I've just had the week from hell. Told last Monday his back pain was treatable spinal cancer, told Tuesday it was lung cancer that had spread to his bones and liver and was incurable but he could have immunotherapy which might give him more time. Weds the palliative nurses wanted him home, even said a short break was possible. Thursday the doctors weren't happy with his blood pressure which was low. Friday the palliative nurses tripled his pain meds and he was too drowsy and dopey to talk much. Sat blood pressure still too low to go home, still drowsy. Sunday the new palliative nurse told me to get anyone who wanted to see him in. His best friend drove 400 miles back from his holiday. My daughter, (his step daughter) and the grandson who adored him (10yrs old) came to say goodbye. I stayed at the hospital, they had changed his medication to a pump and he had a rough evening with his tummy, eventually finding that sitting on a chair with his head on the bed was the only comfortable place. He then threw himself back and into my arms and head on my chest as I stood at the side of his chair and lost conciousness. He never woke up and passed away about half an hour after this in my arms.
Where do I go from here? I'm in bits. They were meant to discuss giving him immunotherapy the very day he died. My daughter, partner and grandson are with me but can't stay much longer because of their work and school. He was retired, I was doing one more year. We have 4 dogs and 2 horses. How can I work and look after them?
He wanted to change his will which was written years ago and we thought we had time to set his affairs in order. Now I'm left knowing his wishes aren't going to be followed because we didn't get chance to see a solicitor. He was fit to talk to one on Friday morning but the care nurse said we had time to actually see one the following week so we didn't do it. He told his best friend who is an executor and we are going to request his verbal wishes are agreed but without a signature I don't hold much hope.
I also feel guilty because I'm not weeping all the time. I started grieving before he died so when he did I was numb. I still feel numb. I feel if I let it out there wontbe any of me left.
Now I have to arrange a funeral. I feel so alone, if I didn't have my daughter, grandson and animals I would join him, but I cant do to them what I am going through. We had so much planned. We were so lucky in our love a d life and now its all gone.
