Travelling - bitter/sweet

Hi everyone

Today is going to mark another first.  Jassim passed away in Dec, around the time his illness really kicked off and I was travelling to the UK with Jassim for treatment, my mum fell and broke her neck (my mum lives in Cyprus) I have never felt so torn in my whole life, she went through a terrible time, we were forced to put her in a care home for a couple of months until she had recovered enough to go home, thank god my Aunty also lives in Cyprus and was able to and did a fantastic job of helping to get my mum through this time.  But it didn't help how I felt, I am an only child and my Dad passed away 7 years ago, I should have been there but obviously I couldn't I had to be with my husband and rightly so but.....  I haven't seen my mum since covid, Jassim was trying to make me go before we traveled to the UK but there was no way I was going to leave him.  This is going to sound awful but my reasoning was Mum will be okay, she has her sister there but my husband is dying I need/have to be with him and get as much time as possible with him, we certainly didn't think the time period was going to be as short as it was,  So today I am flying to Cyprus to see my mum, I woke up this morning in a terrible state, so many thoughts running through my mind, so many tears, trip to the graveyard to see Jassim before I go, packing, closing up the house, making sure the kids have everything they need.  Yesterday I was starting to get excited but today I'm dreading the whole journey, its not that I haven't traveled solo before but he's not here anymore, realising we will never travel together again, he will never go to Cyprus again, he will never see my mum again.  My head is just all over the place.  I want to see my mum, I need a break from this country (I live in Kuwait) and all the inheritance crap and family feuds so I can come back and tackle it all with a clear mind.  I know I need to put my big girl pants on and get on with it, I know its another first that will be crossed out, I know I'll be fine and get through it, I know that Jassim would want me to go, but knowing all that just ain't helping right now.