First day of 2023

Your children need to see your emotions so they know that it’s ok for them to show theirs. 

I have an 8yr old and an 11yr old. I lost my husband nearly 1 year ago. 

I spoke to my children at the beginning of December because I was just feeling this over whelming sense of sadness and loneliness. I talked about being sad about their dad but that they both made me happy. I gave them permission to be sad, or not be sad & to be able to talk about their dad anytime.

It’s important not to shield our children from our emotions because then they will bottle things up too.

I have felt a bit numb these last couple of weeks, finding it hard to feel anything at all. My son (8) has been very cuddly the last couple of days & every time we play a game he chooses to be green and always says ‘I’ll have the power of daddy it was his favourite colour’. This is his way of coping. My daughter (11) has been distracted with her nearly 2yr old little cousin who is besotted with her big cousin & wants her to do everything with her.

We are visiting family & don’t always get the chance to see my niece as much as we have these last few weeks. It’s nice but exhausting because I just feel like I want to be in my own but also be there for my children. 

Hope this helps in some way 

Thanks for reaching out, sorry for your loss.

I have two girls 11 & 8 so same age as your children. My husband was ill for 15 months and we were honest throughout and I've told them it's ok to cry but also ok to be happy.

I don't hide my sadness in front of them I never have as I like you feel it's important that they see me cry so they know it's ok.

Just feel guilty that all they seem to see is my sadness it's still early days for us though 6 weeks tomorrow. 

Life just feels so unfair it's such a cruel illness. I take one day at a time like I have the last 15 months but each day just seems to get harder.

Dru and Edinmum, your experience is truly heartbreaking, not only dealing the your partner's loss but bringing up young children on your own and supporting them. Thinking of you and wishing you inner strength.  

My husband had been unwell for about 10months before he was diagnosed with a rare & incurable cancer. It was so hard to detect & was only found when they operated because they thought he had a blockage in his bowel.

He had some chemo to try & slow the cancer down but the Dr had no way of knowing if it was helping because nothing showed up on scans. He then got a blockage in his bowel & that was when they knew nothing was working & it was only a matter of time. It was 11 months from diagnosis & 3 months from when the Dr told us there was nothing more they could do. He died on 9th Jan 2022.  

Like you we were honest with the kids which was heart breaking. We are so lucky that they have access to a pastoral care teacher at school who helps them with their emotions. The kids school has been amazing with them & also with me as an employee. 

We had to wait 5 weeks until the funeral. My parents stayed with us. I remember crying when I told my kids & when I saw him for the last time but then I don’t think I cried until the funeral. I just felt numb. 

We are a busy family & I am often so busy I don’t have the chance to deal with my emotions. Just in November I got back in touch with Maggies (they’d been helpful during the diagnosis & treatment) and started seeing a councillor. I’ve met with them every 2 weeks & it has been helpful to talk to someone. In January I’m going to start attending the support group run by the same councillor for bereaved parents. I feel this has really helped me grieve as I don’t think I had allowed myself the time to do this properly. Maybe you have something similar nearby? 

it is hard dealing with your own emotions as well as your childrens. I don’t think my son (8) has cried. When we told him about daddy not going to get better he was really angry with the Dr & couldn’t believe they were just going to ‘let daddy die’ as he put it. My daughter was really  quiet but when I told them that he died she did cry but not since. They saw him the day before he died. I think he was aware even though he wasn’t awake because there were a few people who came to visit him in the hospice (we were restricted because of Covid) and the nurses said they thought he had a few days in him from what they were seeing but he died overnight. I think he wanted to be alone & he was content that everyone who was important to him had been to say goodbye. 

Thinking of you & your children. 

It must have been awful for you not knowing if chemo was working as not showing up on scans. My husband's cancer showed up on scans and waiting was hard enough for us. So I can't imagine how you must have felt.

When my husband was diagnosed we were told it was the best and most curable cancer to have, he had been ill 3 months before diagnosis. He had been to the GP but they just kept telling him it was IBS. Luckily we had medical insurance so we got another opinion.

He had 6 cycles of chemo, the half way scan showed most of the cancer had gone. Once finished we had to wait 6 weeks for a scan to see if it had worked. But after 3 weeks he got symptoms again and he had a scan at 4 weeks which showed the chemo hadn't got rid of it. We then waited 3 weeks for a biopsy to check still the same cancer this came back inconclusive.

