I miss him

Thank goodness someone else has put into words what is happening.  I got through the funeral and weeks afterwards more in shock than anything else.  Since then I have been in robot mode, wake, get ready, go to work, home eat and bed.  Can't concentrate, breaking down into tears, avoiding family.  Then a week or so ago the robot switched off, can't be motivated to do anything, getting up is pointless, having to force myself to do the simplist tasks. As you said it's the realisation that our old life will never be mended, after being part of "us" for so long being me feels wrong.  I don't know the new me and the old me from when I was a young man didn't have the life expieriences that I have.

Only 8 months in and Gills passing is still so fresh and painful, cant imagine another year will make it less so.  Can't plan yet, planning (plotting) was always Gills speciality, so just forcing one foot in front of the other, because giving up would so irritate my Gill.

Thank you for replying Andy131. I thought maybe I'd done the wrong thing putting how I feel out there. It's been 18 months people wouldn't want to hear it gets worse sometimes. I don't know how to function on my own, as you say it was always 'us'.  We were a duo, a team with so many shared memories. I do have friends and family but sometimes it feels like just me. I hear my Jim saying "come on you can do this" so I'll just keep taking it one day at a time

It was a year ago last Tuesday that my beloved died and as others have said I found the first year so very hard with all I had to do and take care of. We had no children ( not through choice) and so I find my self realising that now I just don’t belong anywhere. I miss him dreadfully. We did everything together and if something needed doing that played to  my strengths he’d be there making a cuppa and the same if it was his strength being used. This week has been a complete mix of thinking what I can do and what I can’t. It’s the weirdest of times. 

Oh, you’ve summed up exactly how I feel. We were together 46 years, and it’s 16 months since I lost him. We too were a team- supporting each other and just being there. I’ve found the recent weeks, or some days in recent weeks, as hard as those early days. 
I have no solution, no wise words. But I am more grateful than you can know to know that I’m not alone in how I feel, I’m not going mad and that there are others out there who, sadly, understand. Just what I needed on this dreary February morning.

Sending hugs and thanks

Jane

xx

you are  not alone in this , it has been  2years 4 months for me now, was married for 53years, i miss him more now than  ever, Still think he is going to walk threw the door, i even say it to my self T will be home soon.

I think like others have said, we go into pilot mode, at the start things to do, after the funeral, sorted shed, painted garden fence, work like i have never before, i had a job to do, think it is a way of dealing with it, but did not realise that at the time.

Needed him so much last year our daughter got diagnosed with breast cancer, was so poorly after a mastectomy, that all went wrong, he was my rock and strength but it was gone.

Does time heal, for me no others yes and i wish them all the luck in the world.

Take Care Ellie x 

Thank you Ellie

xx

Hi Andy

It was 7 months on the 17th for me, and your experiences are virtually identical to mine, , except being retired I don’t need to worry about work. I think we go into ‘robot mode’ as we know things still need to be done, but doing them without giving them too much thought. I have to admit to feeling a little more positive, on my old anti depressant, actually sorted my music collection on my PC, been putting this off for a very long time. But now I’ve changed AD, I have slipped back to how I was a few months ago. The Loneliness is the very worst, together with total boredom, I flip back and forwards between TV series, get anxious and try another, then try reading, or just lay down with my eyes closed, sometimes having an hour or twos sleep. My day exists of sitting in the armchair for 12 hours then in bed for 12 hours, I actually look forward to going to sleep, the only time I am not worrying about my terrible life and future, not crying, wishing my Beautiful Linda wasn’t still here with me.

my Linda was very ‘House proud’ and had a strict cleaning regime, The Friday and Monday jobs, which were the normal stuff, then Wednesday jobs were for less frequent activities, window cleaning, skirting boards etc. I did my very best to keep to this, occasionally if I was busy, she would put back a job to the following week. Having a clean home meant an awful lot to her. When she passed, I decided I would continue with the jobs, this only lasted a few weeks, then slowly, I skipped things, until now I clean the 3 toilets, wash the towels and bed linen, that’s about all.. I really want to keep our home as she loved it, but can’t find the enthusiasm or drive to do any more than the basics. I do feel guilty, maybe later I will manage better.

Hopefully once the AD settle in my system, I will get back to where I was, although that just involved me managing my new reality, didn’t offer any comfort or hope.

Found this posted on the internet, thought how relevant this is to many of us, as it is to me

She was not only my wife. She was also the one who would tell me if my socks matched; if my tie was straight, or if my hair was combed. She was able to tell me with one look if I was talking too much or saying something stupid. She was the one who would remember all the birthdays and special occasions, and all I had to do was sign cards. She was good at all the things I am not good at. So she complemented me and made me more whole. God, I miss her so much. I feel like part of me is missing.

keep safe and well