One day at a time

Oh Claire, so sorry for your loss and that you’ve found yourself here. It’s such early days for you.

I’m approaching the first anniversary of losing my husband and still have days where I feel totally lost and bereft. Thinking back to those early days, I got through them by taking each hour as it came and pacing myself. I found that some days I could tackle some of the admin stuff but other days, there was no way. I certainly recall a morning where I had a complete meltdown when I found myself repeating the same information and answering the same set of questions when dealing with the official side of things. At that point I decided to just do one thing each day…some days I managed more than one. Try hard to be kind to yourself- there will be some days when getting up, dressed and eating is all you’ll achieve but don’t worry about it. That’s a result, believe me! 

I still shed tears at random things that hit me when I least expect it- finding the top up card for his mobile in a handbag I’d not used since last autumn, seeing a plentiful supply of his favourite cereal in the supermarket when we’d struggled to find it during lockdown and there’s some TV programmes I just can’t watch! 

But this site has been a wonderful support system. People here really get what you’re going through. Please, keep coming back, read the posts, don’t feel you need to reply to everything you read. 

Take care, sending hugs

Jane

x

So sorry to hear of your loss Claire.. sadly all of us on this forum are able to fully understand your pain.

To be honest, I am not surprised you broke down and cried today. We all try to hold our emotions in whilst preparing for the funeral, sorting the necessary  paperwork. But finally it's like wham! the emotions release....for me the total floodgates was the day I fetched his ashes home. 

My husband died 12 September 2020 and tomorrow 24th September is exactly a year since my husband's funeral.

Take everything at your own pace and allow yourself time to grieve. The future is scary for you at the moment... I still feel like I'm swimming in treacle having lost my beloved husband aged just 54, sold my house and moved 200 mile in 12 month I feel almost numb but I know how much I miss him.

We all appreciate how you feel right now,  remember you are not alone...there's plenty on this site that can help support whether it's practical advice or a virtual hug.

Mym xx

hello Claire, we all completely understand, you had such a short period between diagnosis and passing.  I can’t say it will get better as Rob passed away 5 weeks ago and it hasn’t got better for me yet but support from friends and family will help you get through each day. I try to do something positive every day, either paperwork, a walk or a visit to the shops/daughter. Can’t do it everyday, sometimes I just want a duvet day and not do anything but cry. 

My friend just texted me to ask whether I had plans for the weekend, that’s when it hits you that you are alone and have nobody to do nothing with.

Ive just volunteered for the local food bank, anything really to take my mind off Rob for a few hours.

Its a long journey for us all.

Take care and I’m always here for a chat.

Glenis

Dear Claire,

The early days are strange because we are dealing with the grief of loss and, to a very great extent, complete physical and emotional exhaustion. I am quite sure that when a person loses a spouse to cancer or any other cruel fate, we suffer from a kind of PTSD. You need to take care of yourself, and the ramifications of that beyond yourself really need to not matter. You will get through the hardest days. Just remember the love. Hold onto it with all your might and remember that the love is still there. Nothing, not even death, can take that from you.

I would repeat what others have said - be kind to yourself. Do what you can do and don't set up lists or agendas or tasks with deadlines. You can only do what you can do and if people don't understand, let them deal with it. Your number one responsibility now is to take care of yourself and find your way through this nightmare-like scenario. It is so hard and, at least so far, I haven't experienced it getting much better. But I beleve we learn to live with the loss - but we never get over it. I have to believe, even now, that it will get better and I may find that the person I was will come back to me.

This is still very new to you - you didn't have much time to adjust your thinking. (We had nearly a year from the return of Chris' cancer to his death, but even having all that time didn't make it easy when the end came.) Just know we are all here for you. This is a terrific group of people. I'm not sure of any of us have answers, but we can commiserate and give each other virtual hugs and the support to make it all a little less horrible.

Sending you love and understanding,

Martha x

I am so sorry for your loss.

I would wholeheartedly agree with Martha. The early days are strange because we are dealing with the grief of loss and physical and emotional exhaustion. I am quite sure that when a person loses a spouse to cancer or any other cruel fate, we suffer from a kind of PTSD. You need to take care of yourself, and the ramifications of that beyond yourself really need to not matter. You will get through the hardest days. Just remember the love. Hold onto it with all your might and remember that the love is still there. Nothing, not even death, can take that from you.

I lost my beloved Paul three years ago, well, a little more than that now, and I remember those early days when everything seemed so strange without him and when I was so filled with pain that I couldn't do anything, couldn't think clearly, wanted it all to end because I wasn't sure whether I would make it without Paul. Well, I am still here after three years. There has been a lot of heartache and pain during those years, but also a lot of beauty, even in the grief and in feeling so deeply connected to Paul and the special bond we shared.

Mind yourself and keep posting.

Lots of Love Mel X