Newly bereaved

Malengwa

I am soo sorry you are having this pain my husband wanted to be at home we tried for a week but he was screaming in pain in the middle of the night begging god to take him all I could do was hold him crying saying I'm soo sorry. They couldn't get on top of pain so we went into hospice which again until he was fully sedated they had problems getting pain under control to watch my darling suffer and be agitated was and is horrific I am 5 months and I am sorry to say it is no better but I do have councilling and just take one day at a time some days I cry all day another time I can be with my grandchildren and for a second feel happy but in the next second i know grandad is not by my side and I am alone he was soo funny with the children I listen to the whatasp he send them full of knock knock jokes makes me smile while crying. My only advice is selfcare shower eat what you fancy and drink water the start is exhausting you are like a zombie but after when it is quiet you are left with the sadness keep talking x

Hi. You do keep going, as there is little choice. You are keeping going. The additional advice I would add is to let people look after you - accept support offered. 

You will be in shock. Even though you anticipated it, you can’t prepare for it. Your mind will need time to catch up and process the loss. My goal was to organise the funeral and wake. Somehow, I managed to do this. Call on any help you can get. I literally took it 5 minutes at a time. Power naps, eating, crying in between. As you know, the exhaustion is horrendous. Like trying to wade through treacle. You are stronger than you think. Sending hugs, Kate. Xxx

Hello Malengwa

First of all my condolences to you on your loss and so sorry you find yourself here. We're a good bunch though and its a good place to come to when you feel you need to. Your head will be all over the place just now and everything will be very raw.  I am over 2 years from losing my husband to bowel cancer in June 2023 and there are still days I can't comprehend that he is gone. So much has happened in that time that he's not here to share with me and some days I wish he could come back for just one day to tell him. There will be a lot to keep you occupied just now with admin and funeral arrangements going on so that maybe some sort of distraction for you and I agree with you it can be exhausting. Everything just now will all feel a bit unreal too as if it has happened to someone else that's the way it felt for me anyway in the early days I still imagined he would come walking back through the door and it was just a mistake. My husband wanted to pass away at home too but in the end he was just too ill  and too weak and developed sepsis four times and that along with his terminal cancer just finished him so in the end he had to be admitted to hospital where he passed a week later. Like your husband he deteriorated so quick. He became bedbound at home and there would be days he would be sitting up in bed scrolling through his phone or watching TV and then in the next two weeks he was gone. We were together for 40 years and it was a shock to system not having that person by your side any longer  after having him there all that time. He passed just 7 months short of his 70th birthday. I still get days/weeks when I wonder `what is the point` but I just go with them now and they finally leave and I can continue to try to move forwards. I send my best wishes to you moving forwards. Take Care. 

Vicky x

Malengwa,

 I am sorry you are now on this crap path,

At first it's just minute by minute, then hopefully 10 minutes,  it's hard I am afraid there is no magic wand. You have to try and look after yourself, try and eat, drink plenty of water if you are crying a lot you will get dehydrated and sleep, believe me I know these are hard.

If you have support,please use it. Rant or rave on here it helps, I am afraid we will understand.  Remember this is your grief journey, so do not be bullied into how you should act or feel, do what is right for you.

Please look after yourself and take care.

Thankyou  for your replies. I plod on, the funeral is starting to come together and bit by bit I'm letting organisations know. Its a pain that they all have different ways of dealing with it.

I sobbed today when I got a letter saying he was awarded CHC...on the day he died.

I can't bear to get rid of his hospital bed from our living room, it is exactly as it was whenn they took him away.

I can't even begin to think about going back to work, I know in time, it will be important to me but, not yet.

I'm home alone this week, finding it hard. I have lovely neighbours who take me out as I don't drive. I struggle to sleep. I don't want to eat, I do try to.

People tell me I'm brave. I don't feel brave nor do I want to be. I can't bear the thought of the rest of my life without him. 

I understand what you are going through, it is truly savage. When you at your most vulnerable, you have to find more strength from somewhere. The funeral arrangements, letting friends and family know, the legal side, it is endless. It is exhausting emotionally and physically. Do you have anyone that could stay with you for emotional support ? Would you want them to ? It is extremely hard to do this on your own. I didn’t care about being brave either, I just wanted to try and get through the next few minutes without going nuts Sending hugs, Kate. Xxx