncologist who saw Jay had arranged some post chemo or radiotherapy after his operation other than saying it wasn't needed had done so he may just be here today but instead whatever was obviously still there was left to fester and return even though they assured us they had got it all. You put your faith in the medical profession as these people are supposed to be the experts and at the time you don't question their advice as you assume they know what they are talking about but sometimes now I wonder and now on hindsight I just wish I had the courage to speak up but too late now. 

All this you wrote about makes me so angry. Why don't we push more ,instead of accepting what we are told? I feel I let him down just as much as they did. I felt like I wasn't able to do anymore. And just Shut down. I was in denial . And it's just so finalist it? It's too late now. We can't go back. But don't feel there is much to look forward to. Feeling hopeless, desperately sad without him. Where is the light at the end of this Dark tunnel. I was supposed to be having talking Therapy yesterday over the phone after waiting over a month. The appointment was cancelled. They called me early in the morning to rearrange and offered me 9am next week. I said I couldn't manage that , mainly because I'm not good in the mornings. so now I have to wait another month . Feels like a waste of time. The last time someone rang ,nothing was achieved. I can't even remember the person saying anything helpful. Just some questions. If it's going to be once a month and I feel nothing at the end of it what's the point? Where do I go from here? Just plod along trying to focus on jobs in the house and garden. Is that going to help me get through this horrible time? Just have to take one day at a time and go through the motions ,in the hope that something will change . I hope others on here feel more positive than me.