Guilt, Grieving and Moving Forward

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First I would like to wish you all the best possible Christmas under the circumstances that you are going through. It is just over 8 years since Jean, my wife of 52 years passed away, just prior to Christmas, and that reminds me of a little snippet that may bring a smile in hard times. When Jean was in the Hospice my 6 year old grandaughter asked me if Nana was going to die before Christmas. I said I don't know when God's angels will come for her pet. She contemplated this for a moment or two then said , "if she does die before Christmas will she leave a list of presents you have to buy for me" Ahh, the innocence of children, but I couldn't help but smile in difficult times. Three years after Jean passed i responded in this group to a young mother of two who had lost her husband a few months earlier. She was thinking of her future, bringing up two children alone, she was angry that her husband had left her alone and was thinking hopefully she would meet someone new. She felt guilty at having these thoughts and felt she was betraying her husband. Guilt and anger are symptoms of grief so she had nothing to feel guilty about really. I said to her look at life this way like I do, like a book or library of books, the first book is written, finished, not hidden away though but on the shelf next to Jeans photos. To be looked at, with love, full of memories, some good, some sad, but all memories of life with Jean. Alongside it is a new book, being written day by day, Jean is not forgotten and never will be, she lives on in my heart and mind, talked about openly with everyone, without feeling guilty at moving forward. It is very hard but our lives go on, With the help and support of others we can battle through and learn to live with our loss. Keep talking, helping and supporting each other and don't feel guilty as you move forward in life. Our loved ones would/will be pleased to see us moving forward with them still in our hearts and minds. 

  • Hello Eltell12

    I am sorry to hear that you lost your wife Jean, 8 years ago just before Christmas.

    Thank you for sharing with us some of your experiences and I am sure that it will bring some comfort to others.

    I love the analogy of thinking of life as a library of books. Talking, helping and supporting each other and not feeling guilty about moving forward in life is very true. I still think of my parents who passed many years ago- they do live on in our hearts and minds and as a family we still speak of them, particularly around Christmas and birthdays and at family occasions. Life moves on for us as a family and we have come to learn to live with the loss. It has been hard at times but I know that they would both want us to live the lives we are and that they are still very much part of us, if only in a different place. 

    I love that your Grand daughter at the time bought a smile to your face- the innocence of children. 

    Wishing you a Merry Christmas- thank you for sharing

    Jane

           

    Macmillan Support Line - 0808 808 00 00, 7 days a week between 8am-8pm

  • Thanks for the analogy of books, that really captures the imagination. 

    I can also think of my husband as such an amazing book, full of discovery, wit and wisdom, an encyclopedia, poetry, art gallery or music album which was the most complete guide anyone could desire. It sits there on our bookcase in all its  majesty but with so many blank pages at the end. It has an embossed hard cover and takes pride of place on the bookshelf.

    Now we are adding a paper back or two but could be interesting as we select using the criteria we learnt from.reading our master book.