How can l carry on without him?

Hi ArthurD

l totally understand where you are coming from, except myself and Pete even when he was struggling would do his best, except it was me making the tea most of the time. l tried to cut the grass on a patch of land that we rent next door to us last week. The petrol lawn mower was a pain, pull start which l have always had problems with, but Pete was always there to sort it. l gave up in the end and just sat and cried  as he was not there to help me, l miss him like crazy. 

People talk about firsts and I'm my ignorance I thought yep birthdays etc will be horrific. Then I went with my son and his girlfriend ( 23 and line with us) to buy stuff to paint a room. Managed to get everything checked with the assistant I knew what I was doing for in the car and son was driving and I cried for an hour. Never bought paint without Adrian. So I found it was everyday things that were the hard firsts like not buying his food bits in the shops. I'm only 9.5 weeks into this nightmare and it's so tough. I've started writing to Adrian in a notebook everyday and that helps x 

Maybe get a different mower that you find easier to use xx

I am  not a gardener, Gill was passionate about gardening, that doesn't mean that I didn't garden, far from it, but I was supervised.  To be honest constructing stuff like decking or fencing I was very happy to play, but resented the many hours spent digging, pruning, weeding and mowing.  That was until the first cancer diagnosis, at that point you realise that it's the time spent together that really counts, not what you are doing.  Where do I start? What's the difference between a fuchsia and a dipladenia, where do you buy them from, when do you plant them (everything has died).

Gill was fond of lists, she left me a planting list, well two A4 sheets - always wondered why we spent so much time in garden centers.  I went to the nursery that she was particularly fond of, turns out she had been going for years long before she let me in on the secret.  The chap started by asking how Gill was, that wasn't a good conversation, his wife had survived breast cancer 15+ years ago (so it's nice to know that there is hope for some) so she and Gill had common ground.  Anyway he said come back mid May and bring a trailer, I pointed out that the Land Rover has a very big boot, he laughed, Gill apparently would make several trips a week for plants and soil and I am going to need 12-15 bags of soil just for the baskets.  Now I know where all our money went 

Soo missing the supervision, the humor, the talks, even the garden centers - well the cakes and coffee to be honest

Hi, isn't life unbelievable? like you say it is not just the first birthday we miss ect. I am quite pathetic at the moment in almost everything l do is a first without Pete. How can life be so cruel? We all know that one day we will all pass on but it is the way we pass on that is the nightmare, and it is a nightmare. The way my darling Pete  final weeks and particularly his final 2 days were ,you would not have let an animal suffer the way he did. That is something that will stay with me and our sons for the rest of our lives.  But that does not change anything, we are here and some way, shape or form we have to try to exist. Sorry if l sound pessimistic but that is how l am at the moment, but that is me. I just hope and pray for all of us on this community that in some small way we can help each other. As we all know that it is definitely not a happy time for any of us.