Recently I lost my wife to liver / stomach cancer, we had been together for 16 years and marred for 9. She was only 36 when she passed and we where in a incredibly good place in hour lives. The future seemed set to be mostly idyllic with lots of travel and just spending time together.
The fight with cancer was just over a year, with being told from the start that there was no cure and it would be severely life shortening. After the initial shock we would try to make every day count and just not planning more than a half day at a time or it would just all be to much. We lived like that for about a year. I'm only now realizing the toll it tuck to staying positive and keep moving forward, while knowing it would have taken a miracle to beat the odds that were against us.
So inevitably the trials failed and a chimo type didn't work, her last days were 2 and a half weeks at a hospice.
My struggle is with having seen women I love and would do anything for be in agony for so long, with a full diary of med listing for each day that are bigger than the pages a lot of which just made her sick. The last days 3 days at the hospice were she was unable to talk or communicate, watching for any small signs of discomfort that would mean to help call for pain relief so she would rest more soundly.
I feel haunted by a lot of it and I really wish there as a way to move past that to remember the good times without all the pain.
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Hello TomTom,
I can relate to what you are saying when you talked about seeing the person you love suffering and in pain and being haunted by it.
I cared for my husband at home with our son and were with him until the end, 23/6. He was diagnosed with terminal lung cancer 2 years previously. He was 53. We had been together 14 years.
I get moments of anger, like this is not fair! directed at cancer for what it does to us.....and flashbacks of how it tore at his body and how he fought back and really didn't complain.
And then there's reliving the last day and why didn't I do this or that and I should have said that. Is all so f'd up
These last 2 years were precious, special and damn hard work. I was studying adult nursing and had to stop because he was so sick he wanted to be here at home and so did our son and me so everything was put on hold....but am now going back to finish last year of degree. Big gulp. Start next week
I'm really struggling with any changes, my son went back to school last Friday and it was like a big big deal. And feel so alone. I have had better days and then suddenly.like a brick wall it hits you. I've found myself crying uncontrollably in the blink of an eye.
Is great to talk to you, and don't forget none of us knew what was going to happen we only did our best in diabolical circumstances.
With respect,
C
