Loss of my soulmate

It is hard and it won't get better quickly. But the pain and the shock will eventually numb. Did you do enough? Absolutely you did: you loved her and cared for her and that allowed her to die where she wanted. Don't underestimate how much being cared for by a loved one is different in its intimacy, gentleness and loving kindness from the care given by a stranger, no matter how kind. Will you enjoy life without her? I can't say: I too can't see where future joy in life will come from. The closest I get is digging my allotment and planting vegetables. Take care of yourself. 

Hi, Like everyone else I am sorry for your loss.

 The guilt I am afraid we all go through. I to looked after my wife at the end  even though we did not know it was the end. I was talking thought heavy tears with my grief councillor, about how guilt I felt Because I was her husband and my job was to look after her and protect her and I failed. I did my best got the medication ready etc. I tried everything I could think of to keep Sue going. I promised her kittens when she got better (we lost are cat last February). Got tickets for events in the future books to read. Sue did not survive her first chemotherapy.  Sorry rambling any way I got told I did my best and I am not a medical professional. So I should not feel guilty but we still do. Hopefully in time it will fade. I wish you the best and take care.

Thank you for your kind words

Thank you I know time will help 

I am very sorry to read your post, and nothing I can say here will help. But you are not alone in your feelings: this is just a horrible position to be in.

I think guilt, pondering the "what if's", and wondering what you could have done better are all very natural reactions - and I have all those thoughts myself. But objectively I know that they don't help, so I try to tell myself to avoid them.

My wife died about seventeen months ago now. We were together for 38 years, and, like you, only had each other.  I am now just lost.

On this:

Scoot475 said:

however i just cant see me enjoying life again without her

I recently read the autobiography of the guitar player Wilko Johnson, since I wanted to understand how he had coped with - and reacted to - the early death of his wife Irene, and then his own diagnosis of terminal cancer. One sentence from the book has lodged in my mind, namely: "Life without Irene was just time to be passed." That is such a profoundly sad thing to have written - but I know exactly what he means.

I haven't got any answers here. All I know - and what I tell myself - is that we have a duty to carry on and try to live good lives, in order to honour the memories of those we have lost. But it is very, very difficult.

I send you love and best wishes.

Hi!

Sorry for your loss. I think we all ask that did we do enough for our deceased loved one. I used to question myself about this too. My husband passed just over 18 months ago we were together for 40 years. He fought bowel cancer for two years and at one time going into remission when they cut his tumour out in January 2022 and as far as the surgical team were concerned they got it all but it unfortunately came back just 5 months later. After that it was a downward spiral with aggressive chemo more or less causing him kidney damage and which was then withdrawn completely and after 4 bouts of sepsis and his advancing cancer it took him in June 2023. While his spells of being at home mainly bedbound I used to feel like that too that I wasn't doing enough for him although we did have the district nurses homecarers and physios coming in. He wanted to be at home too for his final days and wanted to pass here but in the end up between the sepsis and advancing cancer he was just far too weak for anything to be done here to at least keep him alive. He seemed to `ralley` for a week or so near the end where he more or less looked as though he was back to his normal self but after that he just became worse than ever. 

We were the same and just had one another. I am a bit of an introvert and don't have many friends and he was a very private person too so think we were well suited. I feel I am just starting to come to terms with him being now gone but still get my dark days/weeks and just learn to go with them now. Some days I still can't comprehend that he is gone. So much has happened that I want to share with him or talk to him about but he's not here now. One big event he missed was our son's wedding last month. He was determined he wanted to be here for that (it had been 3 years in the planning) but of course cancer had other ideas. It was a lovely day but for all of the people that were there and all the chatting and mingling I did I just felt empty. 

I can't say to you how you will feel in the future because everyone grieves at a different pace and for you it is still very early days and still very raw. Just over 18 months for me and I feel I am now beginning to move forward. I say moving forward but unfortunately I now look after my older sister. She has learning difficulties and just two months after my husband passed she too was diagnosed with very early stage bowel cancer. She went in for her operation in October 2023 and got the tumour cut out and has gone on to make a good recovery the irony is though 6 years ago she also had very early stage breast cancer which she also beat and just recently they found she has a leaking heart valve and will now need surgery for that. So I seem to a `regular` at hospitals just now. Keeps me going if nothing else.

For you though things will get easier is all I can say and you will learn to live with your grief and hopefully not live to it. My best wishes to you moving forward. Take Care of yourself. 

Vicky. 

I so feel your pain and guilt  I lost my partner of nearly 18 years on Christmas Day at home. He was my soul mate and best friend.  He spent 3 weeks in hospital before having a week at home. I spent all day every day with him the. I start questioning did I do enough,  did I lay with him enough and talk to him enough.  I dream about him alot and they all same dreams that he is ending the relationship and I wake up feeling cp then feel crap all day because can't touch him or talk to him or see his face. They say a part of you dies when a loved one dies and its so true. People say' I can't imagine ' ..I think no you can as u still got your partner then feel all bitter and negative cos everyone else is happy and u locked in this immense pain. Traumatic and so so unfair  

My wife before she passed had a conversation with me about moving on and was adamant i live a life after her. I know its early days but even now if i go out a walk and dont think of her the minute I return home and see her picture i feel i have betrayed her by not having her in my thoughts

That sums it up very well part of me has died that will never come back and just keep getting angry at why everyone is going about their normal days when my wife is no longer here

Thank you for your kind words Vicky and i wish i  could just go to sleep and wake up in a year and hopefully things will be different but know life is not like that and just take it day at a time