Sudden death

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My husband died suddenly and unexpectedly after he collapsed. The post mortem said that he died of a large saddle pulmonary embolism and kidney cancer which was in both kidneys. One being 12 cm and the other 4 cm. Both had breach the capsule. This was such a shock as my husband was working the day before. He was 53 years old. 20 months previously he had a 3 metre fall which I am convinced that trigger the cancer. My husband did have some signs which was masked by the fall. My husband just started having tests and was due a CT on the Thursday. My husband hated the doctors and hospital and had just started a new job. He had appointment at the liver clinic on the Tuesday so I tried to move his CT scan appointment forward to the same day as his liver appointment but they couldn't do it. They offered the Sunday and I accepted as I didn't realise it was urgent referral. It was changed by 3 days and I never thought he was going to die suddenly. He died on the day the CT scan was due. I have never felt so much guilt in my life. I interfere and feel like I killed my husband changing his appointment. I keep thinking if saw the blood clot and removed it he would still be here now having treatment. So sorry for the long post and sorry that you are going through this.

  • I don’t think we will ever forget the day it happened, they put him in the bed and put my fluffy blanket over him, he looked so peaceful and well. I put that blanket round me now, it gives me comfort as well. I know every death is hard but I wonder if the trauma of what we went through is making it harder for us to move on. If I’m out on a Saturday I’m ok, if I’m in the house it still hits me. I do think it’s getting better with time, nearly 13 weeks. Xx

  • I used to have to spend Wednesday night and Thursday morning with my sister as I couldn’t bear being on my own at that time and if I had fallen asleep I’d wake up screaming. 
    My poor sister and brother in law!

    Now I can go it alone. 
    And don’t wake up at 4.45 screaming.

    I do wonder if the suddenness, the horror, the medics, the unexpected though expected, the trauma does make it harder to let the nature of his passing go.

    Because we had planned for his home care. 
    We had planned for him to pass peacefully at home.

    My beautiful Valen planned so much! 
    His funeral. 
    His care. 
    His finances. 
    He even cleared out most of his wardrobe and arranged British Heart Foundation collection. Which was for 3 days after he went.

    So why didn’t the way he passed go as planned. 
    But I am thinking this less. 
    And trying to focus on the fact that he didn’t have to put his poor weak body through chemo. 
    At least he was out shopping, slowly but out, 2 days before.
    And most importantly he knew I was with him till the very end and that I love him.

    xx