Still living my life to please my lost love one.

Dear Geoff 

I also ask my for my Maureen’s approval as I’m doing anything around the house, I lost her 6 weeks ago.  I hope eventually I’m able to feel her with me because at this point in time I’m struggling to see her in my mind and this really worries me. I still put my hand out to her In bed , just in hope.   I have her in my mind all day every day, some times I can just about cope other times I can’t. 
take care of yourself.  
jon.  

Your post has brought tears to my eyes. Your love and devotion is so palpable. It is the same for me and my Chris. I hold out my hand for him, talk to him constantly, wonder what he would think about things. I still do so much with him in mind, from decorating to picking out new clothes. He is never far from me. Always just there...how I wish I could hold him again. I miss that so much, the cuddles and soft conversations. One time, after his terminal diagnosis, he told that he enjoyed just sitting in the room with me, just knowing I was there. I wanted to scream out the question of why he was going to leave me. God, I miss him so much. We didn't have that many years together, just 12 and a bit. But we crammed more love and laughter into those years than some fit into a lifetime. I will never lose sight of how lucky I was to find him, It took 50 years, but he was worth the wait...

I love this! I do the same. I do things the way Juliette would want me to do them, but then I've found that I also like being a bit mischievous and sometimes do things the way she wouldn't want themAnd it makes me laugh and think of her with the same intensity.

hi I understand your comment that you are struggling to see Maureen in your mind, it’s only been 4 weeks since Rob passed and I can’t visualise him prior to being ill.  The last 48 hours of his life are etched in my mind, he didn’t die peacefully unfortunately and when I close my eyes it’s all I can see. 

I look at photos and I remember where we were but Rob himself isn’t clear in my mind. It’s as though he’s just a shape.  My daughter says the same.  

Hopefully that will change in the future and I’ll be able to relive such wonderful times we had over the years. 

His hospital bed went this week and that has made me feel better and I don’t mind so much going into that room.

His funeral is Friday and I’ve written him a letter to be placed with him telling him everything we didn’t talk about before he went.  Once he came home from hospital after being told it was terminal, we only had a few days where we could talk, after that the meds kicked in and he became confused and rarely spoke.

Cancer is so cruel.

One thing that I have set up is a tribute site via Much loved.com and friends, work colleagues and family have been uploading photos, memories and also donating instead of flowers.  My daughter and I will be able to look at it knowing how Rob was loved and respected.  

Hi,  thanks for your reply. My heart goes out to you and your daughter, I hope you will find strength to get through tomorrow I also wrote a note to be placed with Maureen together with some photos for the journey.  
I too hope that in time I will be able to close my eyes and see her in happier times. 
I was very fortunate that I did have time to talk with Maureen, however there were things I was still wanting to say and the end came very suddenly much quicker than anyone expected so still feelings left unspoken about, that I struggle with daily.  I don’t think it matters how much time you have there will always be things we wished we had discussed, said, explained.  The one thing I do torture myself with is did she know how desperately I loved her, I hope she did.  
you will find comfort in people’s comments and thoughts of Rob,  I look at emails and letters I received and take comfort from others kind words.

Today is my seventh week, I didn’t think I would get through the first week, days still seem numb.

My thoughts will be with you tomorrow

God bless you both and look after each other.  
Jon