So they did another scan and decided to do 3 cycles of intense chemo, and he would have an auto stem transplant. After 2 cycles scans showed it was still there but they were confident the last cycle would clear the rest. After another scan we were told it hadn't and that he could no longer have the transplant as you need to be in remission.

The next step was one round of intense chemo followed by CAR-T therapy this is where they take his cells send them to America and they put a special gene in them that they put back in a month later and they attack the cancer.

He had another biopsy as the treatment was funded but had a four week wait. Then he had his cells harvested he was in so much pain as he wasn't able to have any meds before apart from oral morph.

He had one cycle of chemo, then a scan and was due in to have cells put back in, early August the day he was due to go in we lateral flowed and he was covid positive  asymptomatic. He had only been to hospitals so clearly picked it up from there. A couple of days later we had a video call where we were told the scan wasn't good the cancer was in his liver and that even if he hadn't got covid the treatment wouldn't have worked. We were told nothing else they could do and he only had weeks to live. However, his local team wanted to try one more chemo we were told have hop but not to much as all text books say it won't work.

He had 2 long days of chemo over 2 weeks and he was so poorly, week 3 scan and it was good news most of the cancer had gone we could see the sans and were amazed. A week later he was in hospital in London having CAR-T 3 weeks in he was the best he had been in a longtime and they were getting ready for discharge. Unfortunately he got sepsis from an infected picc line and ended up in ICU for a week. He slowly got stronger, had a scan and then we were told the devastating news that his cancer hadn't cleared it was  worse and that we were looking at days. We managed to get him back to our local hospice in 24 hours because of train strikes we wanted him home.

2 weeks later he died in my arms in our local hospice.

We've had lots of support from them and they call me weekly to check in while I am waiting for counselling.

My 8 year old has started wetting the bed and is hiding it from me, I think she needs to speak to someone so when the hospice calls I will ask them to do some therapy with her.

Life is so cruel, and the pain is pain like I've never felt.

I'm struggling to put one foot Infront of the other most days.

Like you my girls schools have been amazing they also have really good pastoral care which helps massively.

I just can't see how I will ever get through this.

Wow that sound so intense & difficult for you all. 

My husband had been at GP as he’d had stomach problems for a prolonged period & sometimes when he ate it was so painful & he was very bloated. All blood tests were normal, he had scans which were normal & he even had an endoscopy & colonoscopy but report said nothing found. 

He ended up only having 1 round of chemo but it was very invasive. He struggled at first with the drugs he was given but after changing them & administering them over 3 days (a pump fitted so he could come home) rather than a few hrs it seemed to help & allow him to work. He hated being ill, not being able to do what he wanted. 

The plan was he would have a rest from chemo & then go again but he then got a blockage in his bowel which needed operated on so couldn’t do chemo & that’s when they realised the scale of the cancer & the difficulty they were facing. 

He was in a lot of pain but the Dr gave him a slow release pain relief that worked for him. He was his own worst enemy as he tried to ‘cope with it’ but Dr said he should be in no pain & she could up the dose as he was on a very small dose. 

Dr did offer him another chemo drug to try & slow the cancer & give him more time but he said no because he wanted to enjoy Christmas. Dr said it was a gamble but given that she didn’t know if the chemo would help at all then it was worth it. 

He was working up until 23rd December (his own business) then we had a relatively good Christmas but he struggled from Boxing Day. He reckoned it was his own fault as he ate too much. 

He wasn’t great that week but really went down hill from 2nd Jan. This week is a tough week for me. All the ‘last time’ memories. Like today being the last time he said goodbye to the children knowing he wasn’t going to see them again. I remembered we all hugged & cried together. 

There are challenges every day but I know he wanted us to live our lives. He wanted the children to be the best versions of themselves they could be. I try to keep it all together but some days are more difficult. We have great friends who help out with lift shares from the kids so they can continue with their sports & activities. 

it’s the little things like knowing if I don’t get dishes done before school then he’s not there to do them for me. Everything was a partnership with us so it’s like the other half of me is missing. 

I can’t believe it’s nearly a year. In someways it feels like yesterday but in others it feels like he’s been gone for so long. 

I keep going for my children, I don’t want to let them down. 
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