Just lost the love of my life, how the hell do you handle it ?

Hi Paul

Firstly I will say how sorry I am to hear about your recent loss.

We all know that this is a group that none of us want to be members of because that means we have lost our beloved partner. But, I  think we all benefit from coming on here... sometimes just knowing that there are other people who truly understand the meaning of grief, loneliness, heartache, anger and yes, even guilt. 

How do we get through it? ... personally I always say we have to take it a minute, an hour, a day at a time. Take things at your own pace as and when you feel ready.

We are all here for whatever you need, be it practical advice or simply to lend an ear if one of our group just need to 'chat'. 

We can all understand the numbness and sheer despair that you are currently feeling. Take time to look after yourself in the coming days and weeks.

On a practical level, make a list of people/departments you need to contact and keep a note of dates, names and what they have advised you need to do. It's so easy to forget when you are grieving and causes stress when you least need it.

Keep strong

Mym 

Hi Paul I  can relate to everything you have said although Lynne and I had 35 years together, we hardly spent a day apart though and everything I did revolved around Lynne, so I too  had feelings of guilt I think it is just natural because of the deep love ,and in no way true, the lovely people on here have told me to just take one day at a  time which is all you can do, lynne past away in September and I feel exactly the same now as I did that day ,at this time I  can't see me ever feeling any different time will tell, I have booked some counselling not had it before so dont know what to expect but I think anything is worth trying, if it doesn't suit what have you lost, also keeping in contact with friends and familly can help even if you dont feel like talking to people it does occupy your mind for a while at least, anyway that's just my take on things everyone is different and cope differently, so all the best and I hope it gets better for all of us Terry 

hi,

I am so sorry to hear your sad news, we all understand what you going through.  You need to take each day by day and i suggest you to do something such as a piece of paperwork every day.

Please try and eat, you do need to keep your strength up (says the person who has dropped 2 dress sizes) although you may not feel like eating even 1 meal a day is a must.

It is hard and for you it is very raw.  This forum has been a godsend for me over the last 8 weeks, everybody understands what you are going through.  The emptiness is normal, as is not wanting to sleep in an empty bed (i actually don’t sleep in our room as that’s where Robbdied and I’m not ready yet)

If you have good friends and family then lean on them, make sure you open up, don’t bottle your grief.  

please take care and you will come through, i don’t know when but apparently the pain and emptiness gets less over time.  I actually have some days where I don’t cry as I’m trying to keep myself busy.

Virtak hug to you.

Glenis

Hello Paul and like the others have said I’m so very sorry for your loss. 

I’m now eight months without my beloved Gordon and following advice here and from counselling I have just taken everything slowly and carefully. 

I am only now venturing out to a local shop or park etc so don’t feel you have to race around doing everything at once. Just do whatever suits you and one day you’ll feel a bit better. You will learn to grow around this grief and I trust that like me you will be forever grateful that you held your loved one to the end.

June

Dear Paul,

I am so very sorry for the loss of your beautiful wife Sharon. And I am so glad your brother is staying with you right now and helping you through these first days and weeks without her. And it is very good that you have joined this forum where we all understand what you are going through; so many find it helpful to be connected here in this way and to people who really and truly understand the magnitude of what it means to lose the love of your life.

You have to take it one moment, one hour, one day, one step at a time. Don't force yourself to be in a place you are not. Remind yourself to be very gentle with and kind to yourself when the feeling arises that you should be somewhere else on this journey with grief. It is absolutely normal that you can't think clearly right now, and that you need the help and support from others in this situation, and we are all here for whatever you need.

Guilt is unfortunately a feeling that seems to be part of grief. We have all felt it at certain stages on this journey. I remember I had terrible weeks, maybe even months, with it at one time thinking that I should have done more for my Paul, that I should not have said certain things, etc. Buit we have to remind ourselves and each other that we did all we could and that our loved ones would tell us that they felt very loved and very held and supported by us.

It is wonderful that you were able to be with her at the end too. It makes me so sad when I think of those who, during the COVID lockdown, were not with their loved ones when they died and I can't imagine how one ever gets over that.

Keep posting. We are all here. And take it one step at a time.

Love, Mel

Thank you Melneil and everyone for your kind words and support.

What I emotional is all the cards received from Sharon's friends who express just how much she loved and adored me, and I made her so happy. It's very keen Nd of them but then makes me emotional we only got 6 short years together. I shall remember all the wonderful memories we made together.

Regards 

Paul

Hello Paul, So sorry for your loss. It is indeed unbearable to lose that one person who makes everything right. I’ve just got through the one year mark. There are still moments where the pain is as raw as it was in those early days and weeks but there are times where it is less, still there but not as overwhelming. 
I would agree with what others have said- take things at a pace that suits you. Some days you may achieve nothing more than getting up, dressed and eating- that’s okay. I still have days where I don’t do much more than that. Be as kind to yourself as you can be. It may help to think about what you might say to someone else in your position and then apply it to yourself- I tried that and it did help a bit. 
As for the support you’ll get from this site- it’s kept me sane. Come back and read posts whenever you feel the need. Don’t feel that you always need to comment but if you want to ramble or rant, people here will understand. We really do get it.

Take care

Jane

x

Hello Paul, I lost my lovely wife Julia almost exactly 8 months ago after 59 years of marriage and I still can’t believe it, or even believe those 59 years. We were always so happy and hardly a day apart until the last 2 1/2 years when Julia was diagnosed with ovarian cancer, and then the first lockdown stopped her treatment. Meanwhile she kept on smiling and making plans for me and my daughter Alison to look after the house and especially ‘her garden’. We promised we would carry out these plans and so we have. One thing that keeps me going is coming to this forum on a regular basis and understanding that I am not alone, in fact so lucky to have had those years and now lucky to have my daughter who is so much like my Julia, living with me. Julia always kept a diary and that is what I now do, every day I tell her what has happened and I am sure it helps to keep me sane. I am surrounded by so many things that remind me of her, not least her amazing collection of clothes and jewellery and one of these days I will get up strength to move them on. I am fortunate in being an artist and that painting is such an amazing therapy and helps me to slip into another world for a while most days. I am sorry to have gone on and on but perhaps something here may help some one……we still virtually hold hands…

Best wishes 

Colin