I hate September

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I awoke in tears this morning. I didn't even have to look at the calendar. I knew today's date was significant. It was three years ago today that my adult stepchildren and their spouses came to see their dad for the last time, to say their goodbyes. It was an incredibly sweet and sorrowful time. Our house was full of love and sadness that weekend. Being present to their farewells broke my heart over and over again. And I know, from hearing from my stepdaughter this morning, that she feels this memory, too. Even before she can connect the date and the event, she just feels the sadness. We all feel the anniversary before we consciously acknowledge it. Chris faded so drastically from the 21st until his death on the 30th.

I have lots going on for the rest of the month - and by design in hopes of distracting me. For tomorrow and Friday, I have hired a life coach/organiser to help me organise and prepare for some major work being done on my apartment. I am glad this service is available as I have a huge problem finding any momentum. Thursday, my daughter and I go to Glasgow to see the premiere performance of a newly revived ballet choreographed by my idol, Gene Kelly. Monday the work in the apartment begins with all the walls being painted and the bathroom being converted from a wet room with shower to a bathroom with a hydrotherapy walk-in tub. On the anniversary of Chris' death, they are coming in to lay the new floor.

Normally, all of this would be exciting and I'd be giddy with anticipation. But I don't feel that way at all. I feel defeated. I feel as if I will never stop crying and the sharp pain of missing Chris will never soften or lessen. I never would have guessed that three years after he died, I would still feel this depth of grief. It is unrelenting and exhausting. Part of me died with Chris and I don't think she is ever coming back.

Thank you for reading this. No one but you all can understand...

Martha

FormerMember over 3 years ago

Dear Martha,

So sorry to hear about how you are feeling, I fully understand a piece us dies along our spouses/partners or it feels like that. It’s so clear how much you loved and still love Chris, the deeper the love the deeper the grief is very true.

For myself it’s been 20 months since the love of my life Lynn died, I’m heartbroken every day, does it get any easier not in the slightest. Like yourself my grief is unrelenting my tears come out of nowhere I feel them rising like a wave washing over me.

Thinking about you.

Peter x

MarthaGM over 3 years ago in reply to FormerMember

Thank you, Peter. As I get closer to the 30th, the tears are right there, ready to fall.

Felt very emotional last night at the ballet. Gene Kelly wasn't just a movie star to me, he was a wonderful, talented bright light and I adored him, even though I never met him in person (we did exchange letters for a couple of years). His widow, Patricia, and I connected about five years ago and she has actually been a great source of wisdom. She lost Gene 25 years ago, and yet you can still feel her sadness. When the ballet ended, the final moment revealed a faint image of Gene standing on the steps of the Paris Opera; that scene having been present throughout the final movement of the ballet. When I spoke to Patricia after, I told her that it made me cry, and I could see her eyes welling up. So, even after 25 years... Something like that makes me feel a little less pathetic in my sadness, if that makes sense.

This is the price we pay for having been given the gift of true, unconditional, unbounded love. I hate this pain, but I never would have wanted to miss the love. As Garth Brooks says in his song, "The Dance"

And now I'm glad I didn't know
The way it all would end, the way it all would go
Our lives are better left to chance
I could have missed the pain
But I'd have had to miss the dance

Thinking of you, too,

Martha x

"i carry your heart with me (i carry it in my heart) ..."
Life must end, but love is eternal.

FormerMember over 3 years ago in reply to MarthaGM

I found your post fascinating thank you for sharing especially the fact about the personal connection with Gene Kelly and his wife Patricia. Singing in the rain is my daughter’s favourite song she used to sing it loudly every day as a child.

Yes the dance, in my case 24 years of bliss I think grief lasts for a life time, it may evolve and change shape but it will be there ever present.

Every day is a struggle lately.

Peter x

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