Coping with bereavement in a foreign country

Hi Fifinet 

I think as time goes on we still keep questioning if we could have done more. It sounds as though you were very organised writing down everything and the en relaying to Barry.

It would have been more tiring as you were extra careful because of the language 

I live near Barcelona Spain so was following up in local language which was Spanish or Catalan.  I was always keen to get updates and summarise but the consultants wanted my husband to speak more as he was the patient.

He was Spanish so there was no language barrier but he had brain cancer and sometimes couldn't follow everything. Neither did he want to know life expectancy or worst outcome. I think the consultants always tried to be thinking of the next steps. 

I have lived here longer than in England now, 35 years so fluent but have a terrible accent still! 

. I get what you are saying though, even though you have good French when it's critical information in a foreign language you can get stressed..

That happened to me particularly when my husband had the first massive seizure at home and I had to call the ambulance. Fortunately my son was staying those days, he is half Spanish and  he called. 

The doctors were kind, they say in Spain and probably elsewhere when you have something very serious the public health service is best. 

It's 14 months since my husband died, so also like you in the second year. It's tough wherever we are

Take care xxx

Hi Fifinet

I think regardless of our situations we all look back and question how we managed the situation whilst we were nursing our loved one through their treatment and final journey.

For you, and daybreak2 you are both doubting your understanding of your second language. Yet, I am sure you got everything correct at the time. And the doctors would have picked up on any mistakes if they were adversely affecting the treatment. 

I never had the language problem but, due to the sheer exhaustion and effort needed to talk my husband simply couldn't get the breath to converse with doctors and would ask me to do it. This was especially hard when it was via telephone due to COVID restrictions which affected any outpatient appointments or me not be allowed to visit on the occasions that my husband was hospitalised so I couldn't speak to doctors face to face.

Like you, I also kept  detailed notes including who said what, when, medication etc

Yet, I still question myself... Did I fight enough for him, did I explain everything as succinctly as I could, did I get it right?? 

I still beat myself up that I never demanded to stay longer than my 2 hour permitted (COVID) visiting slot when he was in the hospice for the last week of his life. I had to don PPE enter via a backdoor that led directly into his private room so I never saw another patient. But I was still limited to 2 hours a day! Consequently, I wasn't with him when he died. I feel so guilty because that afternoon he had  asked me to stay and I reminded him that I wasn't allowed. I should have refused to leave his bedside.

I so wish I had the chance to apologise to him for not being  with him to hold his hand.

Take care of yourself, sending hugs

Mym

Hello Daybreak 2 

Thanks so much for this. Just reassuring. I have read your posts before so I know a little bit of the history. Do you have friends and a good support network there ? It is hard I find to speak about our loss to people. It varies. Some are surprising. Some you didn't think cared come up trumps ! Happened to me yesterday with a genuine offer to visit them. Not far either. The time goes by but our loss is real and always there.

Have as good a day as possible

Hugs are there.

Hello Pooka

Many thanks for your great reply. Like Daybreak 2.

I am the same as you at the end. I wasn't there. I saw he was failing but the doctors didn't tell me to stay or to explain further what would likely happen. Barry was lucid but not in pain. He was just angry and the doctor asked me why  ? I thought it was that he was back in his worst hated hospital where it had all been badly treated many years ago. He had a horror of this hospital. The reason was that it is the closest to our home. This was all so upsetting for me that I left promising to come back the next day. Barry said he might be dead by then. I will n ver forget his eyes following me as I left the room. He died peacefully they told me the following morning. I did go to the hospital as promised to see him.

This is all about the understanding of the language and asking the questions. I am sure I did but it is hard.

You understand.

Take care 

Hugs 

Hi Fifinet 

Thanks for asking about my network here. 

I have my colleagues at work, it's a multi national so a mix of nationalities plus locals. I have been at the same company over 20 years now, then my daughter who lives at home and a couple of friends in the village I found a local widows group as well and we meet up once a month and chat in WhatsApp to share if we are feeling down. Can be a Monday as that's when my husband passed away. 

I also like checking this website and Way Up. Here you can share any thoughts, and feel an easy and understanding companionship

I am trying to do new things and keep active so there's always something on the horizon . I probably am still in denial mode but it keeps me going .

Hope you are doing OK and nice to get an invite from friends 

All the best 

Heather 

Dear Fifinet,

My husband was French and died 5 years ago. I have been living in France (today in the French West Indies) for about 30 years now, so I  speak French fluently. During my husband's illness, the problem was, therefore not the language. When Gilles was diagnosed with cancer, we were in Tahiti where I was teaching. He idd the first part of his treatment there but when the tumour grew back again as if there had been no chemotherapy, we were advised to return to France. I suppose the doctors knew the end was near.

What struck me once back  in France was the lack of humanity and coldness in the hospitals. In Tahiti, we were treated with kindness and warmth. At one point, we had actually thought of going back to Tahiti But, Gilles' family was in France and, although, they couldn't do much to help, as they weren't living in the same area, I think they proviided some comfort. it was hard not having any of my family around.

I also did most of the talking, arguing, fighting with the doctors I think it relieved Gilles of that unpleasantness He did communicate with them but I took on a large part of that role, especially as the disease progressed, of course. Don't beat yourself up about the language part of it. I'm sure you understood everything you needed to understand. There was nothing that you missed or could have changed, unfortunately.. I do believe that even if you were dealing with this in English, you, too, woulld have had the main "interlocuteur", as they say in French.

Once Gilles died, I felt the aloneness  and loneliness of being in a country that was not really mine I could not stay in France "Metropole" without Gilles and opted for the overseas departments. I"m a teacher and need to stay in the French system now. I have been back several times to France, especially to "visit' him / the grave. I cannot imagine living there without him. We lived in Perpignan near the Spanish border and were always going off to spend weekends in Spain. Life would be too painful there. At least, here, it's a  clean slate with no memories attached. it was, though, our dream to come and live here.

It's a long, hard journey, wherever we are and life continues to push us onward. All i can say is,  take care of yourself and continue to do the little things that bring you comfort, as temporary as it may be.

Sorry for the missing punctuation. When I'm writing, it's so small, i can't see if the full stop is there or not. Grr.

Hello 

Sorry I hadn't replied to you before now ! What you said was so true and even about the coldness sometimes of hospital staff in France. I found that.

I hope you have as best as possible Christmas. It is only one day !! I always say it is the rest of the year we have to cope with.

Thank you again.

Keep strong.

Hugs too