On 10 October, only 11 weeks ago, my wonderful husband and soulmate Chris died at the age of 59 from small cell lung cancer, only 25 days after diagnosis.
Everyday of our 28 years together was filled with love and laughter. All our friends always said they'd never met a couple so deeply in love.
I am heartbroken. I'm not sure I can get through life without the one person who loved me so deeply and made me whole.
I have great friends but it doesn't stop the overwhelming fact that I am now alone. I am existing in a life that I don't want. My dreams shattered and an empty future ahead. I feel scared, lonely, anxious. I could never have imagined that at 45 I would find myself without my Chris.
I spent Christmas with a friend, her partner and her father. We shared moments of sadness but also some laughter. But now I'm really struggling. Three days of what seems like nonstop crying. I'm trying to keep busy but distractions are not helping.
I don't know if it's reality sinking in that I'll never see Chris again, never feel his touch, his kisses, never hear his voice or his laughter, never hear the words "I love you" from the man who adored me.
For Chris, I try to have the strength to carry myself with the grace and dignity he did so effortlessly. Chris is the love of my life, the light in the darkness and his love, our love, will carry me until the last beat of my heart.
