I lost my husband suddenly and unexpectedly to a large saddle pulmonary embolism and undiagnosed kidney cancer 3 years in December. He was just 53 years old and my life fell apart. This morning my mum died of kidney cancer which was diagnosed 3 months ago. How cruel is it that my mum died of the same cancer that my husband died off though he never knew he had cancer. My wish was that my mum didn't suffer too much as was scared that she would be in pain. Life is so very cruel and her death has caused a massive trigger. Now going support my dad.
I am so sorry to hear about your husband and mum. It must be very difficult to know that they both had kidney cancer. My husband was diagnosed in March last year with kidney cancer, and gone by August. It was very fast, with few symptoms. It is such a cruel disease. I am sure you are doing all you can to support you dad. Sending hugs, Kate. Xxx
Thank you for your reply Kate..I'm so sorry that you have lost your husband to this awful disease. My husband had a few signs but put it on the fall that he had 20 months previous. He was due to have a CT scan but suddenly collapsed and died the morning the scan was due. My mum was only diagnosed 12 weeks before she died. I never even heard of kidney cancer before. I hope that you are having lots of support big hugs xx
I hadn’t either. We always hear from about the other types of cancer, not kidney. Pre Christmas 2023 I noticed he had lost a lot of weight very quickly, but no other symptoms apart from a strange taste in his mouth. Very odd. Minimal pain. I am fortunate that our son and daughter are still at home. We also have our lovely border collie, Jack. We were married for 36 years, but together 40. It has been the toughest 14 months I have ever known. I have had to fight daily to survive. Basically, I am trying to build my second life. This will take time, I don’t feel a need to rush. As long as we have the house, pay the bills and have each other I can do it. The rest will evolve naturally. Your poor dad, I bet he is really struggling. Sending hugs, Kate. Xxx
Aww so painful this new life is..we were married for 25 years and knew each other for 31 years. Like you my son lives at home though he did move out for a year but home again. My husband had lost weight and had bad night sweats but only the month before. He was still working the day before. This grief is now part of us like a constant companion. I made some new friends who also lost their husbands around the same time as me. We often meet up and have been on holiday together. They get it so you don't have to put a mask on. So sorry that you are going through this as well. So shit. Take care and big hugs xx
Thank you for your understanding. I am struggling tonight. I have shut down again. I could do with meeting more people in the same situation, but I don’t know where. Kate. Xxx
Oh Kate, I’m sorry you are struggling again. I hate this damn merry go round. You think you have got a hold on things, hanging on for all your worth, things are slowing down, heads not spinning or quite so dizzy. Then that merry go round kicks off again and things start spiralling and you start getting dizzy. Feel sick and scared and no-one to hold onto to make it stop.
I got talking to a lady in our cafe who we have known for a few years. We knew her husband had passed away a few years before we met her. Turns out her husband had neck cancer which they thought had been beaten after radiotherapy. Then it came back in his tongue and had palliative chemo which he stopped after 2 rounds.
We talked about the horrific radiotherapy burns he and my beautiful Valen had. Skin literally falling off, leaving painful oozing sores for weeks. We were both angry that no one, absolutely no one had warned us about this distressing side affect. We were told about loss of taste, feeding tubes etc, but not the burns. She opened up about how she still misses him and cries unexpectedly even after nearly 5 years. How she hates the Cancer Research ads on tv. How she still sleeps in his p.js.
We are going to meet up outside of the cafe as she said she hasn’t talked about it so openly for years and she appreciated talking to someone in the know. Did us both good.
Morning Kate have you tried the sue Ryder chat because that is where I made friends with some lovely people and we meet up regularly and go away together. Also on Facebook is the widow and walking group which is good as lots of people all over the country who arrange walks. I'm in Norfolk. Keep taking one step at a time. Xx
Sorry to hear you have been struggling Insanity Kate. Although my husband didn't have the same cancer, he did have a rare one and I think it makes it harder, I had never heard of sarcoma before he was diagnosed.
Does you local authority or county have a carers group that also supports berevement? Mn does but I don't know how typical that is.
Someone on here mentiond a website called Way up, for people widowed in their 50s/60s and there is an area for those younger than that. Its very safe and private as you have to go through some checks to join, but you can then search for people in your area.
I am still very new in this nightmare, not had the funeral yet, and I'm full of cold, hardly surprising, so feelng pretty rotten. All I find myself saying is "Its s**t", pardon the term, but, well it is! Apoogies if that offends anyone.
I guess keep chatting is good, at least we are amonst people who understand.
That’s how I often describe it too and it says it all …It’s s**t so it doesn’t offend me in the slightest.
24 weeks now and I have found some things that have worked for me and some that haven’t. Some things help me through the day more which is a massive progress from where I was in the beginning not going out, not eating properly, definitely not cooking, not shopping to any extent and difficulty in sleeping. I struggle with the word Widow for some avoid using it and often if from filling or similar just put married.
I’ve been twice to various bereavement meetings looking for help and hoping it would help me but I’ve just come out feeling more depressed and think I can’t do this anymore…
So for now Im not going to them but please seek help and advice and see for yourself if it’s something that can help you personally. I’ve never been one for enclosed spaces and coffee and chats anyway in my life so it’s not for me at the moment.
The way up or the one for over 50 whatever it was I contacted the wrong group via email and got told I needed the other group for the over 55 which pissed me off slightly so I was still looking for help and support and still am. I am having grief counselling each week which suits me and I feel comfortable with that support.
Your life will change considerably so to yes it’s s…t. x
