Medication difficulties

1. Grief is an awful experience takes you to the edge it does, but at some point you start to fight it, but it happens at different times for each of us, just hang in there your time will come you will be ok.

Thanks Jayne, the phrase “takes you to the edge” is, unfortunately, so accurate,

I do hope that one day I will feel capable of facing life, preferably not alone.

keep safe & well

Keith

We were luckier than some and got an estimate of two years - wasn't far out as things turned out. Gill was an adventurer and we crammed in as many adventures as time allowed, you know the sort of stuff, feeding humming birds in Jamaica, swimming with dolphins ........  Anyway the piper needs to be paid, tens of thousands in debt secured against the house, means that I will have to work at least until I am 70.  Work gives me a routine, if you call designing control systems, writing the software, and then traveling around the world commissioning the darn stuff as work.  It's the weekends and evenings that cripple me, yes at work my mind wanders, even at work I can be found crying into my keyboard, but most of the staff have been away (working) with Gill and myself so have some idea of how close we were.

The house though - I will never do it justice, riddled with cancer Gill still climbed on top of the kitchen units every week to dust, hoovered every day, and damp dusted in places that I don't even know exist.  Then out into the garden - tending, tending what !, no idea, but most of the plants have committed suicide I'm just hoping that it's winter and that they will come back.  I do remember visiting garden centers for weekend after weekend, filling the Land Rover with trays of plants every year, but a lupine could be a laylandii to my engineers eyes.

Family have said that I need to visit the doctor for help, I suspect that they have contacted him on my behalf as i got a call from him the other day out of the blue.  Yes things are getting worse, but the hobby that Gill encouraged was clay pigeon shooting - and to be honest it's a few hours every month with our youngest taking the P***, missing clays, a brew & bacon sandwich.  Get a diagnosis of depression and the gun license will be whipped away in a heartbeat, along with the guns, never to be seen again.

Can't believe that I have said that we were luckier than some, certainly don't feel like a cancer diagnosis could ever be described as lucky, staring down the barrel of a gun for two years waiting for the trigger to be pulled at any moment. Everything is relative I suppose

Hi Andy
It was lovely to hear of your adventures with Gill, such wonderful memories. Yes the quiet times are the very worst, unfortunately , being retired, most of my times are like this. I do see my youngest Son every 3 days for dinner and a movie, which is amazing, other family visits are seldom, due to family commitments etc. My family are supportive, but I honestly think they’ve run out of things to say, must be tough for them, when I pour out my heart in a text, but honestly don’t really expect answers, because there aren’t any. My Anti depressant has helped, going through a bad patch as changing meds, but really helped me cope with life, still felt the pain and sadness, but stopped being overwhelming. Also I don’t think DRs actually diagnose Depression, they just prescribe to treat it, so hopefully it shouldn’t affect your ‘Hobby’.

I built 6 planters for our back garden to help Linda, as she found it painful bending down to tens the plants. I fully intended replanting them this year, I have the list that Linda prepared for last year, but I only go into the back garden to cut the grass, so decided an alternative. Will use the planters to ‘bring on’ some perennials ( My eldest Son has a massive collection ) then dismantle the planters and plant the perennials directly in the ground. Will need less attention & maintenance than the annual flowers. Still feel torn about this decision, Linda so loved her planters and flowers, some changes are so hard to decide.

Bless you,

I understand where you are coming from l lost Pete in Oct 2021, l have not cooked a meal since he passed. Waiting for the days to pass until bedtime so l can really concentrate and dream of him. Yes l know l am weird , it is good that you have a new great grandchild xx.

You have the blessing of telling him all about his great nanny when the time is right xx.

I think that maybe you should get a second opinion on your medication, l suffered with depression from the age of 17 until 50. I had antidepressants that made me worse and my mum through them down the toilet. I am now on Citalopram and so was my husband Pete. You seem to be on a very high dose?

Hope it gets sorted for you, as you know they can help at times xx

I don’t much like the day time, just muddle through meals & TV, till it’s time for bed again, I was on Citalopram 20mg, but the DR thought Sertraline may be better for me less side effects, 100mg is quite normal for Sertraline, just suffering because of the change over. 
take care x

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