I think I am probably one of the long-time members on this group. Certainly not the longest, but it has been three years since I lost my husband.
I have quietly marked anniversaries and birthdays, lighting candles in a variety of Cathedrals, Abbey's, Churches. I've scattered a handful of ashes in various places relevant to my husband. I've created no distressing scenes, no sobbing, no maudlin in front of others. Just me and my positive memories, quietly remembering the happy times.
But, it seems to others, if I speak my husband's name it has become a signal to promptly change the subject. Rarely, if ever do others speak of him.
Do they think there is a set time to grieve? Am I supposed to be 'over it'? Is it considered bad manners to speak of the dead once an acceptable 'grief period' has passed?
I remember three years ago when my husband died, the messages people wrote to Him, statements saying "We will never forget you.." or "Thinking of you every day and always will "
To me, they also wrote messages "Anything you need, just ask" or "Always here for you...".
In reality, I've realised that although they may have genuinely meant it at the time.. for them it's yesterday's news. Done. Finished. Sad, but get over it.
If only it was that easy. Grief is raw, grief is forever. We simply become masters at learning to hide our feelings, to say nothing, to tell no one.
You have to live it to know it.
