Today is the first anniversary of Nic's passing. It seems like only yesterday, but this past year has been the longest of my life waiting for and dealing with all of the firsts. Nic died on a Monday and every one, apart from Christmas and new year, was on a Monday so it was challenging.
I thought I'd be a snivelling wreck today, but instead have spent the day in quiet contemplation of our 19 years together, good and bad. I've achieved so much over the past year - Nic's probate, finalising his father's (he died 6 months before Nic) and sorting things out in the house and garage. Nic was a hoarder and when I went through the garage I found multiples of things - unbelievably 80, yes 80, screwdrivers, 20 pairs of pliers etc, etc, etc. Couldn't believe it.
All of this made me feel more connected to him than ever before as that was how he was.
I went to his grave earlier and put a lovely wreath and some flowers there.
Apart from the date of Nic's funeral there are no more firsts, so I'm now hoping to look to a future without him while still thinking about how he would want it to look. He was very sentimental and didn't like change, but I have to sort the house out and hope that he would have agreed with my choices.
I've been spending most afternoons in bed the last couple of weeks, but I'm now going to make more of an effort. He would be horrified at how I've been, and am, feeling. I often think how he would be if it was me who had died and I know he would be struggling as well.
I guess what I'm trying to say is that there is light at the end of this awfully long tunnel, however long it might take to get there.
Best wishes to you all.
Felicity
