Looking for support from people who have lost their partner

I was 39 when my 47 year old husband died too. How sad. Especially as you’ve got a baby. I’ve no idea how you’re functioning! 

My husband died 27 weeks ago. I still can’t believe it and I’m definitely still operating on autopilot. 

Have you got support around you? People who you can speak to and open up to? X

I’m so sorry for your loss, it’s just so unbelievably hard isn’t it, I’ll be honest I have no idea how I’m functioning but it must be because of little man and my dogs but I’m just about doing the bare minimum

yes I do have a network but I still feel very isolated and lonely with my emotions and there’s not a lot anyone can do or say and I wouldn’t know where to start 

I did try and start counselling earlier in the year but I must have got someone I didn’t get on with as she didn’t input much and expected me to basically ramble for 45 mins, I’m not sure counselling is supposed to be like that? 

thank you for replying x 

I’m the same as you. I don’t know anyone personally who can relate to my loss. I find this forum useful but I know we all experience and cope with grief differently, so even that feels isolating sometimes. 

I had counselling when my husband was diagnosed, to cope with how significantly life changed and to acknowledge that I knew the inevitable was coming, but I can’t bear to talk to a professional at the moment. It seems too raw. I’m just focusing on getting through one day at a time and all the horrendous ‘firsts’ I’m experiencing without him.  I’m very reliant on antidepressants now and I’m not sure I’ll ever come off them. I’m not ashamed of this as I know they help me get through the day. I probably come across as a total zombie (or perhaps heartless) but they help, so I’ll continue to take them. 

Where do you live?  Do you have a Maggie’s centre near you? I’ve been debating going to the one near me on the Wirral, but I’m not sure what to say when I get there. 

I’ve been on antidepressants for multiple years now, I’ve never understood the stigma to them, some people need them for short periods, others for longer and it shouldn’t matter what people think.

im in derby so there is a maggies in Nottingham, it wouldn’t be totally difficult to get to but yeah, what would I say when I get there? I just want someone to tell me it will be ok and that things happen for a reason but I’m really struggling with that, I’m not a religious person in the slightest 

Emmaroo said:

Do you have a Maggie’s centre near you? I’ve been debating going to the one near me on the Wirral, but I’m not sure what to say when I get there. 

As I mentioned above, going to Maggie's has helped me - so definitely give it some thought. As to what to say when you get there, I'd suggest just to ask to speak to one of the staff members, explain what's happened to you and your husband (which is never easy, I know), and then ask what help they might be able to provide.

In my case, the outcome was that I was enrolled in a series of group counselling/discussion sessions, along with six other people. And I think that the Maggie's people who organized the group must have considered its make-up fairly carefully: we are all of a similar age; we are all in the position of having lost our partners; there are about equal numbers of men and women; and we all seem to get on very well.

By now, the 'formal' group sessions have long finished, but we now consider each other as friends and are continuing to meet up for various social events, to talk things over, and to support each other. So, thinking back to the first sentence in your reply above, the group has provided me with people whom I do now know personally, and who can relate to my loss. And that has been very helpful to me: prior to that, I was largely just festering on my own, with thoughts swirling around in my head.

None of this 'fixes' anything, of course - and you might find that such a thing is not for you: we are all different. But I think it is definitely worth a try.

I send you my love and best wishes.

I relate to this too. I’ve always thought that everything happened for a reason. Especially meeting my husband, so his diagnosis blew up that theory, and my life. How could there be purpose in him not being here anymore?  How could his daughters be better off without their Dad, their hero?  It doesn’t make sense. At best I feel numb. Other times I’m just angry, hurt and lost. I don’t cry much anymore - I assume that’s the antidepressants numbing that particular emotion, but I occasionally feel guilty for not crying every day, like I hear other people do. 

Jeez. Life eh!! What on earth is it all about?! 

Thank you so much. I don’t know why I haven’t gone. Perhaps it makes me feel vulnerable but it’s lovely hearing how much it’s helped you, and allowed you to meet people who understand what this hell is like. I will stop making excuses, or continuing to plod, and I will go. :-) 

DoOneC, so sorry that you find yourself here on this forum. It's a good place to pour out your feelings and get reassurance that you're not alone in how you feel. I totally get the feeling of not being motivated to do things. I was like that after my wife, Lin, died 4 years ago, as I felt I had lost all confidence in doing anything or making decisions. Over time this has improved, enough for me to get my bathroom replaced and have an extension built. It still takes me a while to decide on things, but it is slowly getting better. I had bereavement counselling from our local hospice and found it a great help.

For comparison, I am retired and 70 years old.

Take care.

Derek

Heya I see this post has got active again.

I'm so sorry for everyone else's loss. It really is an awful thing and I'm still on the journey, as expected. 

I have started counselling at St Luke's which is a fantastic hospice here in Sheffield that looked after my wife. I have only had two sessions so far but it's been very beneficial as I'm understanding that what I'm doing saying, feeling is all normal for grief. 

I still struggle with day to day chores and work is incredibly difficult because I have zero motivation, thankfully they are very understanding and have offered me a few choices to ponder which will reduce my hours a little and I can choose which route to go down rather than been told I have to do it. 

Christmas round the corner now too which doesn't help. First one alone just the two of us, I also lost my Mum on Christmas day to cancer 11 years ago, so it's a difficult time.

I have never heard of Maggie's so I will look into this

My thoughts to our to each and everyone of you. Keep going 

Hello there!

As everyone here is saying sorry you find yourself here and it's somewhere most of us don't want to be but here we are. Just keep coming here when you feel you need to because we all `get it` and are a good support for each other. I lost my husband to bowel cancer in June 2023 so I am a little bit further on than you. All you are saying about finding the motivation to do anything is normal and all part of the grieving process. Its very early days for you so everything will feel so very raw at the moment. I am just about 2 and half years in and I still feel like this some days. Some days I still wonder why I am getting out of bed but I just do. My husband passed as I said with bowel cancer after being in remission for only 5 months and the 2nd time it decided it wasn't leaving without him. He fought it so hard though and took everything they could throw at him until he couldn't take it anymore. Four bouts of sepsis finally finished him though. Just take things one day at a time just now and hopefully you have a good support network of family and friends around you to help you and your little girl through all this. Things will feel so very surreal at the minute. I can't tell you when things will get better because everyone grieves at different levels but you will know yourself when you feel you are moving on. The first year is the worst with going through all the `firsts` without your wife. This 2nd year for me has been that bit harder but that's me I don't know how everyone else feels because as I say we all grieve differently. Look after yourself and your little one and as I said just come here when you need to. My best wishes to you moving forwards. 

Vicky x